To think it’s poor form for giving bad news over text?

[Ivorymoon]

DH was given some shocking and upsetting news over the weekend, which was delivered from his DM via text. He received this message just before we were going into a health appointment for our baby, so it was terrible timing. He had no idea that he was going to receive such news, otherwise he would not have checked his messages at that time.

My own DM has form for giving me bad news over text, including informing me that she had cancer and when family members have died. Admittedly I do message people more than I call them, however any potentially upsetting news I will call instead. I am mindful that someone could be at work / at an appointment/ not in a position to receive bad news, and opening a message with no prior warning can be very distressing. At least over the phone you can make sure that the recipient is in a position to take the call.

I can see how it could be easier for the deliverer of bad news to text instead as it means they do not have to deal with any emotional reaction they would get over the phone. It’s quite avoidant and lacking care and consideration for the recipient IMO.

AIBU to think giving someone bad news via text is poor form and should be done over the phone instead? Ideally this would happen in person but this often isn’t possible for a multitude of reasons.

Sorry but what we do in that situation is contact the partner so DM would have contacted you and you would break it to DH

Awful news is horrible to read especially as you say when you have no idea its coming

If there is no partner and no way to break news F2F we send a message saying need to chat can you let me know when your home

It's like breaking up - we need to talk is code for bad news

He could have not opened the text and waited or did you want his mum to wait and worry till he answered the phone ?

Your brother told you his daughter had a brain tumour and you waited for him to 'follow it up' a few days later 😳

That is one of the coldest things I have read on this forum to date.

And if that person says "I am out and about" do you then make them wait for the news? Who makes the decision?

The problem is that there's never a good time to tell people bad news. It's a horrible situation to be in for everyone, but I don't think that you can dictate around this, Op.

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow

both/two of your children died, I'm so sorry 🌷. You didn't owe anyone their preferred communication, just what you could cope with

@Ivorymoon I think you're being very selfish. He's an adult, she's allowed to put her own needs first now.

i hope your child is ok??

Bless you I'm so sorry to read that. I can't imagine how horrendous it must be to lose two children

Talk about shooting the messenger!

There is no perfect way to deliver bad news. Have a little empathy for your MIL who, unless there is an abusive backstory, did what she thought best in that moment.

Time to move on and support your family rather than dwelling on how the message was delivered.

Personally, I prefer to have bad news delivered in writing so I have a chance to process it alone.

That.

Two weeks ago I got a text from my brother to let me know our mum had died. I was on a train, and it was much easier than being a call in that situation.

You appear confused. I clearly care about the fact that he was delivered life changing news, in an insensitive way.

I would hate for my partner to hear that sort of news before me so he/she can gatekeep when and how to tell me. I would expect to hear first, either by text or by phone - whatever, but I would not be telling someone else first. That's not what I would expect, and I'd be hurt that a non-direct person was told first.

For example, when my mum died I told my kids, not their partners. Because there's a hierarchy, for want of a better phrase.

I have shared bad news by WhatsApp. When you have to tell a number of people and you’re upset yourself, dealing with everyone else’s emotional reaction one by one can be more than you can bear.

I would always prefer a call to a text. A text to me is like a post-it note, an email is a business communication and a call is keeping in touch and passing on important information. I know I'm in the minority here and it now seems that you have to text in advance to see if it is convenient to call.

If I was informing anyone of a death I would call.

This would have been better.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your loss.

So if its life changing news for him why isn't it life changing news for his mother?

The text just popped up on his phone which he was looking at in regards to our appointment. Otherwise he would not have opened it.

Me too, I was an emotional wreak when I got a text from a friend she has terminal cancer. I'm so glad I managed to process that alone and get over the inital shock rather than her having to deal with my tears.

@Birch101

yeah, no. I'm an actual
adult, I don't want someone else deciding whether I can handle the news or not or someone else being told my news first.

my parents withheld the news my uncle had died as I was flying long haul to see them
& 'thought I'd be upset on the flight' I doubt their motives actually, I think they knew I'd delay my visit & stay here for the family & the funeral. As much as I love them
it still makes me angry.

@Ivorymoon but you don't. You care how it impacted YOU. You've not shown any care or concern, but just annoyance at how it was shared.

In this situation, not a hypothetical scenario, my DH would have let his mother know that he was just about to go into an appointment and he would have called her back after this. Just simple consideration.

I'm sorry about your friend x

I'd always prefer bad news in a text, followed up by a phone call within a couple of hours. I hate having to worry about my own reaction whilst trying to process bad news.

In general, I'd say it was the news itself that caused the distress, not really the delivery. Even if she called, he would still have been on his way out to the doctor, and it would probably have been even more stressful having to manage the conversation.

I clearly care about the fact that he was delivered life changing news, in an insensitive way.

I don't see how something that could be life changing for him would have zero affect on his mother.

I much prefer a text so that I can process it on my own before having to talk about it with anyone.