Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

My dp’s are old, 88 and 93. They raised us to be inclusive and refused to join the residents association in the 60’s because it had a no black policy.
Tell your dh age is no excuse.

YANBU
You children don’t need to be around that shit.

God all the posters rubbing their hands together in glee as they’re so excited about reading a racist comment, I bet they’d get alone with MIL.

It’s impossible to be racist in a nice way, I always find it odd that so many racists live in a little fantasy land where denying they are racist will somehow be believed. You have a duty as a parent to protect your children from awful hateful people, they’re better off without their racist grandparent who hates them due to their ethnicity.

YANBU. I'm white but sacked off my stepsister over a racist comment she made about my Chinese boyfriend.

He's long gone, and she and I have been no contact for 20 years. I have no regrets.

😱

I don't think anyone can judge if you're being too sensitive if we don't know what she said.

Completely understand why you’re not sharing the comments. It will only result in the racist apologists - already out in force - minimising, excusing and claiming ‘you can’t say anything any more’.

It’s not even just the racist comments but the double-down refusing to listen, learn and apologise. Have as little contact as you feel necessary.

Noone can judge if you are being too sensitive without explaining the comment and context

I am a foreigner not native to my country i have comments directed towards me almost daily. Most are said with affection and good intent. Sometimes i hear one thats negative.

Only context and explanation can help us decide here or...have you decided that you dont like his family and this is a convenient opt out

Why do so many people want to know what she said?

Just like women know sexism when they experience it the OP knows racism when she experiences it.

You are under no obligation to put yourself in a position where you are abused and as a parent you know you need to create a safe family space for your children, being with your MIL isn't safe for your children.

Surely if the OP feels someone has said something racist to her that’s up to her, not us to decide if it WAS actually racist?
OP, if you feel unhappy around people because they are either ignorantly, or purposefully being racist then that’s ok. What does your DP think? I do hope he’s supporting you in this.
Do you think that this is something that you could get over in time? Because being married to someone whose family is unsupportive of you will be very hard.

I don’t want to read disgusting racist comments to satisfy other people’s curiosity. OP said it was racist and made her uncomfortable and family called her dramatic instead of taking responsibility. You do not need to know

no, you have pulled them up
no need to stop contact .

I think what was said is very relevant.

I was once accused of racism for saying someone was 'taking the mickey'.

Firstly I was completely unaware that phrase could be offensive, secondly there was no malice intended.

Have you talked to her, explained why it is racist and why it is hurtful? You are planning to marry into this family so you have a find a way to deal with it that both you & your partner are happy with.

Ideally she will stop but may not. How will you cope when your children want to see their gran?

How is taking the mickey offensive?

There are no excuses. The family continuing their behaviour despite being challenged shows a huge lack of respect for you, your race, your identity and your children.
There can be no 'levels', 'context ', etc used to excuse their behaviour.

How does your partner respond? He has to challenge his family and support you.

Yet again there are some attempts to minimise racism here and that's always depressing and sad.

Doesn't matter what was said. You've tried to talk to her already and explain why she's wrong but she's standing by it and making excuses and victim blaming. Nope I wouldn't tolerate this either. I'm afraid if your dp isn't backing you properly either that may need s rethink. You can't live like this.

What @alrightjackie and @LateAF said.

they’re better off without their racist grandparent who hates them due to their ethnicity.

Who says she hates them for their ethnicity? Or hates them at all?

That's why I said that without knowing what was said, it's hard to advise how radically OP should respond. Here's a poster who's invented her own scenario in the vacuum that's been created, rather than giving rational send helpful advice.

I'm not denying racism. If OP says that the things that have been said are racist, then they are. And I'm not being nosy.
But there are different levels of responses and actions that OP can take, and which one she chooses depends on what kind of things the family are saying, and the tone and intent behind it.

There aren't different levels of racism.

There is just racism.

'Mick' was/is a derogatory term used for Irish immigrants.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. She might not have meant to be racist but that doesn’t change that she was. She should apologise and learn from it.

racist comments are not ok, ever.

Is this the first time you have spoken up after a comment? Giving mil the benefit of doubt (as in, she is a nice but dim person) maybe as you have never said anything she just didn’t know that it is offensive? In that case I would not fall out with her (yet) provided she is willing to listen and to understand.
you know your mil - if you know she said those things on purpose and meant them - well, that is s different matter.
what did your DP say to his family on such occasions?

@saraclara there are definitely different degrees of severity but OP is going to be better placed than most of the people on here, to determine where on the scales this falls and what the appropriate response is.

For a lot of people on here anything short of physical violence is not racism. They will come from it from an intention rather than impact point of view and because they won’t face racism but might be called racist they may feel that OP calling out racism is the more grievous behaviour.

The only opinions that really matter are hers and her DP’s. While he doesn’t have to go NC with his family, he should be supportive of whatever rules, OP lays down about herself and their children and really, he should be the one to go and deal with it. If he’s not doing those things, then he’s not the partner for her.

Did your DH hear it? What did he do?

Context is key here, what was said and how old is the MIL.
Anyone who says we dont need to know this to give an informed opinion is ignorant.