To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

[GoneOutWithTheDog]

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

@user1496146479 it's a Google one 😂

Thanks all - yes I feel a lot better ranting about it and you've all confirmed my thoughts

@NearlyBritishSummertimeYay it probably sounded worse written down. They weren't rude but just surprised that someone who lives with us is literally about to go on a huge long haul trip/adventure and no one knew. The kids are doing a long haul trip to China in April and we've all been discussing it for ages. I think they were just genuinely surprised that this trip was happening and no one had mentioned it.

We weren't going to move in but Covid forced our hand and of course during Covid it was great because he wasn't doing anything. However post Covid since everything has gone back to normal, these problems have arisen. I think we would be better living apart too as the disorganisation does my head in. The dog is shared, his kids are yr7 and 8. He does pay his way and he contributes household wise (does loads of cooking etc) but he does behave like he's single and tbh I would bet my bottom dollar that his marriage split up for some of these reasons too!

He’s a liar and he’s treating you like an idiot. How deeply unattractive.

How is consideration for each others' time 'controlling' (that word again)?

What do you think you can do/will do about it?

And where was he living before?

The op does say on this occasion it's disrespect rather than disorganisation as some planning has gone into a long-haul trip and reorganising the weekend he sees his kids. I think it is disrespectful and the op's partner shouldn't feel oppressed by simply communicating his plans.

He's gaslighting you. That's not ok, on any level.

I would ask him why he is so immature he can't be honest with you about such simple things.

There's a saying that a lot of men like and use to justify much of their crappy behaviour, "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission". You need to make it so the opposite is true.

There's also a really simple way without getting technical to prove his lies: take a photo of the calendar every week.

' we have 2 spare rooms ' NO we don't ! YOU have 2 spare rooms !!!

in your house with your children.

it's time he found his own place, his children can come as he wishes / doesn't want.

and he can jet off on holiday as and when he wants with his newly single friend - as he will be newly single too.

regarding the dog, someone must have made the decision to adopt / buy a dog

someone must be paying the pet insurance
who lived in your house first - him or the dog ?

I am chaos incarnate a lot of the time, and it has impacted my partner's ability to plan and organise our lives effectively. The difference is that I am aware of my disorganisation issues and do my best to keep DW informed or at the very least, apologise for the inconvenience I'm causing and do my best to ameliorate it for her. I don't use these moments as an opportunity to get huffy and defensive, then carry on doing what I'd intended to do anyway.

OP, if you think your partner split up from his wife for the same behaviours, you need to consider long and hard how much of this nonsense you're willing to put up with yourself. Because he clearly isn't interested in changing his ways.

I do feel sorry for the poor dog, an innocent in all of this male patterned badness.

He needs to move back out for a start. He's lying and disrespecting you, and even your dc are noticing now and learning this is how relationships work.

You seem to think he's wonderful outside of this issue. But surely respect and integrity are the bedrocks of any relationship. Both of these are missing here, so what else is there?

*”I would just move him out, he is living like a single man, but with the benefits of a partner.

He doesn't respect you at all and goes about his business and expects you to just fall in line.”*

This ^^

I’d find it very odd indeed if my live-in partner had booked a long haul holiday without mentioning a single thing about it till now.

Travelling to the other side of the world is hardly a weekend in the Cotswolds and would need a serious amount of planning and organisation. Did he not think to mention it at any point when he when he was booking his 12 hour flights / hotels/ car hire /visa waiver / travel insurance or whatever? That’s strange to say the least. He sounds more like a lodger than a partner. I’d be asking him to move out based on this. He clearly doesn’t see you as someone who he shares his life with, but just provides a convenient roof over his head.

I bet his suggestion of a shared calendar was because his wife had begged for one previously when battling the same disrespectful behaviour in their marriage. He'd previously refused as felt it was 'controlling' - but made this suggestion as a 'concession' to you and to pat himself on the back for how much he'd grown.

Still treating women like his domestic support humans, though - weird huh?

It's also the absolute confidence that his hobbies/social time are a human right that makes me want to gag. Men are (often) such pricks.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks.

The long and short of it is you have a liar as a partner. That's why you feel disrespected and off balance and unable to plan anything. Maybe it's time to separate your households so any "disorganisation" affects only him and his immediate family. Liars are impossible to live with.

He's lying to you...and gaslighting you about it.... And now doing it to your dc as well..

That would really bother me and I couldn't live with it....

My ex used to spring things on me last minute all the time.

I finally worked out it was his way of making sure he could always do what he wanted, with no regard for anyone but himself.

If he had told me in advance or before the thing was booked, then I could have had a say in the decision or given an opinion if it was likely to have knock on effects on me, which it usually did because of small children and pets.

By not telling me until the last possible moment, he always ensured i had no say in it. He probably told himself it just made life easier (for him only of course). He even disappeared for 6 hours on the day I gave birth, on a ‘work errand’.

It was manipulation pure and simple. Not forgetfulness or disorganisation.

Do you think your partner is doing this at heart?

If so you need to realise you need a different diary system to guard against it. I doubt he’ll ever admit to not putting it in the diary unless you have proof.

So a joint diary that date stamps when events are entered into the diary. An agreement that certain events (overseas, over a certain number of days, that affect the other partner or the dog), should be discussed first and not to just appear as a done deal in the diary.

I hope you get this sorted, and I’m glad to hear everything else is good.

In my personal experience my husbands similar behaviour was just one of many signs of his entitled behaviour.

Same and theres only 2 adults living here.

I'd be pretty pissed off with DP were he to give me fuck all notice of a week's long distance holiday. Not because he cant go, I love it when he goes away, I get the bed to myself. But the lack of respect, that implies.
We have a actual calendar on the wall. And we are careful to put most things in. Not because we dont like spontaneity, but things do get in the way of spontaneity sometimes. The boring things still have to be done, regardless of our wishes to be whimsical.

In your last sentence you mention that he behaves like he’s single. Really think about this. Do you want to have a partner like this? You deserve much better.

He clearly prefers to act as though he’s footloose and fancy free with everything that implies. I suggest you facilitate this by telling him to move out.

Given your last update imm not sure you’re compatible really and I think you need to have an honest conversation about it

I had an ex like that, and worse, would be left to be there for his DS meaning any plans I had (including work ones) would need to be cancelled and any dog related activity was left to me too. He often lied about having put things on the calendar or mysteriously had put down the wrong days etc.

It was gaslighting. And a total lack of respect. And one of a number of reasons I left him.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages.

Most likely. How can you live with someone who lies to your face and treats you like a fool? Let him be someone else's headache now.

Gaslighting. Lack of respect.

I would snapshot the calendar everyday for a month. I don't care what people do but I won't be lied to, it leads to problems & resentment. Loss of trust.

I don't care if it's controlling. Nd & need some stability, after a chaotic childhood.

I'd be showing him the door. He's playing you for a fool.

It would be a dealbreaker for me I'm afraid.

He has shown he isn't willing to change and I wouldn't want to live my life like this.

Your options are accept this behaviour forever or leave, unfortunately.

How is using a diary to keep both people on the same page so they can plan accordingly controlling?

Jeez the things I read on mumsnet.

The bigger issue is that he is a liar and tries to gaslight her by claiming they agreed to something when he never spoke to her about it.