Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

Crazy, you agreed to message a man you didn't know, are you surprised this has happened.

Set your boundaries and say a firm no.
He was not your problem to take on board in the first place.

You say awkward to refuse? Can I ask why?

regardless of any place I was in I’d someone kissed me I’d scream and shout!

This guys a stalker who isnt interested in your feelings or boundaries

As a mother you need to put your time and energy onto your children not any shit like this.

Tell him once very firmly you are not interested in seeing him ir messaging anymore as you are too busy

If it continues say you are feeling harassed and will go to police if it continues

It seen nice meeting you but I have too much going on to manage new people in my life. I'm sorry but I really need to withdraw contact. I wish you all the best .. but will not be responding to texts or messges going forward so please do delete my number.
Could you do sownthing like that and stick to it and block him?
It sounds overbearing and like your "friend" was getting rid of a problem.

Cut all contact

I didn't know him personally but my Sister did and told me he was a nice guy and we had shared interests. It's not like he was a stranger on a train or the internet with nobody to vouch for him. This is someone she sees in person regularly.
Maybe because she's not single he's never shown this obsessive, creepy side to her. Whatever the reason, yes I'm surprised he's like this!

Would you think it was just as crazy to talk to a stranger if it had been a female? Aren't we all just chatting with strangers we've never met on the internet? At what point do you think it's safe to meet someone? For me it's when someone I know knows them personally and has vouched for them being a decent human!

Honestly Op.

big girl pants. Use one of the messages on here and get it sent. Then you can get on with your life.

Tell your sister you'll be dropping allllll the gifts with her to return to him.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. The 100% vote for IANBU is an eye opener for sure! I honestly thought some people would think he's harmless and I'm being massively ungrateful.
I'll plan out a message telling him he's too full on and it needs to stop.

Been there op and unfortunately being nice about it doesn't work. Just say it's not working for you and you think it's best to step back and stop contact. You don't need to elaborate.

Then block, give back the gifts and give your sister a bollocking.

Do you have any idea how rare a 100% you are not being unreasonable is? That says everything.

Your sister is NOT a nice person

Message him and tell him that you no longer want to be friends and you no longer want ANY contact with him. Tell him that he and you are incompatible as friends

Then block him on every platform

If he finds a way to contact you, tell him that he is harassing you and if he doesn't stop you will call the Police

If he continues harassing you, call the Police

It's the only way

And avoid your sister like the plague

I know! I've actually pointed this out to my teenagers (boys who think this guy must be awesome because he buys cool stuff 🙄) and it has opened up lines of communication of how not to be a creep in a relationship. Every cloud...

I wouldn't even say he's too full on because he will then start saying yeah, yeah, he'll be less full on.
You need to say it's not working for you. Something like this is really clear too:
It seen nice meeting you but I have too much going on to manage new people in my life. I'm sorry but I really need to withdraw contact. I wish you all the best .. but will not be responding to texts or messges going forward so please do delete my number which @Toohardtofindaproperusername suggested.

If it's not absolutely clear or if you use excuses he'll find ways round it. So the above is good because it's clear, does give a reason (rather than just saying fuck off), and then makes it doubly clear that you won't be responding.

Once you've sent him the message block him.

It's unlikely that he will escalate it further after that. If he does it moves into stalking territory - you can deal with that if it arises.

I wonder if he was annoying your sister and so she thought she'd palm him off on you....

