Falling out with MIL over racist comment

[lewiyy]

I have fallen out with MIL over a racist comment she made. She is insistent she didnt mean it in a mean way. Ive tried explaining that's not the point, it shouldn't have been said to start with!

Im not white but my partner & his whole family are.

This is not the first racist comment I've experienced from his family. Whilst they are not said in a directly mean way towards me, they have been to do with my race/heritage and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So now, my stance is I don't particularly want be around mainly her but his family in general as its been a few members that have said things. I wouldn't take it from my family so why do i have to take it from his?

It's very awkward as previously I would go round there, they are a close knit family so this has definitely rocked the boat big time.

They 100% are playing it off as i am too sensitive, and being dramatic. I just dont want to be around people that think its ok to speak in that way. Especially in front of our children.

I know I haven't said what the comments were but they were bad enough to put me very much on edge.

AIBU? To not bother with them anymore?

We are also planning on getting married in the next year or so, not ideal!

MiL's age is completely irrelevant. The only thing relevant is whether she apologised after being told it made the OP uncomfortable. If she did then it came from ignorance if not then it was intended to hurt.

@LateAF It’s absolutely no excuse that someone is old and ‘doesn’t mean it’. My Father in Law is a racist old git and we pick him up on it every single time. Your husband needs to do the same, not just for you and the kids but because racism is unacceptable in any circumstances.

Feel for you, it’s so unpleasant and ignorant.

We can all agree that the photography company in Scotland who wanted to erase the schoolchildren with additional needs was wrong and totally abhorrent. However when it comes to racist behaviour and actions, people seem very reluctant to say that the perpetrators are completely wrong and out of order. I do wonder why this is.

If the family have said racist comments then they need to listen and apologise. Even if it was said without huge racist intent, it’s wrong and they need to learn.

I would not tolerate being dismissed.

And you don’t have to state the comments here. This is MN and you will get the idiotic racists on here telling you exactly why the comments are not racist and you are over-reacting and poor mil will die soon and you need to forgive her etc.

no one is saying it is right i believe

Without knowing what was actually said it's difficult to comment. Sadly, we live in an age where lots of things are considered racist etc.

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YANBU, and ignore posters gasping to know what was said, it's irrelevant, and posting what there were will no doubt just have some coming on to tell you why it wasn't racist, and excuse it blah blah etc
They felt racist to you and were bad enough to put you on edge, YANBU in not wanting to be around anyone much who does that to you.
"You're Too sensitive" when they're called out, says it all really 🙄💐💐

OP, ignore the ridiculous debate about what was said. Because if you say what it is, insuspect loads of people will start agreeing with your MIL that you are too sensitive. Because on MN often racism is dismissed because "she didn't mean it" or "that's not racist".

At the end of the day, it was offensive and instead of listening to you, she's doh led down. In normal, respectful relationships, even if you don't mean to upset someone if you know that saying or doing something DOES upset the person, you stop doing it. It's not rocket science.

As the majority have explained, it is utterly impossible to give any specific advice or make any sensible comments without knowing exactly what she said.

As others have already pointed out however, if you don't feel you are being listened to that is an issue in itself.

And it is true that no matter what, no adult ever has to spend time around adult relatives they don't like or feel comfortable with for any reason.

The comment doesn't actually matter at all.

The fact that op found it racist, explained that, and has been dismissed as sensitive is the thing that matters.

If I said something that pissed my DIL off, even if I thought she was being sensitive, I would apologise, and make sure to never say it again.

The reaction matters more than the action here imo.

She shouldn't have access to your children if she is going to say insulting things about their heritage. YANBU

It is not irrelevant. Someone on their 90's will have been brought up in a totally different way to someone in their 50's regarding racism.
Im not saying it is right. But it needs to be considered.

I think what was said is very relevant
I was once accused of racism for saying someone was 'taking the mickey'

Did you double down though and go on about how they're "too sensitive" etc or apologise and learn from what they said?
I think that's the difference, it's easy to say things if you genuinely didn't know, but it's what you do with that knowledge once you do know that matters.

So, final comment for me here, it really is very important that you give the exact comment if you want a real answer, and the fact that you haven't could mean many things - it could mean it was too upsetting for you to want to say, or it could mean it was a nothing burger and you know that - or something else entirely.

But, obviously, nobody sensible and rational would ever dream of saying "Just agree with anything a person says if they make the claim someone is being racist" - and fortunately most sensible adults do use their own judgement.

And, of course, if the comment wasn't racist then she would have had a complete right to argue that she wasn't being racist. Claiming otherwise is nonsense, since yes, sometimes people are in fact accused of racism who have not said or done anything racist.

If we just agreed that every claim of "racism" "misogyny" or "insert phobia" was exactly that no matter what was actually said or done then the word "racist" would be completely meaningless and dismissed by everyone.

Logic and rational thoughts aren't racist, of course, and adults going around screaming slurs at other people are saying an awful lot about themselves and nothing at all about the person they are making judgements about (that's not for the OP of course but the fauxfended brigade).

Regardless, you have a right not to spend time with adults you don't feel comfortable with and everyone should ensure they put boundaries in place they are comfortable with in their adult lives.

And someone in their 90s will also be able to listen, hear that they hurt someone, and apologise for that.

This woman didn't, she dismissed op.

The biggest missing piece of information for me is how your partner reacted OP. Supportive of you or making excuses for them?

Someone in their 90s will have been brought up with the basic good manners to apologise if they inadvertently say something offensive to a close family member.

Some posters are allowing culture wars rhetoric ("you can't say anything these days!") to overshadow the principles of basic human decency.

My dad would have been 100 this year and was not racist. MIL 96, not racist.

Age is no excuse.

You absolutely can be racist and not mean it. My Nan in her seventies was quite capable of saying the right things. When she got to her nineties she reverted back to incorrect terminology from her youth. She still loved everyone in our multi racial family that never changed.

OP has said that it is not the first racist comment that has been made about her.

They way some are trying to use age as an excuse is pathetic honestly , age means one should be old enough to know better.

This is why OP shouldn't give exact context.

Yeah the sad bit about this post is that people can't say racist shit anymore without people calling it racist

Hi OP,

I personally don't feel a need to know what she said. For me the key point is the reaction she had. To be clear, racism is obviously not ok. If she said something out of ignorance and upon having it pointed out had said "I'm so sorry, I realise it has been hurtful and inappropriate, I feel terrible about it and promise going forward to consciously not behave like that again"... Then I'd say consider whether to forgive and forget. But it doesn't sound like she's taken any accountability and has instead located the problem in you. From that stance I can totally see why you wouldn't want to look past this.

I'm currently in a similar situation in that I've had a big falling out with my SiL. Whilst her viewpoints aren't racist, the similarity would be the comments she's made to me would be widely viewed as socially unacceptable (victim-blaming in this case), and like you I've been labelled as the "fragile and oversensitive" one for not wanting a close relationship going forward. It's really hard when you feel like you've shaken up a family dynamic (our in-law boat has definitely been rocked too), but I think it's important to live true to your values and that includes within your extended family. It's ok to let her know that her views were deeply offensive to you.

Q: are all old people racist?
A: No
Q: are all racists old people?
A: No
Reasonable conclusion: it's because they're racist, not because they're old.