To be pissed off about dp's 'sudden' trip overseas?

[GoneOutWithTheDog]

Dp has a history of being disorganised but I don't think that's what it is. I think he has a problem saying no to people and likes the excitement of going out. We are both in our 50s, he lives with me in my house with my adult children and his dc come and visit us every other weekend.

We have a shared diary and a rule that whatever is in the diary takes preference but he is always saying stuff is in the diary when it isn't or updating it v late in the day and insisting something was in it for weeks. We've been together 6 years and outside of this issue, things are pretty good.

Next week his kids are meant to come and stay (in the diary) and because of that, I moved a few things I was going to do (people visiting etc) to a free weekend. Suddenly this morning he has announced that he is going away for an event (non work related) for a week. It's a 12 hour flight away and then a very long drive. He is making it sound like a chore but it's actually a holiday to do something he's never been interested in but something a newly single friend of his has 'suddenly' suggested they do together. He says the diary is wrong and his kids aren't coming but apparently he only found this out now.

I don't believe him. I think he's known about this holiday for ages and probably negotiated with his ex to move the time but either didn't bother to tell me or decided to only tell me last minute. Which means I could have had my friends to stay after all.

I don't care what he does with his friends but I hugely object to this thing he does where he tells me last minute all the time. There's no discussion with me or forewarning and it feels deliberate.

All he can say is 'fine I won't go then' like a fucking toddler. But it's not the going that bothers me, it's the fact that I was the last person to know and I changed arrangements based on facts that turned out not to be correct.

Maybe if this was the first time it would be fine but it's not. I can't quite explain why it's a problem but I think it's the disrespect for my time?

Last night we were eating dinner and he told my kids (I hadn't mentioned it yet as I had just found out) about this and they were like 'what the fuck?' And actually said to him you're going on holiday just like that - and aren't your kids meant to be coming? (Basically exactly what I had said!) and he accused me of setting them up - but I hadn't, I think it just genuinely surprises people when someone does this. He can't see anything wrong with it at all. I also now need to arrange the dog walker and dog sitting as I (and my adult DCs) work FT not at home and he works at home so he is here for the dog.

So are we all over reacting? Would you spring a week holiday on your partner which was clearly arranged in advance at the last minute and think it was normal?!

But OP now can’t see her friends unless they have inexplicably kept their diaries free on a bank holiday weekend on the off chance that her plans changed.

The only answer that would stop her DP trampling on her ability to make plans would be to announce that he could only have his children round when she has confirmed that she doesn’t want friends over.

Clearly this would be entirely unfair on the children and their other parent so I wouldn’t suggest OP actually does this - but it means she is over a barrel.

Definitely not controlling to want the ability to plan her own life, not just react to her DPs

How on earth is it controlling to need to know in advance when your guest bedrooms will be occupied or when you need to find an alternative dog walker?

Indeed we couldn’t function without it tbh. It isn’t controlling at all to have a conversation on the lines of

a. is it ok if I go and see x this weekend
b. is there anything else in the diary
a. yes ds has a party
b. right ok just pop it in the diary then and I’ll take ds to the party

I absolutely HATE things being sprung on me last minute! Also shared calendars are not controlling but necessary to remember what everyone is doing, even for something as simple as meal planning!
If he had come to you and said 'I know it's short notice but friend has asked me to go on this trip, will it be a problem?' that would be one thing, but it sounds as though he has know about it for a while which would really annoy me!

You're right. It's the disrespect for you and your time that's the issue. He's behaving as if he's single and can do what he wants when he wants without regard for others, but he's a mature adult with kids who lives with his partner. His choices impact you all.

Everyone should be free to live as they want. 'Live and let live' is fine, until it isn't. He's selfish, and this relationship isn't working for either of you.
Ultimately, you should prepare to separate. Someone who behaves in such a selfish, self-centered, and frankly immature way at his age isn't going to change. It's time to decide whether to put up and shut up or let him be 'free'.

Those of you objecting to the shared calendar - I’m assuming you mention planned long haul holidays to the rest of your family before you take them? OP’s DP hasn’t.

Not mentioning that you have booked a week long holiday to Costa Rica or Singapore or wherever for the following weekend is so dysfunctional. I would consider the relationship to have basically broken down if DH and I communicated so little. The fact he expects her run around after him booking dog sitters etc at short notice is the icing on the cake.

Exactly this.

