Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

I do think what she actually said and the context is important. Did she intend to deliberately offend? Was it one of those lazy, sweeping generalisations people sometimes make without considering the potential offence the may cause? what happened afterwards re apology or discussion?

If you and partner are planning to marry going no contact could put strain on your marriage. Have an honest discussion with your partner about how you feel then decide your next steps.

No. The op is the person who was on the end of the racist comment. A lot of white people have absolutely no idea that something they have said is racist or could be construed as racist.

But they are not the person from the ethnic minority who is exposed to "low level" racism day in, day out. They are the people who say "of course it's not racist". I'm sorry, but if you are not the person to who racist comments are made, then you are not qualified to comment.

If someone accused me of racism, I would apologize unreservedly and make sure I never made such a comment again.

This thread is just illustration of how racist our society is

It doesn't matter if she meant to offend or not - if she didn't mean to offend, then she would have apologized when called out. She did not and insisted that the op was oversensitive. Therefore, it's fairly obvious that she did mean to offend

So the OP hasn’t replied…strange to start a post and not elaborated !

@HospitalDayOut , it’s very difficult to tell because thus far the OP has not disclosed what her MIL said. Could you clarify please that ANY comment that the MIL made has to be racist because the OP says so and ANYONE who would have the temerity to disagree is an idiotic racist?
What if MIL said “This sponge cake is far too brown for my liking”? Would the OP be quite correct and not in the least over sensitive for being so deeply offended by that comment that she would seek to cut off all contact for herself, her partner and children from her partner’s family?
Would I be an idiotic racist for offering the view that very probably the OP had rather overreacted and indeed appears over sensitive in this respect?

Lovepeaceunderstanding is being ridiculous. Nobody would say*The sponge cake is too brown " unless they were being racist. They would say"The sponge cake is overcooked/burnt"

Bingo! Some people seem to forget or rather ignore that racism is trauma. Not everyone wants to recount specific details of a traumatic event in a forum like this where there’s all sorts of people who could end up derailing by gaslighting about whether it’s racist or not.

@Jadebanditchillipepper , I’m trying to use that for illustrative purpose and the MIL’s command of the language she’s speaking might be an issue. No one can judge because the OP isn’t disclosing what was said and an army of commenters are saying that so long as the OP says the comment was racist it obviously was. That makes no sense to me.

It doesn't matter what the comment was. It made the OP uncomfortable and it wasn't the first time. She then explained this to MIL and this resulted in no change to behaviour or apology. If I said something out of ignorance or that was offensive to someone, I would just apologise and seek to learn from that experience. The fact that the MIL isn't doing that speaks volumes. I'm also uncomfortable that so many want to know the comment, presumably so you can say "well it's not that bad", as if that even matters when experiencing racism isn't your daily lived experience.

I try to go by this ...

But when someone explained did you say oh crikey I’m sorry I didn’t realise or did you make some comment about the worlds gone mad can’t say anything etc etc? That’s the bit that matters. I didn’t know it was by the way, will google but am guessing anti Irish perhaps?

Well two reasons for me personally; I wasn’t there and I am white.

I you don't tell us what she said, how can anybody offer any useful comment?

Because it’s not relevant.

OP feels that she’s been the repeated target of racist comments by her in-laws.

when she tried to voice these concerns she was told she was being too sensitive and dramatic. In other words: They tried to undermine her own perception of reality and make her (and anyone else) believe that OP was the one in the wrong!

whereas any caring and reasonably non-racist person would try to understand a beloved and valued family member and would want their beloved daughter in law to feel comfortable at their house. Even if they didn’t feel that their comment was offensive. Even if this was simply a huge misunderstanding.

This isn’t about freedom of speech in a public setting, particularly a political or academic context where one actually needs to discuss whether something is or isn’t racist.
This is about how OP is treated by her own in-laws in the privacy of their own homes (and probably even OP’s own home) and how her in-laws choose to interact with her.

Whether they were intentionally racist, unintentionally racist, just a “bit clumsy”or even “not at all racist” therefore isn’t particularly relevant.

Yes you would. The OP was hurt by the comment, explained to the person commenting and they doubled down on it instead of apologising.

I'm pretty sure they weren't commenting on the colour of a cake.

Everyone asking for the comments it's just so they can minimise it and offer some mental gymnastics explanation as to why it's not racist or excusable. I don't blame OP for not writing it all down.

As an adult on the receiving end of a racist comment, you know it is racist, even though the person delivering it may not, e.g. person who was told ' taking the mickey' is racist. I have had to clarify whether comments are racist in lessons- usually they have not been.

That’s not where this phrase originated though. The two things are completely different.
https://wordhistories.net/2017/11/27/take-the-mickey-origin/

I fell out with my exILs after they started chuntering on with pretty unpleasant tabloid racist statements ( the usual shite about Muslims and immigrants). I challenged them over it, and they got really upset and angry, and cut us off. To be fair to my knobhead of an exH, he was furious with them as well.

We never spoke to them again and my FIL died a few years back. MIL didn't even acknowledge my exH as one of FILs sons on the funeral order of service. As far as I'm concerned, racist old bitches like her can rot in hell (and hopefully get tortured by immigrant demons with pitchforks!).

Spoiler alert: it doesn’t!
https://wordhistories.net/2017/11/27/take-the-mickey-origin/

@CaptainMyCaptain , we have absolutely no idea what was said. It IS possible that the OP is being over sensitive which is the point I’m trying to make. To be crystal clear, I hate racism but it is completely ridiculous to suggest that just because someone says something is racist it definitely is without knowing what it was.

Did she intend to deliberately offend?
The fact she told OP she was "too sensitive" says it all really.
You'd have thought she'd have apologised.

we have absolutely no idea what was said. It IS possible that the OP is being over sensitive which is the point I’m trying to make

None of us were there, so not sure how OP telling us will magically make us know if she actually was "being too sensitive"
No tone, atmosphere, she's presumably not daft and knows what it was like more than you or I.

Actually, @Lovepeaceunderstanding , I think your constant insistence that it can't possibly have been racism unless the OP repeats it verbatim to you, is pretty odd. She was there, she was offended, why isn't that good enough for you?

@lewiyy I’m sorry you’ve been subjected to racists comments by these people.

I'd be interested to know what your partner thinks of this, because if he’s evenly remotely apologist, he’s a part of the problem.

One comment is too many, and you’ve have several, plus a dollop of gaslighting. These are not people my children or I would be spending any time with.