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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

195 replies

Emmavee1 · 30/03/2024 14:04

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

OP posts:
wizzywig · 30/03/2024 14:06

No you're fine. Stupid dickhead market man needs to not sell certain things if he is going to be so precious about people touching them.

Saucery · 30/03/2024 14:08

The stallholder was really rude, if he said “He’s going to break them” like that. He wouldn’t have got any of my money from that initial point.

Sirzy · 30/03/2024 14:11

The stall holder was undoubtedly rude. But I would try to discourage him from randomly picking things up like that because it’s not ideal and one day he may end up breaking things.

NuffSaidSam · 30/03/2024 14:12

You're in the wrong for not standing up for your DS.

You knew he wasn't doing anything wrong/wasn't going to break them, you should have stood your ground or left the stall. Don't stay and then buy something from someone who's rude to you and your child!

StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 14:13

Some shops and stall holders just don’t like children touching their wares. It’s probably more due to bad experiences he’s had in the past than your DS. Try not to take it to heart. ❤️

AceOfCups · 30/03/2024 14:13

Possibly the stall owner has had children break things in the past so is tetchy about kids handling his products.

he does sound rude, but I think you need to let it go.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 30/03/2024 14:13

Imo nobody should be advising or criticising your parenting. Ignore op. You know your ds best.

Trickabrick · 30/03/2024 14:15

Saucery · 30/03/2024 14:08

The stallholder was really rude, if he said “He’s going to break them” like that. He wouldn’t have got any of my money from that initial point.

Same here, he wouldn’t have got a penny from me because of the way he was speaking. But I can understand why he was perhaps unhappy about your DS picking up his stock when he clearly had no need to do so. The stall holder handled it badly though.

HellonHeels · 30/03/2024 14:20

I would have left the stall when the stallholder first started getting arsey.

I don't support business owners who are unpleasant or rude.

HellonHeels · 30/03/2024 14:20

I would have left the stall when the stallholder first started getting arsey.

I don't support business owners who are unpleasant or rude.

ntmdino · 30/03/2024 14:25

Nah, you're not in the wrong, he was a dickhead.

The best response would probably have been "Meh, if he breaks anything I'll pay for it" with a dismissive wave of the hand. Or to just walk away with an obvious handful of cash in view.

confuseeedd · 30/03/2024 14:29

If your son was genuinely being careful and gentle he should have given him the benefit of the doubt. Not all children are destructive and careless.

If he is that touchy about it he should have a sign up asking parents to ensure children do not touch anything and if they break anything it must be paid for.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 30/03/2024 14:33

NuffSaidSam · 30/03/2024 14:12

You're in the wrong for not standing up for your DS.

You knew he wasn't doing anything wrong/wasn't going to break them, you should have stood your ground or left the stall. Don't stay and then buy something from someone who's rude to you and your child!

How did she know he wasn't going to break anything? There's no guarantee.

The stall owner should probably have worded it better but it's annoying when kids touch things they don't need to.

takemeawayagain · 30/03/2024 14:35

The man was rude - but he doesn't know your son and many stall holders are not going to allow children to be picking up things and looking at them, especially if they are breakable. If anything is broken that man will be losing money and he probably doesn't make a huge amount.

You asked your son not to touch things and he did again and you didn't notice/do anything about it. You should have been watching him carefully at this point as you knew he wasn't allowed to touch. Alternatively you could have reassured the man that if anything was broken you would pay for it. Alternatively again you could have modelled the behaviour to your son and stopped picking up things to look at yourself and either just bought something or left. Personally with mine (ASD/dyspraxia) I would have just left as the man didn't ask you politely and ds might not stand around not touching things while I waited to pay.

He was rude but I don't think you handled the situation well.

TheIcecreamManCometh · 30/03/2024 14:35

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.
I would have put them back whilst saying fairly loudly
Well done mate for being disablist, you just lost a sale

But I'm bolshy like that

Cake Brew

NuffSaidSam · 30/03/2024 14:35

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 30/03/2024 14:33

How did she know he wasn't going to break anything? There's no guarantee.

The stall owner should probably have worded it better but it's annoying when kids touch things they don't need to.

Show quote history

Well, of course, there's no guarantee that anyone won't break something. I suppose what I should have said is 'you knew he was no more likely to break something than you or any of the other people browsing'.

FoxyLoxyLoo · 30/03/2024 14:35

A lot of stall owners and shops don’t like children handing goods. At the Christmas market we went to some stalls had signs up not to allow children to pick things up. Yes he could have been kinder but it’s not uncommon to ask that children don’t touch goods.

BoxFoxSocks · 30/03/2024 14:39

I would not allow my children to pick up small delicate items from a market stall - even if I was doing it. So I think yabu.

I am an adult so if I break something I will have to pay for it, so I make sure I'm careful. If my kids break something... then I will have to pay for it. I can't control if they might break something or not so I'm taking responsibility by making sure they don't pick anything up in the first place.

Imagine how stressful it must be for the stallholder too - their wares could be broken and then they have the potential for conflict with customers if they refuse to pay for broken items.

AmaryllisChorus · 30/03/2024 14:41

First rule of a parenting an autistic child: develop selective deafness to all parenting advice unless it comes from another parent of an autistic child.

Bumblebeeinatree · 30/03/2024 14:41

Children also steal things and it's hard enough to keep an eye on what customers are doing without having to try to watch children handling stuff (that they are obviously not going to buy) as well. Not aimed at your child but just a problem retailers in general have.

BusterGonad · 30/03/2024 14:41

This is a really difficult one, but I think 6 years old may be a little young to be picking up adult (make up) stuff. But he was rude and I'm glad you didn't make a purchase. Try not to let it get you down. It's so hard, I know, my son has autism and things like this really hurt me too.

OriginalUsername2 · 30/03/2024 14:41

Horrible.

Good for you for sticking up for him. Keep doing what you’re doing. NT people face rudeness like this too so try not to take it personally. Some people are just dicks.

CarrotCake01 · 30/03/2024 14:54

I don't think he took an instant disliking to your son as such, he's probably had too many children come by and accidently break things or accidentally steal things.
Adult make up wasn't a product for your son to be touching and handling and that's the stall owners source of income. I think he had the right to try and protect his products and its likely that it was a blanket rule regarding children, not a personal attack against your son.

I think the mixed messages came when you were trying to show that your son was gentle and definitely wasn't going to break the products but he was also having a tantrum at spitting at you. I probably wouldn't have trusted him with my products at a stall if I has witnessed that behaviour.

Having said that, there was no need for him to be rude to you. If he had asked you nicely to stop your son touching his products, it sounds like all this could have been avoided!

ColleenDonaghy · 30/03/2024 14:55

Children shouldn't be touching things in shops or at market stalls, they're not there to play.

He was rude though.

Bluefell · 30/03/2024 14:57

YABU. As my mum used to say (and I say to my own DC) “you look with your eyes not your hands”. You shouldn’t have been allowing your child to handle things on the stall in the first place.