People are getting hung up here on the diary and ‘control’, but the fact the OP can sense he knew more about it and didn’t say. That just leaves a lack of trust and is bad communication. Perhaps he did feel you’d object (and maybe you would have) but at least it would be more open and you can talk about it. Ultimately you’re adults and can make your own decisions, but communication is key! Otherwise everyone just ends up resentful.

Yeah, he is taking the piss. Maybe he needs to move out if he cannot respect you and your family and your house and your plans.

How old are his kids? He’s absolutely out of order regardless, but I’d be interested to know how much he’s expecting from you when he’s disregarded the fact that they’ll be in your care while he goes on a long haul trip with no notice.

It would drive me mad, especially if you'd re arranged guests to accommodate his kids who are now mysteriously not arriving. In future arrange your guests and if his dc want to come, HE can make alternative arrangements for them.

Also scrap the calendar, it's not working.

They have a life together.

One where she is considerate to his plans and he is not to hers.

So, instead of taking care of his kids for a week of the school holidays, he's using his annual leave to go on a holiday with his mate and getting his ex to pick up his slack?

I can see why she divorced him.

And what happens on his return? Is he taking that week off as annual leave too and seeing his kids then (disrupting the week you thought you didn't have them - shit for you if you had plans the ) or is he not having his kids for a week now at all - shit parenting.

Either way this guy is a bit of a loser isn't he? And he's playing you and his ex like fiddles.

Your kids called him out as they know he is behaving rudely and disrespectfully. If you live with a family and their dog, you need to make any other plans with consideration for them.
It's really rubbish that you're missing out on your friends, whilst he's off on a so called spontaneous jolly.

I think you need to stop being the one who changes arrangements to accommodate him. Stick to the plan, book things in that work with the schedule.

If the schedule needs to change he needs to arrange that by talking to you and his kids/ex. Only then do you make changes- and if it’s short notice you say no.

Well, some people have responsibilities to others and need to plan. Can you really not imagine why people are not able to be spontaneous?

I'd be pissed off if I'd had to cancel friends coming and then it turned out they could have had come anyway as it is difficult to find a weekend when we are all free.

There is so much wrong here- clearly he booked it ages ago and just forgot to tell you, or felt it would be less aggro to tell you as a fait accommpli nearer the time

1. you need to say to him “I cancelled my friends because I thought your kids were coming. Do you not think it would be easier for me and probably preferable for you to have my friends over when you were away- it’s too short notice now”
2. why are you sorting the dog care? Even if the dog pre-dates him he should have given you more of a heads up that the dog needed to be sorted
3. presumably the kids are staying with his xDP. When did he let HER know of the change in plans? (Granted this situation would be much worse if he was expecting you to sort out his kids. Which I read about all the time on here!)
4. as others have said it just shows a complete disrespect for your time. Anything like this I/dp would put in the diary months in advance and only after discussing it first. My DP does have short notice work trips too which are inflexible but again he always discusses with me and if it was very inconvenient he’d get out of it
5. presumably the trip is eating significantly into his annual leave and holiday budget which presumably has a knock on effect on your plans together? Totally BS that it’s a chore, if it’s a 12h flight either he wants to go, or he doesn’t
6. he’s the one that’s controlling not you because you can’t manage your time effectively if you don’t know what his (kids’) plans are

He's an idiot thinking he can pass off such bad lies, and more importantly this is highly disrespectful behaviour. Yanbu.

I would just move him out, he is living like a single man, but with the benefits of a partner.

He doesn't respect you at all and goes about his business and expects you to just fall in line.

I couldn't live like that

What is the point of a joint calendar if on his head he is not part of it. You are not a family, just a convenient base to host his dc and provide childcare. Pack his stuff while he is away.

If it isn’t already you need to change it to an online one which clearly shows when stuff was put in or edited

if it was a genuine cockup then he should be apologising and telling you why he didn’t tell you as soon as he arranged it, which was presumably ages ago

This and also agree re huge proportion of a/l and funds that must have been spent am assuming you don't share finances?

You just sound incompatible really. You like advance planning and organisation, he wants to be able to make last minute plans and so what he wants without getting in trouble for not being organised enough. As a result he ends up being disrespectful to you, and probably feeling a bit oppressed himself. Is this really working for you?

But the op can’t invite her friends to stay if his kids are coming. Unless they are adults which she suggests they are not.

I couldn't be with someone that lied to me like that.
He knows he hasn't told you, he knows he's planned all this behind your back, he's blatantly lying to your face.

It's his job to organise the dog.

We have a joint calendar, because we're a partnership and alot of our plans are joint so we need to know what eachother is doing.

Is the newly single friend male or female?