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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

176 replies

GoneOutWithTheDog · 01/04/2024 08:06

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

OP posts:
MustWeDoThis · 02/04/2024 18:05

GoneOutWithTheDog · 01/04/2024 08:06

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

O/P - Let him go. Have a jolly time without him. Get the girls around, get a stripper, get drunk. Write in the diary, "Divorce next week."

Bartonzam · 02/04/2024 18:16

Sounds very fishy to me op. Is this friend male or female? Do you know / have you met them?

SouthernComforter · 02/04/2024 18:19

This would absolutely do my head in. And yes, I think it's both the fact that he's disregarded your time AND clearly not told you he's going on holiday. The only people I know who do long-haul flights at the last minute are pilots (or their partners, who sometimes go somewhere on standby).

OldPerson · 02/04/2024 19:01

He lives with you in your house? How much does he contribute financially?
Always follow the money. If he's not paying half the mortgage (as rent) and half the bills, you're just being taken advantage of and used.
A colleague of mine experienced this. Her boyfriend went off to Thailand with his male mates. (For the sunny weather, she believes!)
Then we find out he contributes next to nothing financially to her home - but expects her to pay half whenever they go out.
And guess who does pretty much all the housework and cooking?
So ask yourself, as a mere girlfriend, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
If you split up next year, would you and your DC's be better off for knowing him or worse off? Emotionally and financially.
But if there is an imbalance, as to who contributes what to your household, you need to think about, discuss and draw up a new agreement of responsibilities and expectations.

changeme4this · 02/04/2024 19:21

Yes it can be hard to break someone of old past habits. I was wondering why he wasn’t inviting you to join him as I read your post.

im not sure what the answer is, apart from saying no.

My work is seasonal and a family friend recently asked the DH if he would travel to undertake his specialised work, combining it a week holiday visiting friends the OH has been talking about doing.

Apart from the fact he wouldn’t have his tools and labourer, he would be in another country and it was being planned to happen during my peak time. I just said no to both of them and the other party can go and get someone closer to them to undertake the work (and at the local rate).

ReadingSoManyThreads · 02/04/2024 20:23

He's a liar, and gaslights you about it to boot!

I'd be telling him to move out, I couldn't live with him, his level of disrespect and disorganisation, his lies, his gaslighting, unattractive.

coxesorangepippin · 02/04/2024 20:26

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then'

^

You reply 'great' and walk away. Conversation over

These feckless men!

budgiegirl · 02/04/2024 20:43

I totally get that it's frustrating that he gave you very little notice about his trip away, given that it must have been booked some time ago. Especially with regards to the dog.

But I don't really get this part Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend Why had you arranged anything for the weekend that his kids usually visit - I assume that you know well in advance when they will visit, if they come every other weekend? Or has their usual weekend been moved?

StarbucksQueen1 · 02/04/2024 20:45

JJathome · 01/04/2024 08:14

I don’t really see the issue, other than your friends coming, he can go on holiday, you’re not expected to care for his kids.

I would hate the diary thing being so controlling.

Did you not read the post? What about the dog care etc? It’s just rude. He sounds like a selfish twat!

browneyes77 · 02/04/2024 20:57

JJathome · 01/04/2024 08:46

It’s controlling when it’s used as a stick to beat someone.

these people have no joint kids, other the dog, and the fact she can now have her mates over, I fail to see why he can’t go on holiday, why he has to give notice, or why the calendar takes priority.

Show quote history

You’ve completely missed the point.

Firstly, OP has already stated that the shared calendar was her DP’s idea. So in your world, that would make him the controlling one, beating OP with the stick, wouldn’t it?

Secondly, OP re-arranged her friends staying over based on the fact her DP had his kids coming. He’s sprung it on her last minute that he’s now going away, meaning her plans got cancelled/re-arranged for nothing. It’s not as simple as “Oh her friends can come over now”, the friends may have made their own alternative plans that weekend due to their plans with OP being re-arranged.

Her DP has form for messing her about with plans, this is a consistent pattern. It shows a complete lack of respect for her time.

ittakes2 · 02/04/2024 21:07

I have ADHD and you have basically described him as being impulse, disorganised etc - all ADHD traits.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 02/04/2024 21:13

ittakes2 · 02/04/2024 21:07

I have ADHD and you have basically described him as being impulse, disorganised etc - all ADHD traits.