Well you're not being unreasonable.
But, it does sound like autism to me because, sad to say, I can see aspects of me in that 😞I don't try and buy people's friendship etc. - I'm just trying too hard to be nice and I get it badly wrong. I've done it to family as well as friends, all my life. I just don't know what is reasonable and get carried away. And no-one says 'whoah, too much' so I've never realised at the time. (Now I don't have anyone to buy stuff for so that's okay!!) It's very much all or nothing. I try and be a decent person but I've never had a good example to follow so I'm picking up something up socially and then doing it too much.
So I can see him thinking that buying you gifts is a 'good' thing to do (because friends buy each other gifts) only he's going all in like I've done and the end result is that you're overwhelmed (and then some). Ideally you'd explain that to him gently and clearly so he can actually learn it, but obviously that's not your responsibility (before anyone jumps in). But if you could do him an email setting it out then you could be doing him a favour while at the same time setting strict boundaries or walking away completely - however you handle it though you need to be clear. Really spell it out - don't say 'I'd prefer less contact' say 'I only want x messages a week' or 'I don't want to hear from you again'...

Jist tell him,
'I've tried polite requests as to what I need in a friendship but you've disregarded every single one. For that reason I'm dispensing with subtlety in the interests of clarity.
I don't want gifts, never did, you pushing them on me doesn't change that.
I am not interested in keeping up contact with you from this point for the aforementioned reasons. This is not up for discussion. Bye'

That sounds very stressful - especially as you have not given any indication of wanting such a relationship. I think you either (1) block him and ignore anything to do with him, be very firm with your friend as well (2) respond to him and say something "I appreciate that you have may have been given the impression that I'm looking for a relationship but it's not the case. I really feel I don't want to encourage you any further so would appreciate some space". Then block him. Don't engage via any other means either. Honestly, if you friend falls out with you about this then I think it's for the best! She sounds a nightmare setting you up like that.

539 votes and still 100% YANBU. Not a single vote in his favour.

OP, the more you 'JADE' (justify, argue, defend explain) the more he will use those things as handholds/levers etc to draw you back in, make you feel guilty.
When you JADE, you are kowtowing, telling the other person that you have to justify & explain yourself to them, ie acting like a subordinate.
The more powerful position is a blunt, 'this isnt working for me'.

I agree with @Newestname002, mention of harassment in your message is important as are the screen shots of the history of your conversations and his responses from now on. I’d keep a journal about the times or manner of any contact from him after you send a clearly worded message. Hopefully it will be a waste of time but if he does become difficult then the more precision you have citing dates etc, the better.

Your sister needs to be told to back off and not share any information about you, she needs to grey rock him if the subject of you comes up and ideally she should be telling him what she thinks of his inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour. I’d also put money on this not being his first offence.

This. Your friend is not such a nice friend at all.

Agreed. I thought the same from reading this paragraph of the OP:

'A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".'

She offloaded her friend onto you OP, because she'd had enough of him. Don't worry about looking like the bad guy. You're getting that feeling from her because she doesn't want his focus back on her. Do whatever you have to do (legally) to get rid of him - give him back, pass him on, emigrate...

It wasn't her friend, it was her sister!
Maybe she was genuinely shipping them/wanted her sister to be happy.
Mistake on her part though.

Only read OP so far.

I think your friend is out of order. She doesn't want you to stop talking to him as she will have to cope with the fall out.

I would send one text. I have enjoyed talking to you but you want more attention from me than I have time to give. I appreciate the gifts but ask that you stop buying them for me. I would like to be friends but I feel you won't be happy with what I can give so think it is best we leave contact now.

Then see how what he comes back with. If mature and reflective then do what you want. If anything but reasonable, block.

He has indeed bought things for my kids too (despite never having met them)

WTF??!

You need to protect your kids from these kind of creeps. He's like a stalker.

Put your big girl pants on and tell him to fuck off.

Did your sister give him your number without asking you? Tell her to fuck off too and NEVER DO THAT AGAIN WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION!

You're friend has not just thrown you under the bus, she's full on rolled you under it like a bowling ball! She's a gem isn't she?!

I would bet one of my kids, that her conversation to him by way of introducing you, was definitely a romantic suggestion.

Tell him once more that enough is enough and if he continues to harass you, you will have no option but to block him from contacting you by all means possible.

I would also be telling your friend, that if she pulls something like that again, it will be friendship over.