Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

[Emmavee1]

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

your son should not be touching products on a market stall, or spitting

Stall owner was unnecessarily rude op and I agree with others I would have just walked off at that point.
I can understand stall owners being worried about young children handling items in case they get broken, they probably have past experience of this happening, but they need to deal with that in a professional way if they want the parents of the children to buy from them.

Many have signs clearly visible saying any breakages must be paid for, and when dd was younger I remember one lady at the local market being so kind saying to my dd when I told her not to pick things up, oh why don't I show you this and gently took the figure from dd then told her all about how it was made etc. It actually really had a lasting impact and dd didn't try to pick things up after that, plus I employed a new tactic. I realised she was just mirroring what I was doing and everyone else at the stalls, so I'd say to her let's look at this together and hold an item to show her. She's autistic as well and she'd ask lots of questions, quite often stall owners would then start talking to us about the items for sale, of course there are always some people who are just grumpy, or obviously busy serving customers.

I haven't ever encountered such a rude stall holder as you though op, I think that was just bad luck and I know it's hard but try not to take it personally. I'm also autistic and suspect ADHD as well, I know I'm very sensitive to things and what other people say or what I think they're thinking. I often get RSD and so does my dd, so I really empathise with how you're feeling. It's all a learning curve and I'd try to just chalk it up to one bad experience and being unlucky to encounter such a rude person, but there will always be people like this in the world and we can learn through the experience how best to deal with them. Then later like when dd got older, how to help dc navigate people and their behaviour. I try to reframe something (thanks to CBT) and use the experience to think about how I would react if something similar happened again. I found CBT really helpful with this. It doesn't take away from the immediate emotions you feel though and I'm sorry you had to deal with this person today, he was being a total arse.

The stall holder was most definitely rude but your son had no intention of buying eye shadow so why pick it up? I do find that a bit odd.

It sounds like the stall holder was unnecessarily arsey about the whole thing, but if I were in his shoes I wouldn't be happy about having a six year old messing about with the products. You say that others were also handling things, but there is a big different between an adult who is a potential customer picking up a potential purchase to look at, and a small child who is clearly not going to buy picking things up just to play with.

TBH I think you're making this isn't something it isn't bringing your child's autism into this, being curious and wanting to pick stuff up and examine is perfectly normal behavior at that age but it is also perfectly reasonable that some situations/items are not to be played with, particularly when they don't belong to you, and as a parent you have a responsibility to ensure your child isn't messing with things they shouldn't.

I’m sorry your son was upset.

However, most stall holders won’t accept children handling goods, and you shouldn’t have let your child do so even if he was mimicking you. The polite thing to do would have been to asked your son to stop.

The stall holder didn’t need to be rude but you should also have behaved differently.

The stall holder was abrupt and rude. (maybe he has ASD or something himself??) I do understand the storekeeper attitude regarding kids handling items. They can be broken, finger-marked or stolen. He doesn’t know your 6 year old from Adam. He doesn’t know if he is gentle or careful. He doesn’t know or even care about any difficulties your child has. He just doesn’t want merchandise handled/broken/damaged because he can’t sell that and has no guarantee the accompanying adult would pay for the item. Also six year olds don’t tend to do much shopping so really have no need to handle products.

It’s generally better for small kids to be educated not to pick things up in shops. It was drummed into me and my siblings as a child, used to be pretty routine as part of good manners.

The spitting? In the stall, where others were shopping? No wonder the stall holder was pissed off about that. To be honest, I think most people would have a strong opinion if they saw a school age child spit at their parent.

Autistic or not, children should be taught that things in shops aren’t for playing with and that we shouldn’t touch things that we aren’t thinking of buying.

This woman’s business assets are not there to provide your child with a role play experience.

Agree I wouldn't want a 6yo picking up eye-shadows, boxed or not. They're not toys. You told him to stop and then he did it again. The shopkeeper wasn't nice but you weren't great either. Lots of shops don't want goods handling by 6yos, it wasn't about your DS in particular except in so much as you can't manage his reactions so well, which is all the more reason to be vigilant.

I'm really sorry, but YABU. You have the right to protect your son, but the stall owner has the right to protect his stock/livelihood. And there was no need for your son to be picking up eyeshadows. Different perhaps if he was choosing a toy for himself.

It’s not nice being called out like that but you shouldn’t have let your son pick up the items in the first place.
It is important to teach your son this.
I know what the urge to touch things is like but you have to reinforce ‘don’t touch’ It’s very difficult with ND people but not impossible.

Maybe the stall holder had autism and couldn’t cope with your son touching stuff?

Either way, autism or not, children should not be fiddling with things they cannot purchase.

You put him in this situation by allowing that. Lesson learnt and now you can explain to ds that he can’t touch stuff that isn’t his or he isn’t about to buy.

You haven't got a clue. I feel embarrassed for you.

Kids like colourful things. My son loves looking at lipsticks, reading the names etc.

My DS has autism and ADHD. I wouldn't have allowed him to touch the merchandise.

I'm embarrassed for you. Children should not be picking up items on a market stall, especially things that could be dropped and broken or their dirty, sticky hands can mark the packaging.
You look with your eyes, not your hands

Yes but unless he's going to buy them he shouldn't be touching them. Looking fine, touching not ok. Same for adults too. Not ok to walk around a shop pawing at the merchandise whatever your age.

You should not have let your child pick up several items.

This is my mantra too but for ADHD! Until you’ve raised a child with ADHD you have no idea. So keep your advice to yourself.

So like @MrTiddlesTheCat then, whose advice is the same as the majority - that DC shouldn't have been touching the merch.

If he wasn't autistic you'd be getting such different comments! I'm shocked that your son spat at you and you're fine with it

I am raising a child with both. I still think that the op was wrong to be letting him handle things in the shop.

I'm ND and my mantra with my DC was 'look with your eyes, not with your hands'. They're adults now and they've never forgotten!

How ignorant of you. I have raised many autistic children. but go ahead, be all superior and patronising if you enjoy it. It doesn't matter to me. You are just making yourself look silly, no one else.

This. There are so many people these days who would break stuff and refuse to pay so he's understandably wary of another child touching stuff. But equally DS isn't doing any harm and is learning about life through copying (that's autism for you) so he's not in the wrong. And you were parenting so you were fine too. Just put it down to one of those things. And maybe try and explain to DS that we only pick things up to look at them if we think we might buy them, so that he knows you weren't cross with him.

The stallholder was rude in the way he spoke to you, but perhaps your son was one of many children who had picked up items (and potentially broken them) that day and he’d had enough of it by that point. I imagine there are also plenty of people who would refuse to pay for something that was broken, and then he loses money.

I don’t think he should have had a go at you about the spitting though. It’s obvious that’s not something you’d condone or think was acceptable for your son, so it’s pointless to stress you further about it when you were clearly already upset. I assume the stall was outside, so he could have poured a bit of water over it.