Market experience with autistic DS, I'm gutted

[Emmavee1]

I'm out with my son who is 6, he has autism and ADHD. I have ADHD myself and that's probably why I've taken this interaction to heart but I'm really upset.

DS is fine coming to the market and really enjoys it, we've had a lovely afternoon until just now.

I was looking at some little (boxed) items on one of the stalls and DS was copying me, picking up one thing at a time and reading the packaging.

The stall owner took an instant dislike to DS handling the items and said, in an abrupt tone, that he's going to break them. He wasn't, he was just reading the boxes as I was - and several other people who were shopping there. They were sealed and boxed eyeshadow pallets. He wasn't even trying to open them.

I told DS to put it down and he did, then he stepped away.

I select what I want and wait my turn to pay.

Whilst waiting to pay, DS picked up something else and started to read packaging on that.

The stall owner, full on pissed off at this point, starts having a go at me saying he's going to break them.

By that point I was feeling stressed and told DS, very firmly, to stop touching the products otherwise we wouldn't be buying the sweet he'd been asking for.

DS gets upset and spits at me, whilst I'm still waiting to pay, and the stall owner starts having a go at me about that.

I told him that he's autistic and he just doesn't understand the way other people do and to please try to be understanding.

He then has a go at me and says I'm giving him "mixed messages"

I put back the items I had and left fighting back tears.

I don't know why it has upset me so much as I should be used to things like this now.

Do you think I was in the wrong here?

There was no spitting until the stall holder had raised his voice at us twice

^^

Right. It's the stall holder's fault

The stall holder was abrupt and rude. (maybe he has ASD or something himself??)

Yes, interesting that OP would like the stallholder to give her and her son the benefit of the doubt (/special treatment) due to their conditions without considering that the stallholder might have issues of his own.

ASD or not, it's the stallholder's stock and he has the right to ask anyone not to touch them regardless of reason.

I also have ADHD and an autistic child. I totally get that stomach sinking feeling you get when someone crtisises you and/or your child or parenting.

As people have said the stall holder was very rude. But as we both know the urge to please people and rejection sensitivity is really strong with people with ADHD, so it sounds like you probably stayed too long and allowed this horrible person to trigger your child. This is not meant as a criticism, but it probably does explain why you feel so bad - you're feeling the RSD over the man's reactions to you and your son, and being hard on yourself for the situation panning out how it did.

Be kind to yourself. It's hard being the ND parent of an ND child in a world that is frequently working against us.

Always walk away from rude business owners they rely on you for their livelihood but that doesn't mean they are always decent polite people .. Your son did nothing wrong, if there are no signs up saying Do Not Touch 🤷🏻

I walked straight back out of an antiques/secondhand objects shop a few weeks back, because the woman barked "BE CAREFUL WITH THAT BACKPACK" at me two seconds after I'd stepped in the door. I am scrupulously careful with my (small, flat) backpack, as an adult mother of four who is capable of not smashing everything around me, the cheeky bastard! I walked immediately out, her loss, I was going to buy something in the window. We go to that town often and never ever shop there now.

I also stopped using a local wholefoods store because I don't agree with the owner's political views about what a biological woman is. Shame because I liked the food, but nah, not happening.

Do you know anything about supporting kids with additional needs? Because there’s a huge difference between excusing spitting / other behaviour and understanding why a young person is doing it and helping them to self regulate and find other ways to deal with a situation.

You simply cannot respond to a neurodiverse child’s needs in the same way as you do a neurotypical child and expect it to work. If you do, the chances are that the behaviour will continue and may get worse. Prisons and mental health services are chocka with people who didn’t have their SEN met effectively when they were younger and just dealt with them the same way they deal with other ‘typical’ kids.

Of course the Op Is not ok with the spitting. Her child had clearly become disregulated at that point, as happens with many ASD kids. It is likely to be one of many battles she is fighting on a daily basis!

Op - If it's of any comfort we went through a phase when my Autistic lad used to spit. It was horrendous and I found it so upsetting. However, we were quite firm about how disgusting it was without making too big a deal of it, and he no longer does it.

‘Fault’ isn’t the issue here, there was an environmental trigger which set the little boy off. He reacted to it. The stallholder wasn’t to know this and judging by the reactions of some of the people on here, even if he did there’s no guarantee that he would have understood or even cared about that.

No one is blaming the stallholder, they’re explaining what the trigger was.

He was clearly rude and I wouldn’t have bought there either. But I have a 6 year old and I really discourage her from picking things up and handling them for the sake of it - which includes modelling not doing so myself.

The stallowner probably thought that DS wont be purchasing the items he was touching and it was unnecessary for him to touch them.

People often break things at markets and refuse to pay for them. I appreciate that might not be you, but people do so you can understand why he was unhappy about someone not buying an item touching it.

It wasnt about your son, it was about a child touching his stock.

He should have been nicer but equally DS had already been told not to touch by you so having him pick up another item is kind of on you. You should have been addressing it immediately, not needing the stallkeper to do it.

You let your son down the minute you listened to the stall holder and told your son off for touching the items. He was copying your behaviour, as many autistic children do. It went from bad to worse, your poor ds. I would have walked away and bought elsewhere as soon as the stall holder made the first remark/comment/sigh.

You are doing great. Don't let this man doubt yourself.

Yabu.

It wasn't personal.

Eyeshadow palettes are expensive and break really easily.

I don’t think it was ableist, he would’ve said that to any child picking up the items.

What were the items out of interest?

A scrunchy I believe, according to the latter posts

Oh that’s not really a big deal. Some people just don’t like kids, he sounds like one of them.

I guess we'll end up in a world where people can do whatever they feel entitled to, and rules will go out of the window 🤷‍♀️

But OP has to let her son pick it up and look at it, even though it’s not something which would interest him? Why should her DS be allowed to pick up items, especially if they’re items he won’t really be interested in.

I’d be annoyed if I was the stall holder too. He wants to be able to sell the makeup and if it’s damaged he won’t be able to. The spitting was appalling too.

Definitely this. Let people do whatever they want and no one says anything ever or people get offended if someone does say anything to them.

This is something the man does for a living, he’s not selling makeup on a market stall for a laugh.

Yes, and then only if there is a need to pick it up, such as a feature you can't easily see or if the price is on the bottom. Otherwise, I'd only pick up what I'd already decided to buy.

While I can understand a stall holder being worried about a child breaking something, I do think it sounds like they were on the rude side. It’s such a crappy feeling when somebody scolds you/your child like that, and it sounds like your child didn’t do anything wrong anyway. It’s more likely like this person is stressed out and took it out on you/your child. Perhaps had bad experience in the past with kids breaking things and parents not paying or something. The fact that you are stressing out about it shows that you are a considerate person. I certainly wouldn’t shop there again I know that much.

The child did do something wrong, it's generally considered rude to pick things up that you have no interest in buying. Not that it's the child's fault, the parent should have told them not to touch the first time it happened. If it had been pocket money toys that the child had been looking at to buy themselves, or if they were a bit older and buying a gift, then of course that's different.

He just needs to be told not to play with goods for sale that he is not going to buy.Products easily become 'shop-soiled' with handling,
I cant see how he was ablist??

Where does it say she told him off?

This

Perhaps she has had many children that day opening and breaking stuff and had just had enough.
Maybe they all had autism when challenged