Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

She has tried to set you up with him. She’s probably told him that this is a potential relationship and that’s why he’s pushing so hard. He’s clearly crossing the boundary of friendship and treating you like a girlfriend, constant messages and expensive gifts etc. If I was you I’d back off swiftly. Just stop replying. If he keeps messaging then let him. Put him on mute.

Oh yeah. Screw that.

Id just bite the bullet and go with whatever happens, the over the top buying and messaging isn't nice, it's lovebombing obsessive behaviour. Hes getting away with ignoring your boundaries because you're being nice.

Youve tried being nice, and he's not listened, you now just need to be blunt. If your friend can't deal with that then that's a bit tough.

I'd message him again and tell him you want to stop contact with him, say that you've tried explaining nicely that it's too much, and you don't want gifts/ lots of messages and unfortunately he's not listened to your boundaries at all, and therefore you now wish to cease contact. And then I'd block him.

if your friend says "oh he's lovely" etc. just say that unfortunately he ignored all of your requests to back off so you had no choice but to stop him being able to contact you.

It will carry on unless you actually tell him very bluntly to go away.

Yanbu to not want to talk to someone constantly who you barely know. The gifts etc do sound like he is borderline obsessive and I’d be worried about that too.
I think you need to be really honest about your situation. Maybe taking the emphasis off him if you don’t want to upset him.
“I’m sorry but my life is really busy at the moment and I just don’t have time to keep meeting up with you or texting you.” And then if he still doesnt stop, mute or block. You don’t owe this guy anything! It sounds like your friend just wanted to offload him onto you so he’s not hounding her so much! Xxx

Just tell him. You're not a facilitator to enable other people to have a nice life that goes exactly as they want it. You've got your own life to look after.

Wise advice! Very hard to follow in real life, but definitely the right thing to do.

And it's NOT lovely behaviour to completely ignore your boundaries and do whatever he wants even though you've asked him to stop. You've asked him to stop. We all know that no means no!

I'd message him again and tell him you want to stop contact with him, say that you've tried explaining nicely that it's too much, and you don't want gifts/ lots of messages and unfortunately he's not listened to your boundaries at all, and therefore you now wish to cease contact. And then I'd block him.

I'd try this.

I'd also get angry with friend who set this up - she dismissing your concerns and has brought a lot if unnecessary stress into your life - I'd be less worried about her painting you as the bad guy and more wondering if she threw you under the bus.

I'd just not respond.
Or weekly (and then less) with just 'hi, sounds like you're doing well, I'm not free though I'm afraid'.
After a while he'll get the hint.

Gosh no, you're not being unreasonable. I'd have blocked after a week!

Yanbu and I expect your friend is passing on the suffocation she felt to you.

No advice other than I'd set up a group chat together and try to include her at all meetings. If she isnt engaging she can hardly paint you as the bad guy.

The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

Yeah, I don't think so. He was obsessively buying for her too and she, like you, had enough of this manipulative love bombing. Is he on the spectrum?

All of this. Be honest with them both. Don’t make excuses about not having the time, because he’ll wait for when you do have the time.

Have you met him/ gone out together? or is it just messages?
No wonder he gets dumped, he sounds like a stalker.

You say he's a nice person but he clearly isn't, rather he is using ostensible niceness to bully you and strong arm you into obeying him. Because you've told yourself that he is nice you feel as if you can't be blunt with him, you feel as if you have to be nice to him.
Block him and ignore him.

This sounds creepy. Give him a firm ultimatum and then block if he trespasses even a single time.

It's time to fake your own death and move to Panama!

It's that or spell it out to him directly. To be honest, it sounds like your friend might have been stiring, trying to play matchmaker. And despite what you told her, she has told him you fancy him.

The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him
This is about your friend, your so-called friend not wanting to be the focus of his unwanted obsessive intrusive attention. Your so called friend is throwing you under the bus. Breakfree of their grasp, wrestle them to the floor and throw them under the bus.