Even if so, still his behaviour is crap!

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 21:37

ittakes2 · 02/04/2024 21:07

I have ADHD and you have basically described him as being impulse, disorganised etc - all ADHD traits.

I have ADHD and I've never taken off on a long haul week long holiday without telling my family.

Anele22 · 02/04/2024 22:58

What I don’t understand is why you arranged to have friends stay over and then head to postpone them, if the shared diary already said his kids were coming?

Noseybookworm · 02/04/2024 23:04

YANBU. He is being inconsiderate and annoying. Give him the number and tell him to sort out the dog walker. If I were you, I'd be springing a few surprise plans of my own on him in the next few months, preferably at a time that's inconvenient for him. Maybe then he'll get it!

Copperoliverbear · 02/04/2024 23:43

Who is this newly single friend?
Is he going to behave single while away. ?
I'd re invite my guests for the weekend and tell him, while you are packing for your holiday, pack everything.
I would not trust him as far as I could throw him, he's leading a single life.

Coldupnorth87 · 03/04/2024 07:47

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 02/04/2024 21:13

Even if so, still his behaviour is crap!

Show quote history

I have adhd & whilst I totally agree the disorganisation sounds like it, I don't gaslight my partner. The only reason not to tell someone a plan this big is to avoid the ensuing discussion.

Explanation not excuse, when it comes to nd. You still have to live in the real world & not be an arsehole.

Ohgollymolly · 03/04/2024 08:27

Would there have ever been a good time to tell you?

My DH is much like you, loves a shared calendar, but I don’t work that way and often make commitments and arrangements that I tell him about in conversation. He then gets anal about the calendar. It’s boring.

AutumnFroglets · 03/04/2024 08:39

Ohgollymolly · 03/04/2024 08:27

Would there have ever been a good time to tell you?

My DH is much like you, loves a shared calendar, but I don’t work that way and often make commitments and arrangements that I tell him about in conversation. He then gets anal about the calendar. It’s boring.

Would there have ever been a good time to tell you?

Probably after he had made arrangements/paid for others to look after his responsibilities instead of expecting OP to pick up his slack. If you are the main carer for another living thing you don't just get to walk away for a week without putting things in place first or having a proper discussion. That's the difference between being a grown up and a lazy, selfish twat.

T1Dmama · 03/04/2024 10:46

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2024 10:51

How is consideration for each others' time 'controlling' (that word again)?

Show quote history

@JJathome the diary was his idea!

@GoneOutWithTheDog id tell him he needs to arrange dog day care if he books a trip away… and pay for it as it’s him going away!….
i couldn’t handle this last minute stuff either, is it your house? Maybe if this is a normal thing for him to do then you tell him that you’re not booking your life round his plans and if you want friends over then he runs his kids home that weekend as they can’t stay over because you’ve made plans.
He sounds incredibly selfish and entitled and is also a liar… he reinforces the reason why I’m 2 single now and not interested in anyone else being in my life.

T1Dmama · 03/04/2024 10:48

2 years single ….

Magicunicornpower · 03/04/2024 10:56

It's all about communication. Doesn't matter the dog, the friends coming over etc. He is your partner, not a single man that do whatever, whenever. I had the same issue with mine not long ago. It just happened he booked a week away the same week I was supposed to be away with a friend. We have a 4 yo so clearly holidays are not happening for one of us.

RandomForest · 03/04/2024 19:04

Boot him out.

GabriellaFaith · 04/04/2024 00:46

He needs to organise the dog care.

But all that aside, my main issue here is the fact he lied to you, and it's apparently not the first time.

trackerc · 06/04/2024 10:12

So how did this pan out OP?
As has been said, it's not the holiday, it's the fact you don't believe him.

If you were told someone doesn't believe you it's likely you'd gather the info to show your side, demonstrate that you'd done reasonable things, reassure your partner & look at how things looked to the other parties (partner & young kids)
Has he done any of these?

Whilst it's not about whether he wants to take holidays with his friends, is he using family intended funds or using annual leave for long haul trip that limits time with family? Has he already got equivalent time booked with his young kids?
I know some posters are saying it's about the dog walker but for me that's life admin & can be sorted & it's much wider than that