Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Falling out with MIL over racist comment

186 replies

lewiyy · 29/03/2024 22:13

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/03/2024 10:07

MCOut · 30/03/2024 08:34

@saraclara there are definitely different degrees of severity but OP is going to be better placed than most of the people on here, to determine where on the scales this falls and what the appropriate response is.

For a lot of people on here anything short of physical violence is not racism. They will come from it from an intention rather than impact point of view and because they won’t face racism but might be called racist they may feel that OP calling out racism is the more grievous behaviour.

The only opinions that really matter are hers and her DP’s. While he doesn’t have to go NC with his family, he should be supportive of whatever rules, OP lays down about herself and their children and really, he should be the one to go and deal with it. If he’s not doing those things, then he’s not the partner for her.

You're right. Thank you.

I'm projecting a bit because my wonderful late MIL (who with my FIL took a Ghanaian women and her child, who they barely knew, into their home for six months when she fled DV) would, in old age, occasionally come out with comments that were not meant negatively in any way, but which have dated badly and would be seen as racist. And when we gently said that she shouldn't really say that now, she was bewildered. It's hard for me to consider her racist, of course.

But yes, this family are not my MIL and FIL.

CurlewKate · 30/03/2024 10:09

Her age is only remotely relevant if she's over about 120.....

Hmindr68 · 30/03/2024 11:14

YABU to not include what your DH thinks/has done about it

YABY to post on AIBU without the comment.

Chat or Relationships boards are that way >>>>

kαλοκαλοκαιρι · 30/03/2024 11:19

hazelnutfriday · 29/03/2024 22:48

There is no information missing, the MIL has made comments (plural) of a racist nature that have made the OP uncomfortable. As have other family members. The OP has spoken to them about it, and has not had a constructive or helpful response.

That is all the information we need

Show quote history

thank you for this! i’m extremely uncomfortable with how many people believe that they need to hear the comment before they can judge whether the OP is being unreasonable or not.

Someone from a marginalised community who has experienced racism should not have to re perform the racism in order to be validated or believed and even if this wasn't the explicit intention of those asking, this is the effect/implication of doing so. At best its not nice for them to have to recount and at worst they have to sit through a load of people telling them that their experience wasn’t actually their experience.

MorrisZapp · 30/03/2024 11:29

Why oh why do people post threads about their in laws without mentioning their DP's behaviour? Without him there's no connection to these people. So what's his take? Is he backing you up? You don't have to see anyone you don't want to, the question is how he feels about it.

FictionalCharacter · 30/03/2024 11:54

Yanbu. Honestly it’s like being back in the 60s and 70s when people got away with the most horrendous racist comments by saying “I didn’t mean any harm” or “it’s just a joke”. Some of them probably didn’t mean harm at all, but they weren’t willing to admit they were doing harm by saying insensitive things they have been asked not to say. That excuse doesn’t wash any more.

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/03/2024 12:06

missmollygreen · 30/03/2024 09:36

It is not irrelevant. Someone on their 90's will have been brought up in a totally different way to someone in their 50's regarding racism.
Im not saying it is right. But it needs to be considered.

Show quote history

Not necessarily true but this thread is about racism. I won't derail it to include your ageism except to say I'm in my late 60s, my parents would be 99 now and brought me up not to be racist. Anyone that age who was brought up to be racist has had plenty of time to see that times have changed. If she said something racist it's still racist however old she is.

NeedAnUpgrade · 30/03/2024 12:12

YANBU and it doesn’t matter if anyone here judges it to be racist or not. The normal reaction from people when they realise that they’ve made another person uncomfortable, especially when it’s unintentional, is to apologise. The fact that she then doubled down and tried to make you the problem tells you everything you need to know.
I hope your DP is supporting you in this.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/03/2024 15:00

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 29/03/2024 22:15

I wouldn't fall out with her over a racist comment that she didn't mean.

I would fall out with her for not listening to you, accepting that what she said was racist, or apologising though.

This!

CurlewKate · 30/03/2024 17:41

"It is not irrelevant. Someone on their 90's will have been brought up in a totally different way to someone in their 50's regarding racism."
Possibly. But people in their 90s have been exposed to new knowledge and social change. No reason at all to maintain outdated attitudes or to be forgiven for doing so.

StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 18:06

toastandtwo · 29/03/2024 23:07

Can someone please explain why they feel it matters what was said?

It’s not the actual comment that matters. It’s the fact that OP said it bothered her and now MIL and family are calling her too sensitive.

Or maybe MNers are better placed than the OP to decide on what’s racist Hmm

Language changes over time and there may have been a generational miscommunication rather than an intent to insult the OP. I’m not defending the MIL or attempting to minimise the impact on the OP, but it would help get a better idea of what went on.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/03/2024 18:10

I'd say if it was an ignorant, throwaway comment, and they acknowledged it was not acceptable then you should try and move on. But the fact they seem like they don't know or realise why you'd be offended makes it worse.
Do you think they have some racist views but their minds and opinions could be changed? If they are horribly racist and likely to stay that way then I wouldn't want to speak to them any more than strictly necessary, if at all.

