To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

[GoneOutWithTheDog]

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

Yeah. He’s a fifty year teenager. What a deeply unattractive prospect. You can see when calendar entries were entered by the way. Prove he’s a liar and tell him to fuck off to his own house, or more likely, his mother’s.

At best it's thoughtless. At worst it's disrespectful and selfish.

Why are you still with him?

He's a liar by ommision.

And you it appears have been the cool wife for a while now, perfect for him, not so good for you and the ex wife.

A man who doesn't like boundaries or feel they should ever apply to him is a selfish child.

You only get on because you let him have his own way.

@Whyarepeoplesoweird you sound the perfect partner for this man!

But please don't get a shared dog because under the man's preferred modus operandi it will end up locked in the house un-walked for a week, and the age of his kids might take you by surprise when they arrive.

I'd just tell him that he'd need find somewhere else to return to, as he wouldn't be coming back to mine

I too would screenshot the calendar every time something new goes in.

But it goes beyond the practical issues. I don't like the gaslighting, the blaming you when the kids reacted, the total lack of thought or taking responsibility for the dog walking etc. It's dishonest and disrespectful.

Even if it is last minute as he claims did he really cancel seeing his kids at to go away with his mate? Poor kids.
And how would the ex feel about that? No wonder they split.
He sounds an irresponsible father as well as gaslighting you and not caring about other responsibilities like the poor dog.

They are kids what you on about?

It’s moot, his kids aren’t coming now. It’s just her and hers.

It’s not about a calendar

what this has shown is he has immature communication skills and is petulant

he could have said about the trip and this whole conversation could have been very different. Jeez some men are so basic

The fact he cancelled on them is not moot.
Tells us all we need to know about his character.

@GoneOutWithTheDog

So he dumps his kids and his dog on you and swans off on a jolly whilst you scramble re his kids' visit AND pay for his dog's doggy care? Hell, no.

Too right he's living the bachelor life. Actually, he's living better than a bachelor life because a bachelor would have to make arrangements re his dog and work with his DC's mum to reschedule access.. He's living the life of someone who has 'staff'. And that 'staff' is YOU.

Why are you putting up with this?

I suspect he avoids discussing things he wants to do with you because he's conflict avoidant and thinks you will give him a hard time.

Yes he should have discussed it with you. However YABU to rely on the shared calendar given you know it's unreliable.

Just talk about it before making or canceling plans. You could have checked if his kids were still coming before rearranging your friends.

I couldn't live with someone like that, obviously by some of the replies here other people can.
Even if the last minute trips or whatever didn't cause actual issues - ie organising walking the dog - it would be the lying and the gaslighting about it that would bother me.

Unless you are just flat mates I would expect a bit of forewarning about a week long holiday.
Each to their own but I would not want to live with a partner who didn't WANT togive me the respect of good communication and a bit of gratitude for the fact that his kids stay in my home on a regular basis..

Are you sure he isn't with you so as to have somewhere for his kids to stay each fortnight?
Do you have as much sway as his friend? Could you suggest a week long holiday with him at short notice and have him consider it and dart off with you for a jolly?

So you don't believe that he didn't know about the holiday sooner, he doesn't believe that you didn't prompt your kid's reaction.

What's the point?

Will you be able to re rearrange with your friends?

If you move him out (whilst he's away) you'll be able to have friends over whenever you want!

Tell him he needs to invite you to event created in shared calendar.
That way you will get an email once the event is set and an email for any changes made to that event.
Refuse to acknowleadge any events that you are not invited to.

Assuming that his ex has a life she organises when he has the DC, I would wonder just how much notice he gave her to rearrange access. I bet it wasn’t short notice as she’d likely tell him to sling his hook. That’s what would piss me off the most - that he’d discussed it with his ex before having the decency to tell me.

Exactly. That's enraging.
I would be contacting the ex to find out the truth. Bet she's super annoyed too.

Is it “your” home OP? (Even if he contributes). I hope so. You can control the future more easily let’s say!

Sorry to say, I agree with other poster, he’s actually treating you as “staff”. Probably Madonna would give her notoriously low paid staff more notice. Enitled, much!!

I would tell him to move out. If he wants to act like a single man he can pay a mortgage/rent elsewhere.

I might be slightly annoyed but he's not your husband so doesn't have to run everything by you. That's one of the advantages of not being married. As long as he rearranges his DC visiting, I don't see that problem. You just have a nice week without him and see him when he gets back.

Is it possible that he is using the shared calendar to figure out the best time to spring his pre-made/last minute plans upon everyone?

For me this is simple.

Disrespect and lack of consideration for you.

Explain this is the last time you do this. It is done now but do not go about things so selfishly in the future. You are in a relationship not a bachelor.

His kids aren't coming now, so either reinvite the friends or join a friend out and any dog walker or sitter charges go to him. If everyone is busy now, go to a spa and book a dog walker which he pays for.

Do not allow him to trample over your worth again.

I wouldn’t live with someone who can’t or won’t communicate. Or someone who turns any argument round to it being my fault or stripping with a mantrum.

I’d pack up the calendar he suggested with the rest of his stuff.