To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

[GoneOutWithTheDog]

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

I'd expect more notice too, primarily because of the dog care. The kids coming would be a non-issue as I wouldn't be arranging my time around this.

It's mainly because we have 2 spare rooms that they use as bedrooms when they come and stay and that means when they are here, I don't have guests that need to stay iyswim.

He needs to organise the dog care.

I'd just carry on as if he didn't exist. Book and do whatever you want.

I don’t really see the issue, other than your friends coming, he can go on holiday, you’re not expected to care for his kids.

I would hate the diary thing being so controlling.

tell him in very slow clear language that next time you’ve cancelled friends to fit in with him yes he will cancel the holiday he’s booked last minute, but it may not come up since you won’t be cancelling things on the assumption his kids are going to be here again, since he is happy to cancel that last minute and lie about it.

Then, I’d be away the next weekend his kids are here. Put it in the calendar the day before, and leave that evening saying it’s been there in the calendar for 6 weeks??
i would hope he is fine with his own kids but since you clearly try and be around presumably he would be a little miffed.

I would definitely expect more notice. As you say, it feels like he knew about this for longer than he’s saying, so he’s been a bit cowardly not telling you. He knows he hasn’t handled it well, and rather than just say that, it sounds like he’s being highly defensive (saying ‘I won’t go then’). Therefore disowning what he has mishandled and making it look like you’re being unreasonable.

Hardly controlling to know what the other person is doing when bedrooms need to be available and a dog needs to be walked.

Sounds like he's lying. I just wouldn't tolerate being lied to.

Agree with pp on the shared calendar though. I'd hate that. We discuss first and then jot down on the calendar on the wall. Things can be changed though. Got to have flexibility in life.

Switch diary to one that shows clearly when an event was added? I know my work outlook calendar time stamps when an appointment was added which has been VERY useful for me at times.

Or if you are paper based any 'big' events like holidays need to be countersigned by both of you when they are put in the diary? Extreme maybe but sounds like this should be agreeable to him to prove he has planned appropriately in the future.

I'd be upset about this because it's about not communicating and not thinking I'm worth talking to about it. But as you are communicating through the diary already it sounds like it's par for the course.

I wouldn't cancel plans because he shifted his children to another weekend, I'd find a way of going ahead.

Why isn't he organising the dog sitter?

He wanted the shared calendar - it was put in at his request because he kept insisting he had told me he was doing things when he hadn't so he said let's get a calendar and then it's all clear!

It’s the under hand bs that stands out to me. Who is he expecting to be home his dc?
YANBU to expect he communicates with you about his plans in a honest way, he could have even said something about late notice blah blah would it be ok to move things. He sounds like he has a single person mentality who also wants a partner and coupled up home for his convenience life. They don’t mix really.

Don't be silly - shared family diaries aren't remotely controlling.

If you have a busy family with two working parents, PTA/Governors/Adult hobbies/ Kids Clubs/Appointments/ work trips/ visitors staying/weddings/christenings etc it's the simplest way of everyone remembering who is supposed to be where and not ending up accidentally double booked.

I'd hate to be forced to write things in a diary like that, seems really controlling plus I'm a spontaneous type of person. We keep our own diaries and tell each other important stuff where they need to be available but no more than that. Yes I would inform about a trip, but sounds last minute anyway. Dp regularly travels for work at no notice anyway

Assuming he can afford the trip and it isn't using up annual leave that you had already planned to take together then yes it does sound like you are overreacting a bit. I could understand your annoyance if you had been left to look after his DC but since he has rearranged himself then I can't see why you can't be pleased/excited for him.

The dog thing is a bit annoying I admit but I assume you must have back up options available for times when your DP is away and can't walk the dog (and if you don't this would suggest your DP has never been away before without your 'prior approval' in which case I would say YADBU)

He's being unreasonable to spring it on you, especially when he has responsibilities (the dog) that he's expecting to be magically dealt with for him. HE needs to organise dog sitter/walker. It sounds like he's moved his kids' weekend to accommodate him going, not that the diary was wrong especially if it's a regular pattern.

I'm surprised people are saying a shared diary/calendar is controlling! Surely the default for most families is a shared calendar (whether on the wall or online). How else would you plan childcare etc?

He’s a nob, OP. Why do you think he didn’t tell you? Did he want to sabotage you having friends over? Does he not like you having friends?

He’s wrong of course but it’s frustrating that when he stroppily said “Fine! I won’t go then!” you didn’t say “I should think not!” and ignore the epic sulk that would follow.

Instead he’s got his way again and you add dealing with the consequences. Why didn’t you insist he tell his newly single friend he could make it?

We have shared calendar for the same reason, it's not controlling at all, that's ridiculous. How do you avoid double booking yourselves otherwise? Even as simple as I can't go for a drink with a friend next Saturday, that's when we're invited to BBQ at DHs friends house. More so with kids at home. DH needs to check I'm not away at a sporting fixture before putting in for a late shift overtime.

It’s controlling when it’s used as a stick to beat someone.

these people have no joint kids, other the dog, and the fact she can now have her mates over, I fail to see why he can’t go on holiday, why he has to give notice, or why the calendar takes priority.

Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive.

So he’s telling you he booked a long haul flight and presumably hired a car with a weeks notice with no forethought or planning? And didn’t think to mention he was thinking about it? That would piss me off - of course it’s more likely he’s known and didn’t want you to object to it or discuss it with you, which isn’t ok either.

It's bugging me now, without sharing a calendar, you can end up with one parent consistently assuming the other will be available to pick up the slack. Guess which is which? Unless you want to spend your life as default parent.