Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

239 replies

Celia24 · 28/03/2024 09:55

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

OP posts:
Queijo · 28/03/2024 09:58

God sack him off. You’re not a priority to him, but you should be to yourself.

This is not a relationship, he’s using you to feed his ego when he feels like it.

Message and say this isn’t working for you anymore and then block everywhere. You’ll thank yourself in 6 months time.

littlebirdieblu · 28/03/2024 09:59

Go back to your other plan offers and accept them. Do not waste your time waiting for a man who does not make you a priority. This is early doors 4 months in, so you both should be making a big effort with each other.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 09:59

@Queijo ugh I hope not.

When we're together everything is wonderful and he keeps in touch every day which he's done from day one.

It's hard because a part of me thinks he's at it but I can't exactly say 'i think you're faking it and this isn't working for me' can it?

OP posts:
whatsappdoc · 28/03/2024 10:00

He's got better plans lined up, you're the fallback. Listen to what he's actually telling you, it won't get any better so just end it now.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:01

I don't think he does have other plans. He's been on a trip with family all week. Hes an introvert and says he needs time to decompress and 'i'm also ill'.

I sometimes need that time too but it doesn't justify not meeting the entire weekend.

OP posts:
sueelleker · 28/03/2024 10:02

Are you sure he's not married? Not seeing you at weekends sounds suspicious.

MissyB1 · 28/03/2024 10:02

You are not his priority, personally I would be having doubts about this relationship.

Mazuslongtoenail · 28/03/2024 10:02

Regardless of the messing about he sounds a bit delicate. That would be enough for me to sack it off. But I’m intolerant!

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:03

No @sueelleker he's divorced and she lives in another country.

I've been to his home. Definitely a bachelor pad/man only space.

OP posts:
TheFlis · 28/03/2024 10:04

I’m afraid it’s a classic ‘he’s just not that into you’. If he really wanted to see you he would move heaven and earth to do so.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:04

Yes @Mazuslongtoenail although he looks masculine he is quite sensitive. Which makes him thoughtful but also likely to cancel at the first sight of a sniffle.

I've also had a hard week and need a cuddle from my boyfriend. If you don't even spend holidays together what's the point?

OP posts:
Hagpie · 28/03/2024 10:04

I’m sorry OP. Usually I am a “give him another chance” sort of person but he is bluntly telling you he doesn’t want to see you.

4 months in really is nothing if you think of the wonderful lifetime you have in front of you.

Caroparo52 · 28/03/2024 10:08

Sounds like you're wasting your time banking on him. Move on and respect and value yourself .

something2say · 28/03/2024 10:08

It seems that he is busy and overwhelmed with so much stuff to get done.

Your problem is that you're not high on that list of his and he is happy enough to reduce time spent with you.

It's a bit lukewarm really, and you can see that.

Is this relationship hot enough for you? I find that it's not just how time spent together goes, but also how time spent apart goes. He's all good when together yes? Excellent, tick. But when you are apart, he reduces your importance somehow...

I'm an introvert with a previously very happy single life. Busy, work, music, friends, going out. Adding a boyfriend to that mix has meant that going out alone, seeing friends, getting stuff done is taking second stage right now. I am choosing my boyfriend over the other things because time spent with him is the best. Your guy isn't doing that.

I follow the 10/10 relationship guy on Facebook. I think his premise is - are you looking for the real deal? Is this it? Would your 'real deal' guy feel this way about you, treat you like this, not bother very much with you, make you feel this way, make you question him, make you feel bad? No. Sack it off and start again. It may get better, but it may always be a feature of this particular relationship - he could take you or leave you - and is that enough, is that what you've dreamed of?

FictionalCharacter · 28/03/2024 10:09

he said he was ill and
before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day
So he's making excuses not to see you. As PPs have said, you're not his priority at all. Meanwhile you're very keen to see him. This isn't going anywhere and he'll just make you unhappy.

Ragruggers · 28/03/2024 10:10

Can you make plans with friends for the weekend and enjoy your time with them ? or enjoy a chill weekend by yourself.If he calls you so well and good just see what happens. 4 months in is nothing time will tell.Sorry if you are expecting more from him.

BreakfastAtMimis · 28/03/2024 10:10

If I'm not mistaken OP, you've posted about him before? You would be far better off without him.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:11

When we are together, everything is perfect. And I do feel it's genuine - like he's very happy to be together in those moments.

I suspect a level of anxiety or depression that he hasn't shared with me. I know he's on the spectrum if it makes a difference.

OP posts:
gannett · 28/03/2024 10:11

Daily trips, nights out and a family holiday would increase the likelihood of catching something. I don't get ill very often but when I do it's often after lot of nights out in a row and lots of socialising.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 28/03/2024 10:12

He's just not that into you.

Original poster
Celia24 · 28/03/2024 10:12

I know @gannett and there's something going around at work now.

It's very hard to argue with someone who says they're ill even when it isn't meeting your needs.

OP posts:
DiscontinuedModelHusband · 28/03/2024 10:15

surely then your best bet is to start being less available for him, and see how he reacts to this.

if he fusses about it, then perhaps this instance was genuine. if he doesn't, then that probably tells you this isn't going to go the distance.

Laiste · 28/03/2024 10:16

4 months in should be utter bliss with everything hunky dory.

If you're not happy with him now you never will be.

(i don't blame you by the way he sounds hard work)

FiveShelties · 28/03/2024 10:16

Is he trying to let you down gently?

Haydenn · 28/03/2024 10:17

He sounds like a drain. Find someone else.

Swipe left for the next trending thread