Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

Sounds like a guy I once met on a Facebook hobby page. Made the mistake of answering a post and he started messaging me relentlessly. It got really annoying. Then I found out from a couple of other ladies that he was messaging them relentlessly too. I think he was just a bit lonely but he was so over the top he put people off. I stopped replying to him in the end and it fizzled out. I felt bad but it was just too much. Like a pp said, women feel obligated to pander to these men and then we feel bad if we have to put a stop to it but we really shouldn’t.

You’re just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him that’s it’s not working for you and you’d rather not see him again. Cruel to be kind and all that. And tell your sister to mind her own business in future.

Worst advice ever

first bit of ‘advice’ was a joke but I probably would just ignore him if it was me 😀

Tell him you’re a lesbian & have a girlfriend lol

Firstly a few tactics that may work if as you mentioned earlier he may be on the spectrum.

1. Tell him you are embracing a simple.life and are making it your goal to cut down in unnecessary belongings and material goods, treats etc, because the work would be a better place if we didnt focus on spending money, having belongings etc. This will help with the issue of buying gifts all the time.
2. Tell him you are planning on having so many days a week privately winding down and meditating, explain that this will be without phones etc and turn them off, steadily increase it. If you don't want to turn it off just screen his calls on them days. Steadily increase it to two then three days etc
3. Start discussing someone you potentially may be interested in and talk to him like he's a good friend you are happy to discuss your love life with as opposed to boyfriend material, maybe someone at work etc, if he's after love then chances are he will realise your not and start to wane. Maybe do as your friend says and suggest other who he may get to know or social groups that he can join.
4. Try to work out his dislikes and focus on doing them, if he dislikes noisy environments suggest meeting in one. He will sharp get bored.

I guarantee the ex who used him for gifts was not an ex at all and was in exactly the same position as you. You’ll be the latest ‘ex’ once you tell him where to go.

Can we help you word a firm and blunt but not unkind message to him?

’Sorry X, but I’m just not the person for a friendship with you. I’m a bit of a hermit and like my own space and not to be constantly messaging. I have asked you many times to stop buying me gifts as it makes me feel uncomfortable and this seems to fall on deaf ears. I think it’s best for us both that we are not in contact anymore. I do wish you the best.’

With three children, it's time you stood up for yourself - or what are you intending to teach your children?
"Hi. Really sorry, But this friendship is taking up too much of my time. I'm ending it, to re-focus on raising my children. Wishing you the best in your future. I won't be replying to any more texts."
How bleeding hard is that???

How did it go, OP?

The guy is obviously v needy, but you have your own problems. Doubtless your actual friend meant well and couldn't foresee the stress it would cause you.

Your responsibility is to your kids and yourself, not him. Don't feel guilty about ending this "friendship", it's toxic and not actually doing anybody any good.

I expect others on here will have good suggestions as to how to humanely knock this on the head. It's clear you don't want to hurt the guy or upset your real friend.

Good luck.

If he's on the spectrum he can't help his obsessive behaviour. I think he buys you stuff because he believes it's a way to please you and doesn't process your response correctly. You don't know what your friend has told him about you. She might have said you love attention and little gifts. He would believe her.
If you're prepared to still see him, tell him in very simple terms you will text/message once only per week and you will meet once only every three weeks (or whatever suits you). When he calls at other times, remind him briefly of what you told him and say, 'Speak again later, like we agreed'. Repeat as necessary. Autistic people don't always grasp what you mean.

Just block him, you don’t owe him an explanation or your time.

This is a great observation. You only have so much time and energy and as a mother of 3 children you don’t have much to spare. Don’t feel bad for saying no to strangers or for refusing to take on someone you don’t know’s drama.

I would return any gifts and tell the man that you are finding him too full on. Then block him. There is no nice way of doing this. Just rip of the plaster quickly!

1. Your friend has trapped you.

2. Your friend has Gaslit you into keeping up communications

3. He is love bombing you.

4. Block him. Now. Tonight.

5. Tell friend to date him if she's that concerned.

Just blocked my 'nice guy'. was spending time with my family and phone kept pinging.
Being nice hasn't worked so I've blocked him. Will still see him at work and continue to be polite but distant.

