Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

What do you think about the fact that she said OP was too sensitive, just dismissed her instead?

How do you think white people know what's racist and what isn't?

By learning from non white people.

History has proven that white people absolutely cannot be the judge of what's racist, and its still ongoing.

So, no, it's not patronising to listen to a non white person telling you something is racist and learning from that.

However in this instance the MIL has said multiple racist things, and just dismisses the op rather than listening and learning, so it's safe to say that she, and others on this thread who are defending their right to say what they want, are just your average racists who have no interest in learning or changing anything.

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow , what is “Fucking tedious” is that some people on this thread are so quick to judge someone they don’t know about something they didn’t hear and there is no evidence for whatsoever as guilty because the OP is not white. It is further fucking tedious that these same people assert anyone who doesn’t agree with them is racist.

Well said to all of this (I say this as someone who is white too)

How do you think white people know what's racist and what isn't?

By learning from non white people

Exactly, I don't get daily abuse for the colour of my skin so I'm not exactly placed to say what is or isn't racist!
I try to shut up and listen and learn

It’s a bit late to be worrying about being linked with the family if you already have children.

@GoodAfternoonGoodEveningAndGoodnight , I think you have omitted the word ‘probably’ from what was said. 🙄

I fell out with a friend about racist comments. So much so that I went home from a town which was 2 buses journey. She had no clue where to pick the first bus from

But you want to know what was said so you can judge if it's racist enough for your standards though. Why is your judgement better than the ops?

If op says her MIL has said racist things more than once then I'm going to believe that.

If you're there trying to goad someone into giving specifics so you can decide if it's racist enough to be offended by then I'm going to assume that you have a level of racism that you find acceptable.

But again, there is another perspective, which is that the motivation of the speaker is what creates the racism. Not the perception of the hearer.

Also, ‘white’ people can experience racism (eg travellers/gypsies/Jews).

I'm not white, but I still have lots to learn from people of other races about what racism is for them too.

If I inadvertently said something then I wouldn't jump straight on the defensive.

That's the actual problem here, the reaction.

But again, there is another perspective, which is that the motivation of the speaker is what creates the racism. Not the perception of the hearer.

Gosh, I wonder where that perspective came from.

Well done, and I genuinely mean that. You're modelling great self-respect and boundaries to your children. Racism and racists should never be tolerated or excuses made for them. Ignorance is never a valid reason either.

Frankly, it's their family's problem if they are now not as close knit as they were.

You and your children should not have to experience racism within your family. Period.

To the other posters. Trust me when I say and I'm also not white British. When someone of colour says that they are having racism thrown at them by family. It is 100% racism. When you know, you know and there's no hiding it. What has been said is not relevant. It was racist.

I'm sorry you have had this happen. I can say that one half of my in laws are great and the others are as you've described. I refuse to have anything to do with them. And, if there's a big social gathering of the family, I ignore them. If anyone asks, I tell them why. I won't hide or make excuses for their poor education and worse behaviour.

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow , the OP posted on AIBU and asked if she would be justified in cutting contact completely with her partners family. She was seeking opinions!

@InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow
That's the actual problem here, the reaction

Completely agree

She wasn't seeking an opinion on whether her MILs multiple comments about her race/heratige were racist or not though, unless I missed that part, she seems pretty clear that they are.

Can we stop with ‘of an age’ comments about racism please? I’m mid 50’s and my parents, now in their 80’s taught me from toddlerhood about changing language, personal comments and differences. In the early 70’s when the norm in attitudes around race, sexuality, disability were ‘different to now’ lots of people called it out. Saying otherwise is wrong.

How does DP react when they make these comments, OP?

He should be stepping up to make it very clear they shouldn't be saying these things in front of you and the kids. It's so disrespectful.

Nothing like a racism thread to bring ageism in its wake!

Too true. They seem to go in tandem.
It's perfectly possible to be older and not racist!

Ignore the "too sensitive", OP. That's to shut you up. What does your partner say?

@Smellyshelli "But again, there is another perspective, which is that the motivation of the speaker is what creates the racism. Not the perception of the hearer."

That is another perspective, yes. It's wrong.

Hi I’m so sorry to hear that. Either they truly apologise and stop or cut them off. I did that with my SILs racist family. And honestly think twice before marrying into such a family. Good luck

Where is your Partner in all this? And what is his pov? That is going to be important.

I would NOT be getting married before this is resolved one way or the other.

Its a long road to walk for you and your DP/DH. All happy events... the wedding, birthdays, children will all be highly problematic and stress filled.
Can mil sit at the top table for the wedding? Can she attend the wedding at all? Can she see your child? Is she only allowed supervised access? Is once a week too much?

It WILL cause conflict and resentment on both sides in your marriage indefinitely and that can be a huge strain.
By that i mean the "you arent supporting me and are enabling your racist family" vs "you hate my family. I have to chose between you and them"

So OP telling her children "sorry you don't see Grandma- she's a racist" won't affect them either?!

OP it would help posters support you if you would give more detail, but overall I would say that educating her as well as giving her carte Blanche as to why this is not acceptable and what she risks would be my advice at this stage.

My MIL is racist AF and claims that she is “entitled to her opinion.” I have said to her that she is absolutely entitled to her opinion. Couldn’t agree more. She is not however, entitled to voice it. Her opinion is illegal. I don’t want to hear it and I don’t want my kids to hear it. If she insists on sharing it, she will learn just how passionately I disagree with her when I call the police. She doesn’t like me very much. 😆