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Original poster

To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

176 replies

GoneOutWithTheDog · 01/04/2024 08:06

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

OP posts:
Sleepydoor · 01/04/2024 12:30

I think the lying is the biggest problem.

NearlyBritishSummertimeYay · 01/04/2024 12:30

GoneOutWithTheDog · 01/04/2024 10:48

@user1496146479 it's a Google one 😂

Thanks all - yes I feel a lot better ranting about it and you've all confirmed my thoughts

@NearlyBritishSummertimeYay it probably sounded worse written down. They weren't rude but just surprised that someone who lives with us is literally about to go on a huge long haul trip/adventure and no one knew. The kids are doing a long haul trip to China in April and we've all been discussing it for ages. I think they were just genuinely surprised that this trip was happening and no one had mentioned it.

We weren't going to move in but Covid forced our hand and of course during Covid it was great because he wasn't doing anything. However post Covid since everything has gone back to normal, these problems have arisen. I think we would be better living apart too as the disorganisation does my head in. The dog is shared, his kids are yr7 and 8. He does pay his way and he contributes household wise (does loads of cooking etc) but he does behave like he's single and tbh I would bet my bottom dollar that his marriage split up for some of these reasons too!

@GoneOutWithTheDog

Yes Covid made a lot of relationships move too fast or fall apart.

I don't see an adult going away for a week as a huge adventure that needs a lot of discussion or planning with the entire family tbh.

But he should have discussed it with you before committing to it, you live together FFS. Let alone all the bits about his kids & the dog & how it has impacted your plans for friends staying. Your 'freedom' to make other plans for while he's away. the lies (about the calendar & only just making plans). Does he think you came down in the last rain shower.

To me it's like he's not considering you to be 'a couple' but like singles living together & still having no consideration for you (how him being away will impact you - spare bedrooms, dog care etc).

if he wants to be so inconsiderate, I'd tell him to go and do it somewhere else!!

But only you can decide how much you're prepared to deal with in return for the good bits

toomanyy · 01/04/2024 12:33

OP, use this is an opportunity to get rid of him. Find your anger and tell him to leave.

upthehills1 · 01/04/2024 12:39

I personally wouldn’t mind if DH made last minute plans. Dog sitter is no big deal.

But I do know someone who does this, knows about the plans for months then waits for the ‘right time’ to tell his wife/‘ask permission’. this is because she doesn’t like him going away without her and he’s basically trying to reduce the time they are arguing about it.

There must a a reason he is holding it back, whether there has been an issue/argument previously or carried over from a previous relationship?

Nanaof1 · 01/04/2024 12:43

Personally, I think it's time for him to move back out into his own place. If he wants to act like a single man, let him live in his own place.

Value yourself enough to see how he is truly treating you and want better for yourself.

trackerc · 01/04/2024 12:45

Key information required

  • show you when it was booked, when he paid, when he bought his holiday insurance, booked annual leave from work. If he could do all those arrangements then it's not disorganised, it's intentional to neglect to tell you & deal with fallout for stuff he absolutely knows is a problem.
  • whether his spending affects family funds & annual leave for shared time off (with you & his DC)
  • whether sulking 'ok I'll just not go then' is common. That is also showing he's not willing to take responsibility for actions.

This will show whether he's respectful & considerate to you & his kids.

StopStartStop · 01/04/2024 12:51

He has no respect for you. Your adult children, living with you, can see that.
How far is it to his advantage to live in your house? Are you funding him, or does living with you allow him to fund his surprise activities?

I wouldn't like this at all. No amount of receipts for booking would convince me it was right, no sulking would convince me he should go. But I think he should. And while he's away, he needs to arrange where he's going to live when he gets back.

Topsyturvy78 · 01/04/2024 12:52

JJathome · 01/04/2024 08:14

I don’t really see the issue, other than your friends coming, he can go on holiday, you’re not expected to care for his kids.

I would hate the diary thing being so controlling.

Hardly controlling he's booked something and never put it in the book. Then tells OP last minute knowing she changed plans for people visiting so his kids could stay on those dates.

MzHz · 01/04/2024 12:54

The fact that your kids are planning their own trip and discussing it absolutely PROVES he knew about this for ages but hid it.

he’s replanned everything with his ex and STILL not told you.

id be giving him an amber warning tbh, lying by omission is deceit.

how would he feel if you arranged your friends to stay and didn’t make the arrangements around his kids coming so that they had no place to sleep.

he is down to very last chance, so this again and he needs to move back out. This is so disrespectful of you.

JammyJays · 01/04/2024 12:56

For me it would signal a lack of “closeness”. No wonder you feel confused / upset. Agree with poster who says you should live separately. Then he can cater to his own children, dog, goldfish ….

