Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

I read this yesterday which has similarities, so the advice could be useful.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/mar/31/my-clingy-colleague-has-bought-a-house-almost-next-door?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

You need to completely cut this man out of your life, he sounds obsessed.
He has not respected your boundaries and like you said this is a valuable lesson to your own sons. Show them the right thing to do by looking out for you.
Tell him why there will no Jo more contact, then block, everywhere.
Take everything he bought you to your sister for her to return to him.
Screen shot every message so far, just in case he continues. If he does, contact the police.
You can do this!

there will be no more contact doh!

Man, I’d hit the flippin roof. We all get lonely ffs, but virtually stalking another person isn’t the answer. I’ve seen this before. People need to have a bit of pride and self-respect. There is something so undignified about constantly needing the attention and affection of others. I’ve had neighbours like this. The stupid little twerp who lived next to me growing up just wouldn’t leave us alone. Every time my poor dad went into the garden his stupid little face would pop up over the fence. He used to leave his window open so he could hear us, and the minute he did, he was out there. To make it worse, he was one of those awful people who think they’re funny when they’re not. He also thought he was a ‘character,’ when in fact he was something else beginning with a c.

Another thing I can’t bear is people who crawl around the alphas - you know, the macho, good-looking guys, the gorgeous, cool women. It’s fine to admire people like that, but the constant need to win their attention and approval makes my skin crawl.

Neediness is so unattractive. That’s probably why his ex dumped him. Nothing is cooler or sexier than confident, self-contained people who need no one. Think of the coolest characters in the movies. Clint Eastwood in the spaghetti westerns, for example. He’s cool because he rides into town alone and rides out alone. It’s funny, but the the harder you try to get people to like you, the less they like you. I always remember a friend telling me that when she was a teen, her mum made her brother take her sister with him to the pub. Her sister looked up to his mates and tried super hard to impress them. Result? They all thought she was irritating and told her brother not to bring her again. When my friend got older, and her mum made her brother take her, she couldn’t stand his friends and made no effort at all. Result? Her brother said “my mates all think you’re cool.”!!

I'd be furious at my sister - she's clearly set you up to get him off her back.

It sounds highly likely he is on the spectrum and probably not reading social cues. I would make it very clear the boundaries of this friendship ( IF you want to continue it) no gifts full stop, eg can meet once a month and please so not seen lots of messages - you don't have time to reply etc.

It doesn't sound like you are getting anything out of this friendship though and doing it to be kind. He may be misreading social cues ( like his 'ex' before) and in this case - clear is kind. I'd tie up the whole thing and not contact him again after a clear conversation about why. I'd also look at why you felt you should help him - is this a typical behaviour for you people pleasing?

Both my DH and mum struggle with setting boundaries and DH has a neighbour who is autistic phoning and texting him lots and DH cannot seem to put a boundary in. My mum has a friend who used to ring her for over an hour every night( I also suspect the friend is autistic) and basically monologue at her. My mum dreaded the phone calls and would pretend she was out or didn't hear the phone rather than be clear with her friend that it was too much every night.

I don't like conflict, but it's insane to spend 7 hours a week listening doing something you dislike to spare someone's feelings.

Yes, I agree. The OP keeps describing him as ‘nice,’ but is he? Frankly he sounds pathetic and wet. Then again, the niceness may be part of the act. I never trust people who are too nice. Polite, pleasant, kind, etc, is fine, but a gushing, over the top eagerness to please is revolting. I’m always suspicious that such people are hiding something. I never trust people with no vices either. X doesn’t drink, doesn’t gamble, doesn’t swear, never moans about his job…and then it turns out he’s the one with the bodies under the floorboards!!

It’s the same with paedophiles. My brother moved onto a new estate a few years ago. My SIL said that a day or so after they moved in a neighbour in his late 50s knocked on their door and welcomed them to the area. She invited him in for a coffee, but something about him set alarm bells ringing. He was just too nice, and seemed to try too hard. She said he made her skin crawl. A few days later she bumped into him again with her 12-year-old daughter. She said the way he looked at my niece set off an explosion in her head. She later found out that he was on the sex offender’s register.

I would do exactly that but slightly concerned he will continue anyway. The mutual friend is not seeing the picture and needs the same in writing . I think a strong case and desist letter to both is in order pointing out how inappropriate the behaviour is and how much he is badly affecting your mental health . It's not nice behaviour and he is not nice.

There's the problem as set out in your first two paragraphs.

Put together those two thoughts: you are happy to message anyone; you have no idea what they are like.

He's a nut case.

Wow. I can’t believe he’s allowed to get away with that. Isn’t there a risk of things escalating? What if it ends in an assault? That’s genuinely quite shocked me.

Only read your OP not the responses. Just think “ take a step back, play it cool.” Tell him you are playing it cool and it would be nice if he could too. Then you might get a chance to see the real man. He sounds nice. Maybe a bit over keen. But he may be a real find. Your friend who introduced you seems to think so.
give this a chance

OP, it seems like youve not been clear and direct yet. Im not sure if he really understands what your boundaries are - because youve been nice and gentle he's not listening to you, either deliberately or because he's lacking the understanding of the more subtle social cues?

"Look, I just dont want an intense friendship with several messages a day and meeting up weekly. I don't want to spend so much time with you or messaging you, and I am not interested in a romantic relationship. I'm not comfortable accepting gifts from you, I dont want you to be giving me, or my family, any gifts anymore. You're a nice guy, but this is about my boundaries. We could still chat via messenger once or twice a month, but that would be it".

stop encouraging him.
you have been giving mixed messages.
just end it now.
who cares if you seem horrible.
good. that's what you want.
go away, i'm horrible.
look after yourself and stop this excessive, self-sabotaging politeness.
bad example for your children.

you sound rather naive, and dangerously under-estimating what a problem this guy is.
you should never have accepted any gifts.
you have to clearly, bluntly, in as few words as possible, by text or email for documented evidence, tell him to leave you alone.
not to contact you further or you will inform police.
honestly OP, you sound like a schoolgirl.
need to wise up.

You sound like a nice person who doesn’t (perhaps misguidedly) doesn’t want to offend this guy. However, I do think you need to kick him into touch so could you view it as doing him a favour ie pointing out where he is going wrong with his relationships? I think I would message him;
”Hey Greg. I think I haven’t been very clear up until now but the constant contact and the gift giving is making me feel really uncomfortable. My sister told me that you haven’t been all that successful on the romantic front and I honestly think this might be the cause. The gifts and the constant contact are quite overwhelming and off-putting! Just something to think about. Anyway, I am going to step back now as, what with work, family and home, my time is not my own - I hope you understand. I will return your gifts as I would hate you to feel that I have taken advantage in any way but I do feel that they were perhaps given in the hopes of something more than I can offer you. All the very best, Walking.

And then block the guy. And bollock your sister - I think she knew damn well what he was like!!

Block him! He doesn’t seem the type to take the hint!

Your friend put you in htis positiontrying to make you both happy but it has seriously backfired. Now, she has to decide what'sthe most important è your mental health or his lonely-hearts mentality. You have to get him out of your hair - you don't need or want him even as a friend. Never respond to his texts or he'll never stop. Good luck !

Your friend has a lot to answer for putting this guy onto you.
One final msg and block.

She's no friend, I can't understand why she would send this weirdo your way. Tell him you don't want to message so much or have the mental space for such a new, full on friendship. Then just stop replying. Mute his chat and block after a week or so. Message your friend to let her know you've had an exhausting experience that's turned borderline creepy and weird and that you aren't interested in ever being matched up with one of her mates again.

@WalkingIntoSpiderwebs

How is it all going?