Thus is suffocating and I would bluntly tell him that you are not interested and to stop contacting you.

Thus may sound a bit OTT but I would then start writing down every contact, gift, call etc so you have CV a record. Then if it continues, warn him that he is harassing you, and if it continues you will take further action. Ie police.

i don’t think it’s borderline obsessive, it is obsessive. And stalker-ish.

I also don’t think he’s a nice guy. If he were, he would have got your message and backed off.

Put yourself first, don’t be a people pleaser and extract yourself from this ‘friendship’. As you said, you don’t need him in your life. Stop responding to his messages etc.

Gosh, can I just say how much of a relief it is to see these replies! I feel so much better about trying to tackle this knowing that I'm not just being an antisocial moo (well, maybe a little).

I'll try and reply to some points and questions.

Love bombing is exactly how I categorise it.

I have also had the strong feeling that this was my friends way of shifting his incessant messaging away from her and onto me!

Someone asked if he's on the spectrum. Quite possibly, he has an extensive (obsessive) collection of anything that interests him.

Someone asked if we had met in person. Yes we have several times. Sat eating lunch or walking around town he's just a normal person to spend time with (other than the constant offers to buy anything I look at for more than 3 seconds!).

I can see I'm going to have to be firmer in my boundaries, it's just one of those things that's easy to advise someone to do, but in practice much harder to articulate without sounding horrible.

THIS is exactly what I feel like doing 😂

I can see I'm going to have to be firmer in my boundaries, it's just one of those things that's easy to advise someone to do, but in practice much harder to articulate without sounding horrible
Yes, it isn’t easy. But it gets much easier when you start doing it and nothing terrible happens, people don’t take advantage of you so much and your relationships with everyone are better. And it honestly doesn’t sound horrible if you politely say no. Your current situation is only as tricky as this because it’s gone way too far, and unfortunately your “friend” is using you to offload his unwanted attention onto you. In future you can stop this happening.

You either have to be firmer with boundaries. Decide how often you are happy to meet, say once a month then stick to it. Ignore messages until you are ready to reply.

Or break up with him. Tell him you have too much on at the minute and can't commit to a friendship and wish him well. Then block him.

I agree with others I think your friend has sold it as potentially more and got his hopes up. Also agree she's offset him to you so she gets a break.

I feel so much better about trying to tackle this knowing that I'm not just being an antisocial moo (well, maybe a little)
No, stop right there op, not even a little. HE is the antisocial one, not you.

Sat eating lunch or walking around town he's just a normal person to spend time with (other than the constant offers to buy anything I look at for more than 3 seconds!)
Look at what you said there op, he's not a normal person to spend time with, normal people don't keep trying to force things on you. The reason he keeps trying to buy you things is he wants you to feel obligated towards him, he wants you to return the favors that he is pressing on you, favors that you neither want nor need. In other words they are not favors!
He is just trying to impose his unwanted attention on you, he is trying to dominate and bully you

You're making excuses for him because you're a polite person, but you're going too far you're giving him the benefit of the doubt when there is no doubt. You're being a pushover your 'friend' knows that you're a pushover and that's why she's pushing you over.
We are here to prop you up while your spine wakes up and realizes what it's there for😁

If you cant just bluntly tell him, the best way out may be to say you have a new boyfriend so very little free time now. Bit cruel to be kind

Why on earth did you go down this road in the first place?
Make it clear to people at the start your not interested.
Good luck getting rid, you'll need it.
Reminds me of so.eone I knew once who gave a man at a disco her phone number then didn't like it when he contacted her??
Don't give your number out then.

Honestly I did consider this! That or changing my working hours so I'm never off work on the same day as him (but I honestly think he'd change his working hours to make himself available!)

As I said, I have social anxiety so tackling anything head on is really stressful for me.
I actually thought I HAD been very honest and direct with him (for me) by telling him I was busy/ tired/ ignoring messages until I'm ready to reply/ asking him not to buy me things.