StormingNorman · 30/03/2024 18:11

Meadowfinch · 30/03/2024 07:49

I think what was said is very relevant.

I was once accused of racism for saying someone was 'taking the mickey'.

Firstly I was completely unaware that phrase could be offensive, secondly there was no malice intended.

Have you talked to her, explained why it is racist and why it is hurtful? You are planning to marry into this family so you have a find a way to deal with it that both you & your partner are happy with.

Ideally she will stop but may not. How will you cope when your children want to see their gran?

I had no idea until now that phrase had racist origins.

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 30/03/2024 18:33

Me neither. I have heard many examples in recent years and have often been surprised. This is a phrase I use a lot! I'm not sure who it is deemed racist against? If OP is marrying this man she needs to get on with MIL so explain why it was offensive and move on. Falling out with someone over something that was a miscommunication seems very short sighted.

CurlewKate · 30/03/2024 18:43

"Taking the mickey" has a potentially xenophobic anti Irish meaning. Not racist. The meaning is unsure- it could also be a joky way of saying "taking the piss"-piss=micturition.

I always assumed that calling this out a racism was an urban legend, however.

toomuchfaff · 30/03/2024 18:53

the key really important bit here is does your partner support you or are they saying you're taking it the wrong way??

If DP is onside then you're in a very different position than if they are taking MIL side...

that'd be what makes my decision what to do.

BCBird · 30/03/2024 19:03

I'm mixed race. My mom was white. I had to pull her up for pseudo racist comments once or twice. When I called her out she was perplexed . I think people do say things that would not hsve been seen as racist 20yrs aho(even though they were,) but are now. Did ur fiance not say anything?

Abroadmum · 30/03/2024 20:22

I don't think what was said is important or not... who are we to judge what's racist or not? if OP is non white and offended by this comment then YANBU even if some mums-netters don't think it's a big deal. Them making you feel like you're being dramatic and over sensitive is another massive red flag as it means they're not willing to acknowledge or learn from their past mistakes in behaviour despite the hurt & trauma that can cause you.

Smellyshelli · 30/03/2024 20:41

I don’t think the attitude that “if someone perceives a comment as racist, it objectively is” actually stands up. Mumsnet is full of people telling Jews that stuff they think is anti-Semitic actually isn’t. Likewise, what is a microagression to one person may be unnoticeable to another.

Regardless, I think you’re in a tricky spot OP. It’s a big deal to completely cut out your DPs family, especially if they’re close. My course of action would depend on whether they were good people with some bad in them (like all of us) and whether the huge disadvantages of cutting them off were worth it. Real life is never black and white.

For what it’s worth I have experienced similar and took the view that I basically liked my DPs family, and accepted that they had some bad ideas that I could mostly ignore. For me what is most important is not what people say but what they do.

Yazo · 30/03/2024 23:06

YANBU I'm sorry to hear it, I'd expect your other half to be doing a lot of this for/with you too. I'm mixed race and you have to go back 100 years for the last racist family member anyone put up with and even then they apologised and sorted themselves out (according to my grandma) age and all the rest of it is no excuse. It's not normal to hear racist language in your family, even if you have hundreds of family members and it annoys me when people normalise it. Racism is so damaging and people should take more responsibility.

Jadebanditchillipepper · 30/03/2024 23:24

The exact comment doesn't matter a jot. If the OP felt it was racist, then it was racist - The only person qualified to decide if a comment is racist or not is the person that the comment was directed at.

The MILs reaction says it all - she went on the defensive and said that OP was being oversensitive - the Only reasonable response to being told you have been racist is to apologise

Meadowfinch · 31/03/2024 00:26

@Jadebanditchillipepper ' The exact comment doesn't matter a jot. If the OP felt it was racist, then it was racist - The only person qualified to decide if a comment is racist or not is the person that the comment was directed at.'

But surely that risks one party having no idea why the other party has taken offence, and the potential for a misunderstanding to develop that is completely unnecessary and could be life-long.

Racism should always be called out, but by communicating clearly what is offensive and why. There are some terms (and offenders) that are blatantly so, but others are not. And it's horrible when people avoid talking to each other for fear of giving unintended offence.

Families need to communicate robustly.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 31/03/2024 00:31

The MILs reaction says it all - she went on the defensive and said that OP was being oversensitive - the Only reasonable response to being told you have been racist is to apologise

Exactly, her response speaks volumes.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 31/03/2024 00:39

toastandtwo · 29/03/2024 23:07

Can someone please explain why they feel it matters what was said?

It’s not the actual comment that matters. It’s the fact that OP said it bothered her and now MIL and family are calling her too sensitive.

Or maybe MNers are better placed than the OP to decide on what’s racist Hmm

@toastandtwo , why should the OP be better placed than Mumsnet contributors to decide what is racist?
This question can’t be answered unless what was said is known.

GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight · 31/03/2024 00:50

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 31/03/2024 00:39

@toastandtwo , why should the OP be better placed than Mumsnet contributors to decide what is racist?
This question can’t be answered unless what was said is known.

Show quote history

Course it can! Why should the OP put what was said, just so people can minimise, tell her yes she is being sensitive etc?!
She doesn't owe us anything.