To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

[GoneOutWithTheDog]

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

Generally speaking, if someone's marriage has broken down there is a very good reason for that and it sounds like you've discovered what that reason is. Your DP is a self-centred, inconsiderate twat who constantly puts himself and his own needs and desires first. Only you can decide if this is something you're prepared to put up with in future, but as this is something he's been doing for years how is it a surprise that he's still doing it?

I don't know what the solution is op but I also have the same issue. I get it. We started the shared calender at his suggestion but he also claims things have been in the calender for weeks. It's irritating and I find it really inconsiderate

“Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend”

If his kids come EOW why isn’t that fixed so you wouldn’t have booked your friends visiting in that weekend anyway?
Are his kids still young?
Whose dog is it?

@GoneOutWithTheDog
I agree with you on this.
Apologies for slight derail, but what type of shared calendar are you using?
Trying to find a good functional one! 😂

@GoneOutWithTheDog

The lying & pissing about would drive me nuts & I'm pretty sure would be relationship ending for me.

in complete honesty, I probably wouldn't be that thrilled about him going on holiday, to do something he's never been interested in with a newly single friend either.

whose dog is it? & why can't HE organise the dog walking etc?

Is it a physical or digital calendar? Get a digital one & it'll tell you when the event was entered. Tell him next time he lies about it, will be the end of the relationship!

in the meantime, put your friends staying in the calendar & he can arrange his kids around your plans. Seems like them staying is pretty fluid anyway & if his kids/ex wife get annoyed with him, even more reason to get it put in the calendar!!

However, I think it's really rude if your children to speak to him like that. IMO not their business.

@mitogoshi

2 points:

you and your partner tell each other about the important stuff. I would say a 1 week holiday would fall into that bucket?

secondly, they have a shared commitment and pre existing arrangement for the dog care - you can’t just be spontaneous like that without considering your commitments and the impact of your absence on others.

@GoneOutWithTheDog - he doesn’t respect your time. He thinks you are default “hold it down-er”.
You need to make him sort out the dog care.
You also perhaps need to think about whether you need to stop plugging all the gaps he creates with his last minute-ness.

I know the perfect punishment for your DP.

We are obviously quite a chaotic family then because we have last minute things all the time and happy to go with the flow. There is no point telling my partner I am going away in advance because he will forget. He also often goes away at 3 days notice and as long as he arranges his kid and his dog to fit with his plans, there is no issue. I have friends coming next weekend and we have no room for them because his daughter is coming to stay the same weekend which is no problem as nobody is fussy and we can somehow manage 8 people in three bedrooms. I never checked in with him about his daughter's schedule when I agreed for my friends to stay the night because the answer will inevitably be "don't worry, we'll figure it out". So while I can see how this level of disorganisation can be frustrating for someone who likes the certainty of a diary, it somehow works for us and nobody gets angry over last minute plans.

The lying is a problem. It's really disrespectful. It shows him in a poor light.

This. He’s lying to you and you are entitled to feel very very cross about this.

He is showing no respect for your time and the work and inconvenience it is to have to rearrange your plans to work around the rude and disrespectful way he treats you.

It sounds like he enjoys the advantages of being a couple - sharing household costs and tasks , companionship, having somewhere to care for his children so he can pay less child support.

But he resents any of the associated responsibilities, such as joint planning, negotiating around these shared tasks, use of space, care for the dog .

To me this is a sign of something much deeper and is a big red flag. You can’t trust him and ultimately lack of trust will destroy any relationship.

Are you sure that living together working for you ?

@GoneOutWithTheDog he lives with you, in your house.

Dies he make a fair contribution towards the mortgage & bills?

or do you have yourself a cocklodger to add to his gaslighting disrespect?

@Catza with all respect I would find your set up absolutely impossible to work with.

I am totally comfortable with kids sharing rooms, blow up mattresses etc, happy for people to stay but structure is so important for my mental health and my job (fixed statutory deadlines) and childcare (no family in this country and all childcare needs to be booked in advance and more importantly, paid for at great expense). I absolutely CANNOT do fast and loose with arrangements.

Edited to add the closed bracket that was missing

I'm so pissed off on your behalf!!

I am trying to get my head around the lie. He claims this is all last minute but also that he has rearranged his kids visiting in advance so you were wrong about it being in the diary? Nonsensical.

I agree with a pp - it's not just the lying and the last minute nature (although both are huge), it's also the insanity of your partner going off on a week long long haul trip with no discussion. I mean, me and dh are pretty relaxed and as kids get older I can see that being even more so but neither of us would ever just book such a trio without a discussion first because of course there's an impact on the other one.

it makes me.wonder whether he really does contribute? He lives in your house so does he contribute properly or is the view "well, it's my house and my dc live here so...."? What about other tasks and chores?

I totally get it as I am very organised at work and hate any unforeseen events there. But I realised that at home, we can sort things out between us and there is rarely a need to stress out because things happen and decisions need to be made and stressing out is only a hindrance. And the more non-negotiable things we have in a diary, the more stressful any changes are likely to be.

I think there are more red flags than this in the relationship.

He’s taking you for a ride.

What annoys me about this is, if he booked it ages ago like he says:

1. Why didn't he organise a dog walker
2. Why didn't he amend the calendar accordingly
3. Why didn't he talk to you, his partner, about his plans in the normal way that anyone would talk about a holiday they had planned?

He clearly didn't do any of the above because it was a last minute thing and he's gaslighting you into believing that it wasn't (& messing up your plans in the process).

Once you realise someone is a liar and is prepared to lie to your face, your relationship changes, because you'll be questioning everything going forward l, and rightly so.

Is that the kind of relationship you want?

You don't see the issue with leaving a dog all day?

I understand about the shared calendar- partner and I have one to check when we need to organise things for our dog.

I think you're right about why it niggles you- it is disrespectful of your time. And puts you last. You are the one who has to change your plans and sort out the dog to accommodate him.

yup, its the lying that would be the dealbreaker for me.

What a sulky baby he is. Deliberately missing the point. Goong away for a week is a massive deal, cancelling guests (his kids) is a massive deal. In a partnership you discuss there kind of things before they are finalised, surely? Because you know your presence/absence affects the other people in the household.

He really must be very dim if he doesn't grasp that. Seems a lot likelier that he doesn't care because you and your time are not important enough to him to be part of his planning processes.

Extremely disrespectful

In your shoes, I would absolutely be insisting to see the booking confirmation for flights, car hire and even tickets to prove to myself that he has known for weeks. If I knew that, I would be reframing the whole event as a deal breaker.

You dont fucking lie like that in am adult relationship. If those tickets priced he had booking when you were rearranging your friends, I think I would actually dump him for the lying and gas lighting.

This is part of why as a separated and single person, I don’t ever want to share my home with a man again. Especially not with any dependents involved. Ex used to spring things on me like this (“oh I forgot to tell you”) and it makes you feel horrible - disrespected, taken for granted, like they don’t care about your feelings.

Just don’t live with him OP, this is reason enough for him to have his own place. Living as part of your household requires basic respect.

I was also wondering this. And their age.