Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

What did she say?

and yes if she was racist then I’d go no contact.

I'm sorry they have put you in this situation, how horrible for you. Stay strong xx

Did she apologise properly? Doesn’t sound like it….

I wouldn't fall out with her over a racist comment that she didn't mean.

I would fall out with her for not listening to you, accepting that what she said was racist, or apologising though.

What did she say? It is relevant

What did she say and what does fiancé say about it to her?

She won't apologise or amend her behaviour...ynbu

I think I'd need too know what she said. Whether it was dated and/or due to lack of knowledge, or actively a put down/nasty.

I'm not saying that either is acceptable, but one is more deserving of going nc than the other.

Yanbu-, there's no excuse for his family throwing racist comments around and expect you to say nothing

There's a huge piece of missing information here.

There is no information missing, the MIL has made comments (plural) of a racist nature that have made the OP uncomfortable. As have other family members. The OP has spoken to them about it, and has not had a constructive or helpful response.

That is all the information we need

Speak for yourself. Please don’t behave like mumsnet staff deciding what others need, it is not ok. I also feel I wish to know what was said. I don’t need your permission or authorisation.

Why does it matter what she said? The comments were bad enough to put the OP on edge. OP explained the comments made her feel that way. Rather than apologising, MIL is accusing OP of being sensitive.

YANBU OP.

It's hard to say really because we don't understand the intent or what she said or how she meant it. Some, especially older people can have very entrenched views rooted in racism that they have never had challenged.

It's best to keep some on some kind of nice terms with your DH to be's family for the sake of the children and for your relationship with DH. I am low contact with my inlaws. I am very busy, often work weekends so I may only see them once a year but I send gifts, birthday messages and well wishes from afar. My DH visits with the DC. It keeps the peace and everyone is happy. They are just annoying and inappropriate not abusive. Obviously it wouldn't be an option if she was very abusive towards you.

Pointless post without knowing what has been said.

Can someone please explain why they feel it matters what was said?

It’s not the actual comment that matters. It’s the fact that OP said it bothered her and now MIL and family are calling her too sensitive.

Or maybe MNers are better placed than the OP to decide on what’s racist

I'm not deciding what is racist. If a comment is racist, it's racist. But just like any other area of 'ism' there are different levels. What's been said might be out of ignorance or quite spiteful. I'm not about to tell anyone to go non contact without knowing that the other party deserves it.

And yes, their refusal to accept that what they said is racist is a problem. I'm not defending that. But it may indicate that it's closer to ignorance than malice.

I'm not trying to brush aside how hurtful it is for you @lewiyy . But you probably need to decide whether it's the type of racism that deserves nc, or your own feelings. I'm just unable to advise you without knowing whether these people are shamelessly awful or somewhat ignorant.

@lewiyy MIL says she didn't mean it in a mean way. What do you think the intention was? Without repeating the comment, did it come with malicious intent on her part or was it a case of her using words that have negative connotations but that she didn't necessarily understand?

Words have power, but not everyone using the words always understands the power they wield.

It's not our job to educate random people about racism, but you're thinking of marrying into this family. I'd give it a go before giving up. Mainly because in your shoes, if I gave up on the family, I'd probably end up giving up on DP.

You haven't mentioned how your partner reacted.

He should be protective of you, and protective of your children (either they're his, or he's looking to step up and becoming a stepfather).

Was he?

MIL is almost a red herring here. Does your partner see the situation the same way you do, and is he siding with you?

If he's not siding with you, either he's not marriage material, or you did overreact.

If he is siding with you, you're not wrong to step away from his mother. It takes a lot to get a child to call their parent out.

YANBU especially if you’re concerned it’s going to impact your children. It’s a bit different because it wasn’t his mother but DP has an aunt and a family friend that I will not tolerate. I just explained that when it comes to racism, I’m not at all concerned with anybody else’s perspective. I am concerned with mine and nobody is going to compel me to expose myself or my loved ones to a hurtful person.

I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

You say this as if you have no choice. You're not forced to put up with anything if you don't want that.

YABU for completely refusing to actually quote what was actually said. No real judgement can be made without that.

Need to know exactly what was said and in what context to be able to give an opinion.

I’m in a similar situation. I used to think I had become sensitive about racism with age but realised it’s not me- it’s the difficulty of having a mixed race family if one side is kind of racist.

When I was younger we lived as the only black family in a white area, experienced horrific racism and would come home and laugh as a family about our racist experiences that day. We were all black so we all were in the same position.

i realised that why I’m sensitive now about the racism from my in laws is that my kids and I don’t have that safe place to separate ourselves from casual racism from people outside the home and family, because the racism takes place within what should be our circle of trust. It makes me very angry and upset not to be able to experience racism, laugh about it and make sure I never see that racist again. I’m on edge every time they visit or we go round. I’m conscious as the kids get older they are picking up on the nuances of what’s being said.

I’ve had many an emotional conversation with my husband about it who says the right words but continues to inflict his family on me and the kids because apparently they are old and don’t mean it.

Sorry that’s not any advice - just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel and how hurtful it can be.

Out of sheer nosiness I get why people want to know what was said by the OP’s MIL. But actually that isn’t needed to make a judgement here, the MIL was clearly unreasonable. She was racist (not for the first time) and when OP made it clear she didn’t like it, was uncomfortable, the MIL doubled down and insists she’s being over sensitive instead of apologising.

YANBU at all OP.

YANBU. You don’t have to have contact with people who are racist just because they’re family. They will know what they’re doing and haven’t cared enough about you to stop and even pretend in front of you. You’re not being too sensitive or dramatic, that’s just their way of minimising what they’ve said and deflecting.

I wouldn’t elaborate here on the comments. That will just encourage the racist apologists to talk shit and minimise.