Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

If you come out the "bad guy" then so be it. You know you're not and all the replies here confirm that.

Send me a text along these lines,

Dear X, (sisters name) suggested we should exchange contact details as you were in need of a friend and I was happy to oblige. However, I've become increasingly uncomfortable with the level of gift giving/ messages etc between us. I have a busy life and I'm afraid this isn't something I can or want to maintain. So I'm stepping back and won't be free to meet up or messy going forward. I hope life treats you well and wish you all the best. OP.

Then block or mute whichever is best and forget about him. Repeat content of message to sister as required until she backs off.

You're not in the wrong or remotely unreasonable.

I'd give your sister a bollocking for throwing you a hospital pass, dump him firmly with no excuses
"It's not me it's you" and block. If he tries to contact you, threaten to call the police, then if he persists, actually call the police.

If your sister tries to make out like she was doing you a favour to "get you out of your shell" or somesuch bullcrap, tell her you'll be getting back in your shell and only coming out when you feel like it and only for people you feel like coming out for.

Not send me obviously, send him!!

Agree with everything that’s already been said, but also… if he had an ex who really did rinse him of all his money and used him for gifts why the fuck would he be buying extortionate amounts of presents for someone who is basically a stranger? Did he learn nothing? Sounds like a him problem! By which I mean, he was definitely the issue in that relationship.

I’d simply cut him off. You have no obligation to talk to him, you’re not responsible for his feelings. I’m sure he’d move on to another ‘victim’ shortly 🙄

Remember..as they say on here:
A woman is not an emotional support animal for a man; and
"Because I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason to not be friends with him.

Your sister?
That makes it easier.
Bin him.
Block him.
Tell her why.
She can clear up the mess she made.

No is a complete sentence.

You could also change your number? I know it's a hassle but just throwing ideas out there. Hopefully he doesn't know where you live or work.

It is worse as you'd hope your sister would have some concern for you and your kids.

I'd be very blunt and ask her what the hell she was playing at - this man has red flags all over the place you are really worried he will get nasty when you finally walk away and you have kids - you don't the extra hassle, the time sink or any more worries heaped on you.

You have tried putting him off gently and that hasn't worked. You're going to have to put your big girl pants on, stop worrying about looking like the bad guy and tell him very clearly that you are finding his behaviour suffocating and need to take a break from the friendship - this means no messages, calls or meet ups. If he complains that he has bought you lots of gifts, give them all back. I wouldn't have accepted them to be honest. If he continues trying to contact you after you've told him this, block his number. I suspect you won't get this to stop without being brutal!

@WalkingIntoSpiderwebs

OP you are not the first woman he's behaved this way to; maybe his last girlfriend wasn't the first person he's behaved this way to either.

I would email/message him along the lines of @AlisonDonut's suggestion. Maybe amend it to include the word "harassment", eg: So please do not contact me again as i will consider this harassment on your part.

He's not only way overstepped your boundaries especially but he's started buying stuff for your children too - how scary is that, from someone who sounds like he has an obsessive personality?

Save/screenshot all his message exchanges with you so you have an audit trail if needed.

Additionally I'd suggest you speak to the Police non-emergency number (101) and ask about the possibility of putting in a Clare's Law request in case they have information on him they can share with you. Google Clare's Law to get information on how that works.

Have stern words with your sister, who may well have just passed the problem of him onto you, and drop the gifts he gave you to her so he can collect from her. Don't tell her about the Clare's Law option - you don't want her to poo-poo this nor, foolishly, give him a heads up. 🌹

You should block him for your own sanity. Job done. ✔️ You don't have to meet him to please your friend.
Please yourself and block. No conversation needed! 🥰💪👑

What on EARTH was she thinking????

As it's your sister and not just a friend, tell her you're planning on finishing things with X and tell her why.

Tell her you don't appreciate her setting you up with men and it stops now. You are very happy going through life solo at the moment and if the situation changes, you will start looking yourself but she is no longer to meddle in your relationships of any sort.

Then I text X and tell him that you're no longer interested in any sort of friendship and relationship. You will be returning to him any gifts he has given you as you would feel uncomfortable keeping them. Then block his number and him on everything.

Take longer to reply to messages. Make excuses for why you can't go out and don't go. Just gradually get him out of the habit of messaging you all the time. He will stop eventually.

He sounds like he's desperately interested romantically, so yeah. Tell him you're not single.
I bet he's not so obsessed with this so called 'friendship' once he thinks he has zero chance.
I think your f friend probably muddied the waters by saying you were single etc, same crap she was saying to you about him...
If he doesn't take the hint just ignore him or block.

Can you just day or write to him - Look I am someone who needs a lot of space and time to myself. My life is already busy and quite full-on, so I am finding it hard to have quiet time on my own. You messaging and making contact so often is becoming stressful for me, its too much, so I'd like you to dial it back please. I am happy to meet up every now and then for coffee and a chat, but don't want constant messages from you. Can you cut me some slack and make the contacts less often?

Wow. It’s not often you see a vote with a 100% result (100%YANBU in this case).

Write whatever messages you send clearly - check they can’t be read in another way, wilfully or otherwise. It will help that your request and intentions are clear if you have to involve the police. You don’t want any hedging or politeness to soften the impact and clarity of your message or delay police action (if necessary) down the line. No need to offend, just clear and firm.

I think being utterly straight forward and honest is thr only way to go here.

Don't tell lies - he can just ask your sister and get the truth

Don't make excuses - he will just try and argue around them

Don't reduce contact instead of cutring it off completely - he'll just see this as a negotiation

Don’t do this ^ - aka “don’t contact me, but I don’t mind being contacted sometimes.” That exactly the kind of ambiguity you need to avoid. It leaves the door open to anyone who is choosing not to listen and respect your wishes.

Or what DerekFaker said.

Kissed you without consent?! There is NEVER a situation where it's too awkward to tell this creep to back the fuck off. So sorry this happened to you!

This. It's nice and right to be polite but when someone trashes your boundaries this much it's time to tell them to fuck off. He's not a nice guy. He's a desperate, needy twat!

As of 16:24, 415 people have voted. 100% say YANBU. I hope that gives you the support you need to end it. I hope that once he is given a firm message to stop, he will x

Blimey

he needs to be told no. End of. No chatting nothing because he won’t be told

say I’m so sorry I can’t chat anymore I’ve got stuff I’m going through. Wish you all the best

then
block.

Find something to disagree with him about, then tell him you are sorry but you really can't have someone who loves/loathes Boris Johnson/SUVs/apple tart in your life.