Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

[Emmavee1]

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

Not always! I’ve got friends who own 2 gift shops and before they put up signs re breakages being paid for they said they had countless people knock into them, let kids handle and break them etc and then be rude back if they asked for payment if it was broken so now they said they’ve got a sign up. It seems to put people off messing around with items.

Yes but most decent people would pay for something if their child broke it regardless of the presence of a sign

@Emmavee1

Did you give your son sweets

After he spat at you?

For context, I have an Autistic child myself and work with children with a range of additional needs. I would say that whilst the stall holder was very rude, unnecessarily abrupt and totally would not get a penny from me the twat, your son spitting at you is absolutely appalling and unacceptable. That's not a meltdown that's extremely bad behaviour. My DC wouldn't dare even contemplate such a thing even during the worst meltdown added to overstimulation and tiredness all in one. Never. Yes, all Autistic children are different and respond differently to overstimulation upset or stressful situations but this went beyond that. Autistic children are also capable of misbehaving without it being as a result of their Autism and I think we all forget that sometimes, myself included.
I do understand that your DSs reason for getting upset to begin with was due to his autism but you need to nip the spitting in the bud or it will cause all kinds of issues for him both in a school setting and socially.

Blankets & cushions won’t get smashed like eyeshadow though will they? That's a silly comparison to make

Yeah I have to agree with this (as I said I am a parent to DC with Autism). We had a similar issue in hospital recently when DC was waiting for an op. Another child was screaming loudly and ear piercingly shrill which massively distressed DC. I very politely asked nurse if we could move to next room for 10 mins until DC went in rather than ask other child to be quiet in case they too have SEN.
Unfortunately the other parent saw us move and sanctimoniously asked how dare I discriminate against their autistic "kid" and mansplained to us about stimming etc until I pointed out my dc also has autism and is sensitive to sounds. he just froze mid-rant and went a bit sheepish. It felt like a game of top trumps tbh it was exceptionally uncomfortable

@NaiceUser not really sure where OP mentioned he was smashing them? He'd have to throw it pretty hard to break it and from OPs description it sounds like he was picking it up and looking at it - so just normal behaviour that all customers do. A silly conclusion to jump to.

? I never said OP's son was smashing anything? I was making a general comment about PPs comparison of people touching eyeshadow vs people touching cushions and blankets ?

@NaiceUser if there's no indication of him smashing it then I'm not sure why the stallholder should have said anything. The comparison is really the same - when selling stuff on a stall people will touch the products and it really doesn't matter if it's a cushion (which gets dirty very easily especially with sticky fingers!) or eye shadow (which I suppose has the potential to get smashed if someone decided to throw it which would be weird but also I imagine rare) - as a stallholder you kinda have to accept it. Not sure what your problem is with this comparison.

We have children come into our shop. It's a charity shop and they make a bee line for the toy shelves. They pull all the stuff off the shelves whilst Mum ambles around the shop ignoring them. They break items but the parents never offer to reimburse us.

When my children were small they were told not to touch anything on the shelves and they behaved as I kept my eye on them.

It was unacceptable for your child to keep picking up stuff he was never going to buy and I bet he just randomly put it all back down.
The retailer made it clear to you he wasn't happy about this but you allowed him to keep doing it , no wonder the poor guy got hacked off. Then the spitting started not a great look in front of the other customers.

I don’t think 6 year olds should be encouraged to touch merchandise at all?

Eyeshadow palettes can be very fragile.

Sorry but you really needed to tell your ds not to touch. I think ADHD and ASD is a red herring. Hes just being a normal 6 yo. If he can't visit a market without touching stuff then he's too young. Try him again when older.

With the store owner you need to be careful. You can't just pick stuff up. ASK.

I wouldn't go handling make up products on a market stall. Unless it was a basket to rummage in. That's OK. Looking for colours . ( I might still say "can I look for a brown shade?" Etc)

That said, the store owner should have been polite. You were absolutely right to put the stuff back and leave. He didn't deserve your custom. Would have used it as an opportunity to teach your DS to not touch by saying "if you touch we go" then going if he still touched things.

