Unwanted "friend"

[WalkingIntoSpiderwebs]

Just a heads up, this will be long and make me sound like a complete cow, but TLDR version, how do you remove someone from your life without causing upset to both them and others?

A few months back, my friend and I were chatting and she was talking about a male friend of hers who was having a rough time (used and dumped etc).
She then had this bright idea that because the male friend and I shared the same hobbies and interests, I should be his friend to cheer him up "and maybe it might turn into more".

At this point I will mention that I am very happily single, have no intention of dating for a long time (if ever) and I have social anxiety so honestly, I prefer my own company! I have 3 children who use up every ounce of my "peopling" quota.

I was very open, told her all of the above, that I am NOT interested in a relationship but if he understands that then fine, we can message a bit so he's not lonely.

Well, that was a massive mistake. The guy has been messaging me morning, noon and night ever since.
Not replying until I'm ready to chat doesn't work, he just keeps sending more and more messages about what he's doing, what he's watching, what he's eating... It's constant.
Not only this but he wants to meet up for coffee or hobbies every single week. I don't see anyone (family, best friend etc) as often as once a week, I really really don't want to and it is massively stressing me out.

I mentioned to my friend that he's a bit full on "oh but he's lovely though isn't he??". Mentioned I thought he seemed a bit too keen "well that's cynical, men and women CAN just be friends". I'm well aware they CAN just be friends, but this isn't friends, it feels borderline obsessive on his part.

Another issue, and the one that will make me sound like an ungrateful cow, is that he keeps buying me things! He bought me a Christmas present when we hadn't even known eachother at Christmas?! We didn't start talking until January! Then in February was my birthday, he spent loads! There's a new gift of some sort every single week without fail.
If I say I can't meet up until after payday, he offers to pay.
It all sounds so sweet doesn't it? But it's not!
He's not buying me gifts, he's buying me obligations. Obligations to talk to him, obligations to meet up etc.
The narrative was that his ex used him for gifts and then left, but honestly I think he just kept throwing gifts at her and felt used when she'd had enough.

I've asked him not to buy me things, told him I prefer to pay my own way. The most recent was that I told him I liked something he'd made (you know, just a compliment because it was genuinely good), within 3 days he'd made me one too. Again, makes him sound lovely but it's just too much.

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do about it. YES, he's a nice person but it's so full on and I'm not coping.
The reactions from my friend so far have made it clear that I'm going to be the bad guy if I don't keep talking to him. I don't have a clue how to dial this way waaaayyyy back without upsetting him either.

I have gently told him variations of "can we leave it til next week, I've had no time to myself and I'm exhausted" etc. I work night shifts so I truly am exhausted a lot, physically and mentally.

Any help? Please??

YABU - you should embrace the friendship, stop being a cow, he's nice but lonely

YANBU - this sounds suffocating (and any advice how to escape please)

Sorry it was so long!

This all the day long.

How very OTT. I'd be quite simply blocking! Don't reply to another single message. He will get the hint eventually. And don't discuss him any further with your friend.

You need to be very blunt with this desperado and tell him that his attentions are completely over the top and and the harassment has to stop.

Then block him anyway.

If your friend who introduced you makes a fuss, bin her too.

Bit difficult to bin your sister....

At least read the OP's posts so you know what's happening.

To be fair it's my fault for changing a few details in my original post to be more vague lol

Your 'friend' is the problem here, OP. I bet she let him think there's a good chance of this 'turning into more', which is clearly her wish and not yours. So I'd say you need to have this out with her since she's been so interfering.

I think you need to spell it out really clearly to both him & Dsis that what he is doing has a name. If you have to, send him a link or a book about love bombing and tell him you're trying to help him see how his behaviour can be alienating to the women he pursues. He clearly doesn't understand that his behaviour is smothering and off putting.

You need to make sure Dsis is on side and prepared to have your back when he flips this on you.

You went into this stating clearly that you don't want a relationship. You did everything right. Don't let him play you.

You do need to send him the gifts back, IMO.

@WalkingIntoSpiderwebs

I'd use the same generic message as I recommend for a break up, replacing 'relationship' with 'friendship'......

"I've been thinking for a bit and this friendship really isn't working for me and so I am calling 'time' on it. I wish you the best in life always, but must request that you do not contact me going forward".

You could always add "if there is anything that you have given that you wish to be returned, please let my sister know and I will make arrangements with her".

Short, casting no 'blame', but very clear.

Tell him that your mutual friend has told you to back off now because shes decided she wants him for herself and you respect that, then block him and tell her she deserves it and not to set you up again.

I wouldn't be worried about upsetting him or her, if she tries to take his side just show her all the messages. But if you don't feel able to set boundaries just mute him so you don't immediately see his messages and reply occasionally saying 'sorry crazy busy, not around this week' and reduce over a few weeks.

If i thought he genuinely was clueless as to what his behaviour actually means... I might say (before blocking him!)...

