Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

[Emmavee1]

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

Ex-stallholder here. I used to sell cushions and throws. I'd have one out on display and clean ones under the table. People want to touch things - old and young alike. It's normal. And I never minded children touching them. A friendly smile also meant the parents spent more 😂 stallholder was being unreasonable and is in the wrong line of work!

It was probably because it was eyeshadow - if they are out down roughly it can dislodge the colour blocks. Rude though. I remember a market stall holder in London shouting 'don't open it' when I picked up a locket. Just so unnecessary.

Thank you for the replies I've given my head a wobble and won't let it spoil what has been an otherwise lovely day. To the poster who also has ADHD and deals with the RSD thing, your post was so kind - thank you so much.

To answer about the spitting - Of course I'm not OK with him spitting at me. It's a maladaptive defence mechanism he resorts to when he gets distressed. I'm already working hard on redirection, as is his school. It's not a parenting fault or failure on my part. I'm always trying my best.

Other SN parents, do feel free to share how you do/would deal with something like that. I'm always open to advice.

From DS' perspective he just didn't understand why two people were suddenly angry with him when he hadn't done anything wrong to the best of his knowledge. Over time I have learnt that the worst thing you can do with DS is raise your voice at him - instant trigger - he can't cope with it.

Of course the market man wasn't to know that but if he'd have just spoken to us with basic decency it needn't have escalated to what it did.

FWIW the thing DS picked up the final time was a package of hair scrunchies so not remotely breakable and there was just no need.

Not ok to walk around a shop pawing at the merchandise whatever your age.

Oh come on. So you just pick things up and take them straight to the tills every time without having a proper look at what you're buying?

I wanted to buy three eyeshadow palettes but how am I supposed to know what the colours are without picking up the box and looking at the back? Should I not have been picking things up either? DS was only copying what I was doing and he was putting them back nicely as they were.

That being said I do agree that the best thing to do from now on is employ the blanket 'no touching' rule so as to make sure something like this doesn't happen again so I will accept IABU for not preventing him from touching things in the first place.

He sounds rude but I wouldn’t let my 6 year old child handle things on a market stall - there is no need for them to be picking things up at a market stall or in a shop at that age; the stall holder probably has had experience of children breaking things as other have said, rather than taken a dislike to your son. I do think you are over ruminating about this though

This is what I said! Along with seats are for bums not feets 😂

my mum used to say it as well and even now I get the fear when I am in the glasses department

Stall holder was abrupt and perhaps rude.
But he is within his rights to ask that his stock is not touched by small children who are quite likely to drop and break it. Therefore costing him money. This market stall is unlikely to be making him millions of pounds. He did not handle this interaction well but I think he had a valid point. I have had this happen a couple of times with my own kids when they were small. They are NT. Some shop owners are just more strict about handling the merchandise.

You are an adult, you can pay for what you break. You’re also much less likely to break it in the first place. You picking up things you intend to purchase is not the same thing.

Absolutely this!

A six year old has no business handling make up items, autistic or not, so I can see why the stall holder was pissed off and obviously spitting is disgusting behaviour but as you say you know that already.

The stallholder probably wanted this grabbing spitting kid away from his stock and who can blame him!

I have ADHD and my DC is autistic and has ADHD. Your child should nut he touching stuff in shops and on stalls, especially products designed for adults. That applies to all children and is not an uncommon policy in shops etc for good reason. He doesn't know your child and children are often careless and accidentally break things, he is then in a position where he has to get into a confrontational situation asking you to pay (which many parents sadly would refuse to do) which he was understandably worried about. You need to to try to teach your DS that the rule is not to look and not touch or unfortunately you are going to have repeats of today's encounter.

🥱

There was no spitting until the stall holder had raised his voice at us twice, so how could the spitting be anything to do with him getting pissed off in the first place? He was rude from the get go.

I abhor the spitting but I can understand the feeling behind it and why DS was headed towards a meltdown after dealing with such an unpleasant person. ND 6 year old aren't known for their measured responses to stress.

I was commenting purely on being given unwanted advice from people who have no idea. I’ve never let mine meddle with things either because they’re clumsy sods and break most things they touch!

I do think you need to try and teach him you don't pick things up unless you are interested in buying the item

I do agree and will have a blanket no touching policy from now on.

I'm very clear about not touching when it's something breakable, such as homeware or whatever else and he's generally very good in that sense, but I don't suppose the inconsistency is doing any good and it shouldn't be one is fine the other not.

Me too! I can still visualise the glass department in our local store and being told DON’T TOUCH.

To be honest children’s hands are not always as clean as adults’. I was in John Lewis the other day and some children with their father were roughly stroking all the tassels on the lights and fiddling with ones that looked quite delicate. Maybe it’s my age but I did feel like saying to their dad that someone might want to buy that.

I was an indulgent parent and not strict at all, but I was very aware that my children should be socially aware in restaurants/shops etc.

It sounds like he had to raise his voice as you were allowing your child to handle his stock? Had you stopped this it would not have escalated to the stallholder ‘being rude’ and your child then spitting

🥱right back at ya

So am I. Bet he still got the sweets too.

It's deeply disrespectful behaviour at just 6yrs old.

What happens when he is a teenager? ...Will hitting and slapping his parent also be excused by ''It's Autism?''

@oakleaffy it's honestly baffling

He was really unpleasant, no doubt about that - but don't take it to heart OP. It's pretty common for sellers to not like children touching things and I was told that as a child when I was young, mum was in antiques trade so we frequently visited markets/fairs and I learned never to pick up things. It makes them nervous, which I can understand. Don't be down about it, and maybe discourage him from picking things up whilst he's a child.

How do people buy things without picking them up to look at first?

OP, my DS is autistic and has LD, I know exactly what you mean about the raising of the voice triggering a meltdown. It’s mirroring what he sees, DS was the same. In terms of the spitting, many times DS would hit and kick me if he was overwhelmed (usually in a shopping centre), I would just sit near him till he stopped then give him a hug to help regulate him. Seemed to do the trick, he doesn’t do it any more.

Ignore the judgement, you’re clearly doing a good job, you understand his needs and try to accommodate them. Sadly you can’t account for horrible people so one of the things we have to do is help our kids navigate this.

He could of dealt with it better but his stock is his money
and he doesn’t want kids messing with it and that will be all kids not just yours

#@Emmavee1

Stall trade market holder has probably had bit of bad experience of children accidently damaging things in the past plus he doesn't earn that much,
when children are about he is on eggs 🥚 shells,

It's just negative experience can colour things,

Stall holder needs a sign saying anything broken has to be paid upfront...!

I can totally understand why he was picking things up and looking at them. That's what you were doing and all children learn by copying adults around them. You could have maybe got round this by showing him what you were looking at on the packet and saying 'only grown ups pick things up' but I also would have responded to the stallholder with ' and if he does I will pay for it'

Yup.

Don't take 6 year olds to markets.

Sounds like a trinket market too, not surprised the stall owner was wary

@oakleaffy exactly, agreed it's worrying what the child may do in future if spitting is excused now