Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

[Emmavee1]

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

Yes ok the child shouldn’t be picking things up but it’s not like a huge crime was committed. The child picked something up to read it, perhaps in an absent minded way while his mum had her back turned. To assume “he was going to break it” and scold the mum/child in front of everyone is just rude to be honest. And this is aside from the fact the child has ASD/ADHD.

I think it's about planning. And autism is a huge spectrum - non speaking autistic children with co-existing LD have a different ability to understand and communicate then highly anxious speaking autistic children for example. And that's just two examples of presentation. It's never 'all autistic children can do xyz'.
Assuming ops child could understand and follow rules I would have stated these in advance and reminded mine several times. With my own children it was a case of planning a day, setting expectations and minimising how long we were out for.

This 109 per cent, also and only if it's advice you asked for

The OP says I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The OP knew he was picking things up and didn't immediately tell him not to the first time. Of course the stall holder would be annoyed.

As op has stated though he was just reading them copying her. It would be different if he was throwing them around or opening them.

Wow some of the comments on this post make me really sad. I knew some people could be judgemental and ableist but didn't think they'd so willingly admit it...

OP - I understand what it's like. You should be able to take your child places regardless of their disability. You should be trusted to parent your child and not have a busybody market trader tell your child what to do. You know your child best and know what they're capable of. Nothing got broken which shows that your judgement was working fine. The interfering caused your child to spit at you. If the market trader had let you parent your child then that wouldn't have happened and still nothing would have got broken.

Shame on anyone who has commented about "letting" your child spit. Clearly they need to go and do some fucking research.

It was a shitty situation with everyone set up to fail really.

Stall owner probably weary and has experience of kids picking up stuff and breaking it. The pallets are a loss if dropped and the powder displaced. They probably dealt with the general public all day in all kinds of scenarios. They were rude and more forceful than necessary, but shit happens.

You knew your kid , they didn't, so for you it was fine. You also knew shouting and performing discipline for the sake of placating a rude person would be pointless. All you wanted was to buy some stuff in peace. I can see you getting stressed and feel judged in the situation, wanting it to stop while at the same time really wanting those pallets. So it wasn't as easy as "just leave" if the idea even occurred to you.

Your kid wasn't doing anything wrong in his view, because he wasn't. He was handling the items with care and reading. He was copying you and no one told you off. Then suddenly two people were cross at him for no reason. The situation didn't make sense which probably triggered his anxiety AND it triggered his possible sense of fairness(a typical autistic trait, I don't know if your son has it). Once again the world turned loud, aggressive,turned on him and he had no idea why.

Don't dwell on it, shit happens. Even to "perfect "parents of NT beautifully behaved children. Maybe not as often , but it does.

It's not your fault or your kid's fault. Try and focus on the good things about today and what a nice outing you had. Easier said than done, I know.

It's unnecessary handling. It's considered rude to pick things up you aren't interested in buying. I would expect a parent to gently explain to a child not to touch the first time they did it, not allow them to continue the behaviour.

I know what you mean. I do think the stall holder sounded on the rude side though regardless.

It's considered rude to pick things up you aren't interested in buying.

Says who?

I don’t think it’s rude at all to handle things as you’re browsing.

Yep all OP needs to say to her DS is “please don’t pick those items up, it’s impolite to do so if you’re not going to buy them”.

But no, she lets her DS pick up the items, which are delicate, antagonising the stall holder.

Would she let her DS do the same in a gift shop where there are clear signs saying “all breakages much be paid for”. The latter sign is probably what the stall holder will put on his stall going forwards.

They’re delicate items. A child is picking them up. Children aren’t known for treating delicate items with care.

You can pick up something if you’re looking and maybe intending to buy it. I sometimes do.

The child here would not be buying makeup. His mother might be. She’s fine to look at the item. He’s looking at because he’s curious/bored.

It's general good manners and common sense so things are not overhandled. You can look without touching most of the time.

He’s copying mum, it’s not like he was running riot, flinging things about. That said, wasn’t the last thing he picked up a scrunchie? Not exactly delicate.

I agree, she's fine to pick it up, the same as the child could pick up a pocket money toy if he was there with money to buy one.

It’s assumed that breakages will be paid for regardless of whether there is a sign saying it .

Is it? I never knew this and I'm 45. How the hell are you suppose to know if you want something unless you look at it properly. I think that's total crap.
If his eyeshadow palettes are so precious he needs to have a tester and the rest stored away. Who in this day and age doesn't have a tester?

If you are interested in buying the item then you would look at it properly. A six year old child is obviously not going to buy it so they should not be touching. A matchbox car or something to buy with their pocket money, fair enough.

Stall holder could have dealt with it better but would you have let him pick up glassware or cakes from another stall - I'm guessing not as he's a child, nothing else - so that would then be mixed messages?

I wouldn't allow my child at that age autism or not to touch items on a stall. it's actually pretty entitled of you

Also autistic / ADHD and my child/ren are both or combo. Storeholder was rude and I would have left sooner - except you have to remember the stall is his livelihood - its how he earns money to feed and care for himself and possibly a family. It's not there for anyone's kids to play with - which is effectively what your son was doing. He was playing by copying you - he wasn't going to buy eyeshadow for himself. And eyeshadow is fragile once's its knocked and breaks and starts to powder it can't be sold.

Exactly

Objectively quite a few things wrong with this encounter. You shouldn't have let your child handle anything in a shop unless either you are buying it or he needs to handle it to decide if he wants it (e.g. toy). The stall holder was unnecessarily rude. I would have walked away at that point. After that if your child touched something else you should have stopped him immediately. But I think getting angry with your child and threatening him with loss of treat was the biggest mistake really. You basically blamed him for the stall holder's unreasonable behaviour as well as your own failure to stop him handling things consistently. Your son hadn't done anything wrong at that point - it would have been better to have gently asked him to put it down and walk away. Especially as you know he can overreact due to his ND. Spitting not ideal but was a direct consequence. I just think the whole scenario set him up to fail and could have been averted at several points.

These things happen though, i'm sure all parents take it out on kids occasionally when things go wrong. I shouted at my 4 year old for getting dog poo in the car earlier... obviously not his fault that some dirty bastard hadn't picked up after their dog at a local kids play area...