The stallholders was rude but my child was not allowed to touch things like that accidents do happen

It's completely normal for adults to pick stuff up and look.
But little children, despite best intentions, can easily drop something, try to open it and break a seal / lid, have sticky fingers... Etc etc.
The stall holder is fully aware that if the 6yo child makes a simple mistake, which would not be surprising for a young child, their stock still be spoiled, and plenty of people would refuse to pay for it. Maybe you would do the right thing and pay, but he doesn't know you from Adam.

The reaction of the stall holder was understandable, and that's why it's good practice to teach children to look with their eyes not their hands. Then everyone can relax, no accidents to worry about.
The fact you haven't taught him this and had to try to alter his behaviour in that moment and go against his expectations is on you.

"...very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for. "

This (unfair) threat surely was going to lead to a big tantrum (which it did).

The stall owner wasn't great but threatening your child with 'consequences' in a situation where they weren't doing anything wrong was also pretty rubbish.

You could have said it positively ('Let's put that down, pay, and then we'll get your sweets').

YABU. Children shouldn’t be picking up things in shops. You can do role play at home, you don’t need to put someone else’s business assets at risk, especially a small business owner.

If your child had dropped the eyeshadow and broken it, the shopkeeper doesn’t know that you’d pay to cover it - for all he knows he’s left with broken unsellable stock.

I can't visit a market or shop without touching stuff. Should I stay home too until I grow out of it?

Unexpected and pleasant interactions happen all the time (partly why I would never willingly go to any sort of market myself!) Lots of people don't like kids touching their stuff, but it sounds like he was overly rude about it (but you don't know if there's a backstory to this, that involves him suffering losses in similar situations).

Regardless, as soon as the interaction became tense/unpleasant I would have removed myself and my child.

You handling an item because you’re planning on purchasing one is not the same as a child handling an item he is definitely not purchasing. Children should not be handling products in the way you have described. Ever.

This!!

He was rude but I don't let my children pick up stuff in shops etc breakable or otherwise, it just seems polite.

This thread is absolutely bonkers. The amount of people that don't touch stuff to check it out, see if they like it. If there's stuff for sale, on a table, shelves etc unless it says DO NOT TOUCH and I'm interested in it, such as make up, small ornaments etc I'm touching it. If it's quite obviously expensive like a hand made blown glass vase etc I'm not touching it.

No one has a problem with adults picking up things they might purchase, but not a 6 year old. I don’t let my young DC go around any retail place randomly picking things unless it’s a toy shop. Not because I’m a perfect parent, mostly because I don’t want to have to pay for something they might ruin, it’s just common sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

be less entitled you are wrong. His stock his rules.

To be honest, browsing in markets and shops with the dc is now our worst nightmare to be avoided at all costs. As adults, we handle things and stallholders accept that. Children see adults handle things and want to do the same. It becomes very hard to explain why they cannot also handle things, however careful they're being. We've encountered quite a few stallholders who clearly don't like children touching things. I get it, kids can be clumsy and unpredictable. Our kids touch things compulsively, both have adhd and frequently get taken over by impulse. So we just stay away from those places because both dc struggle not to touch things and we get tired of the battles with them ("Don't touch!" on repeat) and the disapproving looks from stallholders. We save our browsing for when we don't have the dc in tow.

That said, the stallholder was very rude too and would not have got my custom - particularly after you explained your son is autistic.

Regarding the spitting that others have latched onto and said they wouldn't accept, it's just bad behaviour and there's not excuse for. To do anything except ignore it and calmly walk away would have escalated the situation further. Immediate consequences in that situation are ineffective and do not correct the 'bad behaviour'. With adhd kids (added to autism) they are impusive and lack self control. Yes, spitting is gross, and hugely embarrassing, and dirty etc. But always best to wait until the child is calm and then talk reflectively about what happened, how they felt, why etc. Thankfully dd is over her spitting stage, but we do sometimes experience expletives in public, which is very embarrassing and difficult to ignore with other people's eyes boring into you and expecting you to mete out immediate consequences.

Some people have no idea how hard it is to do the normal things that other families take for granted, op. It's particularly hard when some disabilities are hidden and some children really are just naughty. Onlookers struggle to distinguish between the two.