Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

You're not responsible for his happiness.
Just block him.

A note, if he's neurodivergent...

...then you need language that is short and to the point, otherwise the message can get lost.

So with "oh I didn't expect you to make one for me, you should sell it on eBay, you'll easily get a buyer!" is way too much language to actually hear the message. All he might take from that is that you didn't expect it, not that you didn't want it. Return what you don't want and say 'No, thank you'.

Totally agree. We are so socialised to people please, it's such bullshit.
You don't owe him anything at all, ever.

I expect your friend is passing on the suffocation she felt to you.
Yep. Pass it back. Block him.

The Friend that set this up, I don’t think they’re really a friend.

I had someone like this and when he finally got the message, when he was blocked on everything, even the random accounts in other peoples names he contacted me from, he tried to set fire to my car.

be careful

RED FLAGS! BEWARE!

I had this exact scenario with a guy "friend' who I made it extremely clear I wasn’t interested in a relationship.

He did exactly what this bloke is doing.

He thought if he put nice guy coins in, eventually I would put out.

He tried getting to my kids, buying them unsolicited treats and gifts, which I tried to refuse, but he would get upset and offended and state there was nothing in it whatsoever and I should lighten up.

Well guess what! He overstepped MASSIVELY. Kissed me without consent in a public place which in the moment would have been VERY awkward to refuse. He had no respect for my boundaries and in the end, he outed me as a "gold digger", listed all the things he had gifted me as "loans" to our mutual friends, made me out to be some sort of bunny boiler. Basically tried to ruin me.

To this day, there are people who still spread these malicious lies about me.

Get rid. He is grooming you.

And be really fucking rude about.

I agree with this too

I'm going to come clean, I worded it that my friend had arranged this "friendship" (tweaked some minor details to be less recognisable), but it was actually my bloody SISTER that set me up talking to this guy, which is just so much worse!

Advice on how to escape?

Does he know where you live? Or work?

No he doesn’t sound “lovely” at all - he sounds deranged. And the fact you are questioning yourself suggests you have a skewed idea of what is acceptable/boundaries. This is a typical result of the “women be kind” crap that girls are subjected to from a young age.

Id have told him to leave me alone and blocked him by now and also had a not so friendly word with your female friend who put him onto you. I wouldn’t even bother being nice - I’d point blank tell him he’s creeping me out and not to contact me again.

What a nutter!!

Grooming is a good way of looking at it.

I actually think this is exactly how it's going to play out, which is why I'm trying to do it as nicely as possible.
He has indeed bought things for my kids too (despite never having met them) and the narrative of his ex being evil and having rinsed him for all his money is just setting off so many alarm bells. I just know I'm going to be the bad guy.

You’ll just have to be honest , and say his ‘friendship’ has gone beyond’s normal expectations and it now feels you are being haressed and even stalked. Don’t soften the language to appease them.

You don’t sound like a cow, you sound like a mug. He’s not a friend, you started talking to him in January! It’s March, he’s barely an acquaintance. You don’t owe him anything. I wouldn’t dream of entertaining someone that I didn’t particularly want to spend time with. Your friend is stitching you up. Be frank with her, ‘Hey Jane, Peter is driving me nuts, it’s like a stalker in my life, just to give you the heads I am going to send him a message to say not to talk to me again. I know you think he’s lovely. But I don’t’.

Then send him a message. ‘Hi Peter, so far this week you have sent me XX number of messages, I’ve said I can’t meet you for a while but it’s all getting too much. I’ve always said I don’t want a relationship with anyone, and that will stand with whoever. But I haven’t got time in my life for a friendship with you either. It’s not a casual once every six week coffee, it’s relentless messages and I am uncomfortable with it. My children keep me busy as does work and general life. Please don’t text me again, I wish you all the best.

Wait a week in case he replies. Ignore the reply then BLOCK.

I’d have a stern word with your friend too. Say never give my number out again. He was bloody awful!

Look just be honest.

'Steve, my sis gave me your phone number because she thought we had shared interests but this isn't working out for me. You keep buying me things I don't want whilst telling me your ex rinsed you and it feels like an almighty set up for me to be the bad guy when I ultimately snap and tell you I'm not interested. So let this be me telling you, I don't want all the stuff you keep buying me, we are not in a relationship and I'm not interested in being in a relationship. If I was going to be in a relationship, it would be with someone who listens to me and acts on the words I say. So please do not contact me again. I'll arrange with my sis to drop all the gifts at hers and you can sort it out with her. I repeat, do not contact me again.'

It doesn’t matter if he makes you the bad guy - people who know him will have the sum of him. And because it’s your sister who “introduced” you🙄 at least she knows you well, knows the situation and hopefully won’t let him badmouth you.

And if she doesn’t stick up for you she really isn’t a good sister.

I don't feel like he's a danger to me, just an obsessive guy that thinks he can buy his way into a suffocating friendship/relationship.

He doesn't know where I live but does know where I work. But unless he's planning to travel several miles in the early hours, I don't see him turning up at my work place. He's not a physically healthy guy, I could definitely take him on if he tried anything (have taken on someone trying to steal my handbag before and won!)

If you don't want to send him a break up note, then just be busy. You have kids, it's a busy spring time, you have a million and one things to do, you have friends who you see, blah blah blah.

Oh god, I really feel for you, OP. I do hope you can communicate something very decisive to make this man leave you alone.
I HATE how we are expected to go along with unwanted attention out of 'kindness'. It means that eventually, when the man has overstepped so much and so often that we are FINALLY cornered into a firm NO, we are then accused of leading them on and letting them down - when actually they have been leading all along and exploiting our tentativeness about asserting our own perfectly reasonable boundaries. Grrr.

I also think your friend off loaded this bloke because he was doing the same to her.
This sort of thing sends my anxiety through the roof.
I used to always be a people pleaser and always got lumbered with someone because I was a nice person.
Hate it when you meet someone and they think they are your best friend and expect 24/7 attention.

If I spot red flags now I just say sorry dont rely on me I like my own space too much and I refuse to message anyone more than I would my own adult kids.

The last person I ignored messages from because it was getting too much,she actually phoned my landline....you havent answered messages or your mobile so I had to find your number.
I had to be a bit rude and say but thats my choice ,I have a lot going on right now and dont have the head space for other peoples problems...not heard from her since.

You are going to have to be rude OP ,good luck

Agree with this approach!!! And this whole message as template if you're worried about how to say it

"I actually think this is exactly how it's going to play out, which is why I'm trying to do it as nicely as possible.
He has indeed bought things for my kids too (despite never having met them) and the narrative of his ex being evil and having rinsed him for all his money is just setting off so many alarm bells. I just know I'm going to be the bad guy."

@WalkingIntoSpiderwebs Return everything - then he can't accuse you!

Look, I'm not interested in you, leave me alone. Done.
You should not feel bad/guilty/unkind. He is a nuisance with no manners.

I would really play your cards strategically here.

This whole situation is FULL of RED FLAGS! He has crossed your boundaries multiple times. There is no more being nice. I would look up the criteria's for stalking and harassment. I don't see this man leaving you alone after you tell him you are cutting this off. I would make sure you say anything and everything over text so you have documentation. I would make it a point to be very clear and tell him to not contact you anymore. Block him. If he contacts you by other means do not answer. If it continues I would go to the police with your evidence.