Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

You just know as well that if OP does cave and put what was said, it'll suddenly be posts like this one who tell her yeah actually, she was being too sensitive, of course it's not racist, don't be daft, and plenty of mental gymnastics gaslighting to tell her why she's wrong etc
See it all the time on here.

Its not up to the MIL to decide though.

She is white, op is not.

It's not up to a white person to then tell a non white person they are being too sensitive about racism.

It really doesn't matter what the action itself was, the reaction is the most telling part.

Op shouldn't actually post what it was to have a bunch of MNers pick apart whether it was racist or not. Some posters on this site are very racist and will excuse anything.

I’m very uncomfortable with some the undertone on here, toward MIL and some of the PP. White people are not racist just because something is seen through that prism. Intent is important. Exposure to people of different heritage is important to understand what is considered offensive.

White people are not racist just because something is seen through that prism

Nobody's said anything like that though?!

What are you on about? Are you suggesting that racism doesn't exist? In which case, I have some news for you.

The OP is upset by her own MILs racist behaviour. People coming in to tell her that her own bloody experience isn't racist are frankly, just making themselves look stupid and rather complicit in downplaying racism.

Why is everyone continuing to post when OP hasn't come back since her opening post? It's obviously a goady post to get people frothed up and it's worked.

Probably fed up with all the "ah tell us what she said, ah go on!" type posts and gave up.
Don't blame them if so.

Intent does not matter. Imagine a person holding a kettle accidentally burnt their family member. Is the injured party obligated to prioritise the feelings of the person holding the kettle?

Imagine that the same family member burns the injured party repeatedly. Imagine also that other people do the same thing and each time it is an accident. Why is it acceptable for the onus to be on the injured party to accept their carelessness? Now imagine the people holding the kettle had a tendency to not show basic empathy, expect this person to grow thicker skin so it would no longer hurt and they could be careless with impunity, then get upset that the topic has been discussed. If it was you would you tolerate that?

The MIL has exposure to OP and her family. I bet anything if she had made it clear that she was putting effort into understanding a bit more about their background and how racism works OP would be more inclined to show grace.

I’m not complicit in racism or wanting to downplay it or justify it in any way. I only want to know what was said in case there was a genuine misunderstanding.

For example, black people are black. In my grandmother’s day the respectful term was c***ed. That terminology is considered offensive now. Black was considered rude back then.

I’m hoping the incident was crossed wires like that would have been. If it wasn’t then the DP/DS needs to do better at educating his mother about her conscious or unconscious biases.

@Lovepeaceunderstanding Agreed! I'm with you there!
How the hell anyone can form an opinion or give decent advice without the original context is absolutely absurd!
And the mere fact that she hasn't been back to update the thread, tells me that she has thought about it and was probably being oversensitive!

And no, before everyone jumps on me, I'm not saying that because I'm an apologist at all, but the word racism is bandied about an awful lot, people take exception to and are up in arms about everything these days, without knowing any of the details!

And no, before everyone jumps on me, I'm notsaying that because I'm an apologist at all, but the word racism is bandied about an awful lot, people take exception to and are up in arms about everything these days

Political correctness gawn mad!! Can't say anything these days, sensitive woke snowflakes!!
🙄

Edited to add <disclaimer>
Sarcasm alert, not my actual opinion lol

There may have been 'crossed wires' or whatever about the original comment.

However when op said she was being racist, rather than listen, or learn, or apologise, she doubled down and dismissed op as sensitive.

That's a bigger issue than the original comment, and why the comment itself isn't relevant.

The other day there was a thread where the OP wrote the words almost letter for letter and you still had posters saying it "wasn't racist because..."

And those were actually well known racial slurs.

I did wonder if this thread was an intentional counterpoint

The idea though that posters think an OP possibly lacks the qualification to identify racism is fucking baffling to me, or that they're any better qualified. As above there are people who deny racism as blatant as using racial slurs so I don't really see what benefit bringing a court made up of the same people brings to the argument.

If you take the racism as hitting whatever level you deem racism to be you are still left with the OPs original question and that's what you should be answering.

Well quite. I can perceive the sky to be green. That doesn't mean the sky is green.

Let's not pretend that's a fair comparison at all.

A white person is in absolutely no position to tell a non white person that something isn't racist and dismiss the person as sensitive.

Op said it was racist, op said its not the first time either, so why do people need to know the details so they can tie themselves in knots to dismiss it.

In fact I do know why, it's because those posters are racist, if they manage to convince themselves that non white people are just sensitive then they don't have to admit their own racism, and they can pass it off as "you can't say anything anymore, political correctness gone mad". It's fucking tedious.

But how many people when told that their language / actions are wrong for any reason will immediately get defensive - it's human nature. Yes OP's MIL may well have been racist and may well have been doing so deliberately but equally she may have said something that used to be the polite acceptable term and is just being defensive for having been told she's wrong. And given that OP hasn't been back I'd rather give the benefit of the doubt to her MIL since we have zero idea of what was said at any point in the conversation. Innocent until proved guilty, and no proof has been offered.

And that's the problem.

She may have got a word wrong by accident, but she didn't apologise and correct herself, she got defensive and blamed op, as racists always do.

Say something racist, get pulled up on it, blame the non white person for being sensitive rather than accept they got it wrong.

Op doesn't need to prove anything, the actions of the MIL speak for themselves, (and so do yours for defending her tbh).

@ifkgcmtlucube who you are agreeing with, your post's not clear?
(As yikes that's quite the edit!)

That really is quite the edit 😲

You know people can see your post pre-edit? Bloody hell!

Actually though, the ‘racism is in the eye of the beholder’ idea is a political standpoint not everyone agrees with. So you say white people can’t judge for themselves and must immediately apologise if they’re told by a non-white person that something is racist. This is a critical race theory idea that not everyone subscribes to. It’s a political disagreement and frankly I think it’s patronising to always agree with what someone says because you assume they can’t cope with a difference of opinion.

You're getting married next year? WHY? Why subject yourself to racist behaviour for the rest of your life?

When you marry a man, you marry his family too. This is a piece of advice I did NOT listen to when I married my exH. I thought I could keep his batshit mother and controlling father at bay because they had been relatively harmless and just annoying till that point.

I couldn't keep them at a distance and getting married made it worse because, in my exH's mind, I had agreed to marry him knowing what his family was like and he was actually LESS inclined to stand up for me after that.

Well put @Smellyshelli

@MoonWoman69 , yes people cry ‘ism’ a great deal and it should not be a catch all shut up. We need to be able to question reasonably and have a right to our opinion. I am shocked that this MIL is being judged guilty without any evidence, that is in itself prejudice.