JammyJays · 01/04/2024 12:59

PS. The calendar debate is a red herring. With or without a Calendar – it’s the lack of basic consideration, conversation, sharing I would find hard to get past.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/04/2024 13:01

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2024 08:46

Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive.

So he’s telling you he booked a long haul flight and presumably hired a car with a weeks notice with no forethought or planning? And didn’t think to mention he was thinking about it? That would piss me off - of course it’s more likely he’s known and didn’t want you to object to it or discuss it with you, which isn’t ok either.

This
Plus This
he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't,

This is really doubling down. Your kids spontaneously said it was unreasonable so he has to discredit that because it doesn't fit in with his current storyline.

He's been dishonest and now he's carrying on being dishonest and accusing you of getting other people involved to back you up in the arguement. Its accusing you of being devious and childish in an attempt to distract from the fact that HE has been ..... devious and childish.
That is really shit. and worse than booking long haul flights and car hire holiday behind your back and pretending it was a last minute thing IMHO.

gamerchick · 01/04/2024 13:05

I think I would tell him to go and enjoy it. Cancel the kids coming and tell him that living together doesn't work for you and he's to move out when he gets back.

He doesn't work as part as a team so he doesn't get the benefits of one.

JammyJays · 01/04/2024 13:08

I just saw your previous update OP. As you say, it does sound a little bit like he is enjoying the convenience of a domestic situation, without the emotional togetherness or responsibilities. As you state “a single man“. I was v surprised when you said his children were only in y7 and y8. So if I understand correctly, he has fobbed off some free childcare on you whilst he’s away without bothering to even ask. How rude / disrespectful is that?

JammyJays · 01/04/2024 13:10

gamerchick · 01/04/2024 13:05

I think I would tell him to go and enjoy it. Cancel the kids coming and tell him that living together doesn't work for you and he's to move out when he gets back.

He doesn't work as part as a team so he doesn't get the benefits of one.

perfect 👏

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 01/04/2024 13:11

Your two adults with grown up children.....a diary is not needed. He can cancel his own adult children anytime he wants and do something else if he wishes. There was jo need for you to cancel plans just because his adult children were visiting.
I'd be claustrophobic in this relationship.

cathyandclaire · 01/04/2024 13:13

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 01/04/2024 13:11

Your two adults with grown up children.....a diary is not needed. He can cancel his own adult children anytime he wants and do something else if he wishes. There was jo need for you to cancel plans just because his adult children were visiting.
I'd be claustrophobic in this relationship.

His children are year 7 and 8, not adults

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 01/04/2024 13:15

He's treating you like a flat mate....

MrsSlocombesCat · 01/04/2024 13:16

My son moved back home recently and I never know what is going on. His children come to stay over and he doesn’t tell me in advance just turns up with them. He doesn’t tell me how long they’ll be here and I don’t like to ask in case he thinks I don’t want them here. His girlfriend comes round and I don’t know if she’s staying over or going home. I find it difficult because I have autism and like to feel that I know what is happening in my own house. So if it’s a partner it must be even worse, you expect your kids to be a bit thoughtless but it’s lack of respect from the man in your life.

SignoraVolpe · 01/04/2024 13:16

Whyarepeoplesoweird · 01/04/2024 13:11

Your two adults with grown up children.....a diary is not needed. He can cancel his own adult children anytime he wants and do something else if he wishes. There was jo need for you to cancel plans just because his adult children were visiting.
I'd be claustrophobic in this relationship.

His dc are 12 and 13.
Hardly adult.

SanctusInDistress · 01/04/2024 13:17

Codlingmoths · 01/04/2024 08:16

tell him in very slow clear language that next time you’ve cancelled friends to fit in with him yes he will cancel the holiday he’s booked last minute, but it may not come up since you won’t be cancelling things on the assumption his kids are going to be here again, since he is happy to cancel that last minute and lie about it.

Then, I’d be away the next weekend his kids are here. Put it in the calendar the day before, and leave that evening saying it’s been there in the calendar for 6 weeks??
i would hope he is fine with his own kids but since you clearly try and be around presumably he would be a little miffed.

This

dapsnotplimsolls · 01/04/2024 13:21

I suspect he'll be behaving like he's single on this holiday.

Use the time while he's away to think very carefully about this relationship.

JPGR · 01/04/2024 13:26

He’s living like a single man. Don’t be a mug OP.

whynotwhatknot · 01/04/2024 13:28

no way is this holiday last minute he just didnt want to tell you

sleepD3pr1ived · 01/04/2024 13:32

I'd be hugely pissed off - it's disrespectful, thoughtless and emotionally immature.

And to the person who thought the diary approach is controlling - you're being daft it's simply an organisational tool for a shared and busy life.