Years ago, my sister once cut off a pushy guy with a message along the lines of ‘I’m not taking on any new friends right now’ which highly impressed me.

How about ‘on reflection, I’m going to dial down our friendship. My life is very busy, and I am finding your communication and gifts are too much and create a sense of obligation. So it’s time for me to wish you well.’

To be clear is to be kind.

I would start with your DS. Something along the lines of “I don’t know what you told him about me, but he is behaving obsessive and creepy. He is making demands on my time and attention that I am not comfortable giving. He is bombarding me with unwanted gifts that I feel he is using to guilt me into spending time with him. I don’t want a relationship with him and I need you to stop encouraging him to pursue me.”

Then send him a direct, not sugarcoated message “I will not be continuing to have a relationship with you. I will not be responding to any communication and won’t be accepting any gifts for myself and my children. I’m sorry if this has hurt your feelings, but this is what works best for me.”

In the near future you need to have a discussion with your DS about not setting you up with people. Tell her directly that you are not interested in dating and are happy with your current friendships. While you can appreciate that she means well, it hasn’t worked out well for you.

Before I met my DH, people were constantly setting me up. Many times it was with “great guys whose ex’s had taken advantage of them”. Every time they turned out to have problematic behavior and people couldn’t understand because they seemed so nice. One guy continued to try to stay in contact even after he was married. My DH, boyfriend at the time, had to threaten him to get him to leave me alone. His wife ended up divorcing him right after that too.

Tell your friend that neither she nor her friend are reading the room at all. He’s not lovely. He’s overbearing and pushy, intrusive and quite frankly, every single red flag you have is flapping violently in your face. Neither your friend or this bloke are listening to your boundaries and if she likes him so much then SHE should date him.

Honestly yes it would be just as bizarre to start a 'friendship' with someone you've never met if they were a woman. It's not usual behaviour! It's very different to be texting someone and meeting up as 'friends' than chatting to randoms on mumsnet. However adding in the fact that you're both single and presumably interested in the opposite sex and this becomes very much a pseudo dating situation which anyone could have predicted. You don't owe anyone friendship, time or texting. You sound like you have your hands full, don't take on random 'recommended' people who are 'going through a hard time' to start texting and meeting up with just because someone you know says they are ok.

I've met both men and women like this in my lifetime and I learned that anyone who makes you FEEL obligated to meet/communicate with them is manipulative and dangerous to you in some way.
The way you are reacting is how I used to be but I've been very badly burned.
Your instinct is telling you this feels bad - trust it.
Predatory sick people come in many forms and put on a needy act - they pry on people who try to be nice even to their own detriment.
People that might seem selfish in ignoring these types have the right idea and are far less victimised. You don't need to wait to find out how bad things can get. You owe him nothing.

Just make a couple of excuses saying you're really busy if you must then cut him off completely ignoring messages altogether and block him and don't ever doubt yourself and go back on it.
You have to think of your children too.

Over time it gets easier to realise that it's more important to be safe than to give people the benefit of the doubt when you see red flags. Even just really annoying people aren't your problem. In entertaining the idea you can be friends you are just prolonging the inevitable day you cut them off completely anyway so there literally is no point whatsoever.

Your sister MIGHT mean well but remember family members
get people wrong all the time-why do you think you should listen to her like her opinion carries more weight than yours?!

@AWOL66 🙌👏👌

You and this guy can never be friends.
*You don't like him/his behaviour towards you
*He doesn't pay any attention to your preferences
*You have zero history with him of a good and balanced relationship of any type or variety.
*The only reason you've given him the time of day is because your sister made a case for why he needed you

• You don't actually have time/emotional energy for this kind of relationship, weren't looking for a friend and were persuaded to set that aside and give it a chance. You've done that.
• You now know that the sob story of the ungrateful gold digging gf is very likely total bollocks and you're next for that accusation.

The sooner you draw an emphatic line under this whole charade the better.

I haven't read it all but I also think your friend has encouraged him
I'd steer clear of the pair of them

I would say sorry but l can't be the friend you need me to be then not reply again. Yoyr friend is awful for putting you in this situation.

Your friend dumped him on you, possibly knowing full well how much hard work he is.
I would block him personally.

@Ivymom It was her sister, not her son!