Dear X,

I feel forced to spell this out to you so bluntly, but here goes:

• When you constantly give gifts for no reason, this isn't 'nice', this is building an expectation or obligation, that the receiver will continue to interact with you/owe you/be nice back. It equates to pressure.
• When you do not listen to things you do not wish to hear, such as 'I do not have time/I am busy/No thankyou'... it puts pressure on the other person.

You have done both to me repeatedly and I am left with no other option than to block you and end our friendship, immediately, and completely. Further attempts to contact me will be regarded as harassment and I may take legal action.'

If I thought he actually did have a clue what he was doing, I'd just message the last sentence and block.

Nah, get him binned,
Theres a guy at my work like this. He is on the spectrum so has no concept of social boundaries.
For the last 2/3 years he's messaged myself and my friend (both married) almost obsessively. Some have been inappropriate, the number of messages were annoying. We tried being kind, we tried bbeing rude. now I totally ignore him. my colleague does mostly too.
Recently he's become unhealthily obsessed with a young lady who started with us. Buying her gifts, messaging her 5/6 times an evening, asking her out and generally making her feel uncomfortable. She won't say anything to him though and won't let boss speak to him.
Its going to end in tears. I get he's not aware but he's desperate. ITs too intense.
But being kind and nice and not saying NO to him isnt working.
He worries me as his intensity is overwhelming, suffocating.
Send your stalker a strongly worded message and block. Thats the only thing that worked for me.

Can you give all gifts back so when you cut him off he can’t run the gold digger line?

I think the gifts are a huge problem.
Likely he's keeping score and in his mind you owe him, that's why he feels entitled to bulldoze through any boundaries you try to put up OP.
With this sort of behaviour it's a bit like an ambush, normal polite people who dont behave like this are on the back foot and dont have a defense for aggressive over friendliness. Before you know it you have unwittingly condoned his behaviour and become complicit. You feel unable to say no because you are aware that all the times you acquiesced will be interpreted as a big 'YES PLEASE'

The longer you leave it the harder it is to put a stop to it.

Is his "ex" definitely his ex? Or just the last woman he did this to?

Stuff of nightmares.

Get a fake boyfriend as soon as.

This guy does not heed boundaries. It doesn't matter how clear and specific and detailed and reasonable you make them. He's shown you he doesn't give a shit about your boundaries, or wellbeing.

I would also suggest you may be wrong in thinking he poses no danger to you.
Another reason why a marvellous "new boyfriend" should appear in your life, or reappear, if you can think of an old boyfriend to fake return in your life.

This sort of man will only be dissuaded by the presence of another man. Your wishes don't count here.

Some excellent advice on this thread.

I actually really like @WWiddlinDiddlin message.
You could absolutely send that, spell it out for him, he knows what he's doing and you should make it clear that you also know what he's doing, I'd also add that he can arrange with your Dsis to collect the gifts he's bought you from her.
Don't feel like you're being mean, he's playing on your niceness.
Time to get tough then block him.
Btw I love that that you won against someone trying to snatch your bag, you go girl!

Could you just cut him off every time he starts texting like"

Thanks! Really tired. Will text another time.

I'm good thanks. Busy this weekend so will speak another time (if you can't simply not reply without not sure why you can't just ignore all the messages)

If he continues could you just be honest and tell him you hadn't really intended on an intense friendship.

Saying that, all the messages reminds me of something I did with a woman I met at the gym. Nothing romantic, we just became friends, but I could get worked up when hormonal (severe PMDD) and would send a lot of texts. Not about her but say I'd had an argument with boyfriend I'd send messages almost like I needed to rant and get it out of my system. I didn't know her well and she backed away. I've learned not to do this now. Also fairly sure I'm autistic.

Stop being so nice. BLOCK HIM.

No long-winded letters explaining how you feel. He won't read them and frankly doesn't care.

You will feel like a weight has been lifted once you've blocked him.

You owe this man nothing.

Had a very similar experience. Even though you spell it out plainly he's just not interested in facts. He's in a fantasy that makes him feel okay and doesn't or is unable to see it's overwhelming for the recipient

People may think he's a Lovely bloke, but as you say, it's exhausting and he's. overstepping all your boundaries.

Don't put this needy energy sucker before yourself. You will end up truly despising him while feeling like a bastard. It's THE PRESENTS - I like gifts but NOT a conveyor belt of them from a person I barely know. It's awkward and weird. He's got some issues I would say. Not listening being No 1.
Good luck & Get Rid pdq.

His name isn't Gary, is it? 😅The offering to buy anything you look at for more than 3 seconds is exactly what he'd do. In the end I had to be soooo 'direct' as I couldn't stand it -or him.

No contact whatsoever is the only way. 99% on Mumsnet can't be wrong.

Agree. 100%. Let your sister do the explaining. You've tried the nice hints but he's not listening to you.

Go out with him and call it a date, then say sorry I’m not feeling it and it’s too awkward to be friends with you now 😂

Or just start ignoring him and he’ll get the message