Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

OP, you don’t need to say what she said. I believe you that it was racist,

Go NC with the whole bunch of racist cunts.

So OP telling her children "sorry you don't see Grandma- she's a racist" won't affect them either?!

Yes, it will teach them that their mother doesn’t put up with racists and they shouldn’t either.

OP it would help posters support you if you would give more detail, but overall I would say that educating her as well as giving her carte Blanche as to why this is not acceptable and what she risks would be my advice at this stage.

It’s not OP’s job to educate racists, especially ones who refuse to see they are racist.

And no, OP shouldn’t give MIL carte blanche, do you even know what that means?!

I just don't understand ppl like this. Even if they didn't mean it (according to them) in a bad way but they can see they've upset you why don't try showing you that they are sorry they upset you instead of using the sensitive card. My inlaws are exactly like this and actually they treat anyone outside the family badly and don't give a toss if they've hurt someone's feelings. It's not about bowing down to everyone, I can understand you may be accused of saying something you didn't mean in the way it's been taken but just show some understanding. It's your dil for crying out loud just show her some understanding to what she's trying to tell you .

a) I have zero tolerance for racists and would go no contact easily.

b) As somebody who has mainly dated interracially I don’t think I could countenance dating, let alone marrying a man whose family were racists, who made racists comments in my presence and he was silent on it. You should not even be the one to deal with what you MiL said. He should have. My brother has to deal with some prejudiced comments from his wife’s uncle but at least there, his FiL shuts that down immediately.

c) Would you want any children you have exposed to this?

And the people here saying “I need to know what she said” probably make similarly racists comments but think it’s ok “if they did not mean to be racist”.

You searched out a six month old thread just to call other mumsnetters racist?

Edited to say did not notice this was a zombie. Sorry.

By needing to know what was said, we are questioning a non-white person's lived experience of racism. It is not for us to judge whether OP should be upset or not, she IS upset and that should be recognised.

Why should she be required to perform any degree of emotional labour?

The MiL is perfectly capable of educating herself if she wants to.

No, I did not “search out” six month old thread.

And I was speaking specifically about those seeking to gaslight OP

No it is not. It is about a principle; MiL has no right to say anything offensive, be it racist or any other ist.
One doesn't require an example to understand a principle and good manners

Without you hinting at what she said, it's very difficult to answer your question. What does your fiance say?