Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

[Emmavee1]

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

The stall holder was rude, although perfectly within his rights to request your child not touch things.
I don't think telling your Autistic child they wouldn't get the sweets you'd promised (or, whatever) was the best move, either, but you were feeling stressed.
(I say this as an Autistic Mother of Autistic twins) I don't really feel it was necessary to mention that your child is Autistic to the stallholder, as it bears no relevance to the latter's request for your child to stop touching things.

That’s literally the definition of threat. He was placed in an impossible position. By you. His mother. You then threatened him.

@NaiceUser but he wasn't going to break anything. He was picking it up and reading it. If the stall holder is so sensitive about people touching their products they are in the wrong business.

FFS 🙄

Exactly. It's similar to when I used to take my son to car boot sales, there would often be stalls/tables with kids toys in clear bags, think Bob the builder figure sets etc. Obviously my son (maybe 7 years old) would want to take a look, see what sets there were, and the stall holder would always snap 'don't touch'. I just think, what a sad prick. Fancy selling kids toys and then barking at the kids who take a look. If the market stall holder is that precious then he needs to have signs up.

You don’t have to tell me how to parent an autistic child thanks. I’ve raised two into adulthood and both have had their own struggles, I’ve had times when I dealt with things well and times when I haven’t. But both now cope incredibly well generally and are an absolute joy to be around.

Allowing a 6 year old to handle make up it not necessarily a mistake, it very much depends on the 6 year old and a palette of eye shadow and a scrunchie is hardly a weapon of mass destruction, the worst that’s going to happen is he drops it and then OP pays for it. The child was literally just mirroring what his mum was doing.

OP was then subjected to the sort of judgement on her parenting that you’re displaying here and she felt pressured into making some sort of gesture to pacify the stall holder. It’s when stuff like this happens, as a parent of a child with SEND, that stuff escalates, because we parent in the way someone else feels we should instead of the way that our kids need.

If you’re a parent of a child with SEND I’m really surprised that you’re being so unhelpful and judgemental.

@Emmavee1 I imagine you're pretty fed up with some people bashing you and have left the thread.

I just wanted to say I think you sound like a lovely parent, trying your hardest in a difficult situation and most likely generally succeeding. You are not alone, and parents of nd children in particular are always learning, often having to make mistakes along the way. I've responded very badly to my dd sometimes over the years (mostly by trying to parent her in a neurotypical rewards and consequences way, which has ended in disaster) and it took a long time to understand her, and how to manage her extremes. Your experience will really resonate with fellow parents of nd children, and those with the intelligence to realise that their experience is not how everyone experiences life. Aibu is notorious for dragging out the more incendiary and often quite bizarre responses.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you're further down that road than I am, you know your child very well, understand his triggers and are managing very well on the whole. The market incident is a blip. Put it down to experience, move on. Your son is very lucky to have you.

I wasn’t telling you how to anything. I haven’t addressed you at all. Nor have I judged anyone. ALL parents make mistakes. The trick is to own it.

@Whatafustercluck
spot on.

This will out me if a particular friend is on here by my youngest, when he hears that a younger child is or might be autistic, says ‘that’s cool, sometimes it’s hard when you’re trying to understand and learn about it but it gets much easier and it’s OK’

Your reply to my comment….

When you have an autistic child priority 1 is modelling how to behave and calmly explaining.

Telling me how to raise an autistic child

Allowing a 6 year old to handle make up is a mistake. To then threaten that child awful.

Judging someone

Generic statement about parenting.

Not judging.

I don't think anyone can blame the stall holder. Try running a market stall and see what hard, cold work it is and for not much financial reward either. I expect he'd had a belly full of kids breaking or pinching stuff. I dare say there are quite a proportion of parents who say their child has ADHD or autism, whether they have or not. That isn't the stall holders problem. He hasn't got a sign up saying "stall specially adjusted for those with autism and ADHD". He hasn't got the time, energy or profits to justify that. All he knows is that a 6 year old boy is handling eye shadow products, which he is highly unlikely to buy or want, who then proceeds to spit at his mother when told to put them down. Since when did market stall holders have to attain psychological/diplomatic training? He probably left school himself at 16 and is no stranger to hard knocks.

A ‘generic statement’ about parenting which tells other people what ‘priority one’ is? But it’s not advice on parenting?

Describing something a parent has done as a ‘mistake’ and ‘awful’ but it’s not judging?

I strongly disagree and am surprised that you can’t see that this is how it comes across even if it wasn’t intended that way.

Eyeshadows are very easily damaged if dropped, the stall holder might have been rude but maybe he's sick to the back teeth of his products being ruined by people not being careful. Maybe every person who's child is doing something they've been asked not to is autistic when challenged.

I am sorry this upset you, and agree a blanket 'no touching' policy is probably the way to go. The spitting is disgusting, I have no idea about autism and how to tackle it, but I'd be grossed out if I saw anyone spitting. I probably wouldn't say anything.

No, it’s not advice. It’s my opinion.

And no, it isn’t judging. As I said everyone makes mistakes, you’re assuming there was judgment. That says more about you than me.

I realise that your statement about ‘priority number one’ is an opinion, but the way you phrase it as a sweeping statement without any acknowledgement that it is an opinion, makes it sound like you’re telling people what they need to do.

If you’re describing something as awful and a mistake, especially when that’s based purely on opinion - that’s a judgement. Sorry, I realise that you don’t want to hear it, but it is.

Anyway, I’ve made the point that I wanted to and you don’t agree that the way you worded it was not ideal and that’s fair enough.

That’s your baggage adding meaning to statements that wasn’t there.

*By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

That’s not really telling off, is it? Plus, she wasn’t ‘telling him off’ for touching the items, she was telling him off for doing something she’d just asked him not to do.

She we happy to let him touch the items, and read the labels (as she was doing), until the stall holder started being grumpy … she sent her ds mixed messages from that point on. Not the best thing to do with an asd child. And yes, it was telling him off, and yes it was for touching the items … she literally said that herself.