To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

@something2say this is a really great post, thank you! I will mull it over.

I mean we chat or call every day when apart so I don't feel out of sight or mind. But I do sometimes feel plans can't be relied upon. Of course I want to be a priority.

He suggested travelling with him to his home country this summer to meet his parents when we last met.

@FiveShelties no I honestly don't think so.

He's been excitedly messaging me photos and anecdotes from his trip all week. Not the vibe I'm getting anyway!

Reading your posts, it would appear that your boyfriend is someone who needs a lot of time to himself, whereas you are someone who feels lonely if you're by yourself for a weekend. You said it yourself - his idea of decompressing after a hard week is be by himself, whereas what you need after a hard week is 'a cuddle from your boyfriend'.

You are simply completely incompatible. You will always feel neglected by him and he will always feel suffocated by you. You've only been seeing each other four months, and if this issue is already arising at such an early stage, it's not going to get any better. You need to end the relationship.

If you are making a thread about a boyfriend of FOUR MONTHS, then it isn't really working as a relationship. Stop agonising over whether he's really ill, or tired, or lazy, or depressed, or on the spectrum 🙄, or whether he likes you enough. This is the best he can give you so you need to ask yourself whether you want this "best" for the next year or not. Personally I would let him go and find someone who is more excited to see you.

@KreedKafer no it isn't the case that I'm lonely when by myself for a weekend all the time.

I'm also fairly introverted and happily spend time by myself - we're both writers so we both need that. But it will have been 2 weeks since we last met this weekend and then a further 3 after that.

I question what woman would be happy with this set up even if it does mean incompatibility.

If it isn't meeting your needs you get to end things, you don't need an objective reason. I'm just saying that I wouldn't necessarily disbelieve him about being ill, and arguing over whether someone's really ill is not something that happens in a healthy relationship.

Late cancellation definitely sucks though, especially when you've turned down other plans! I think if you had a backup for this weekend you'd feel a bit better about it all.

I don't know what your actual plans were with him but you could see if something low-key would work. In the first few months when DP and I were dating, I cancelled a weekend because I was ill - instead of our planned activities he came over to my house and made me a vat of soup while I sniffled in the corner and felt sorry for myself. Then he want away again so I could be alone with my nasty cold!

Set your bar higher OP. Don't settle for whatever scraps of attention he's prepared to throw your way. Sack him off and find someone who values you and will go out of their way to see you.

@gannett originally we had plans for the day out in the town.

When he said he was feeling unwell and that his social battery was low, I suggested staying in/watching a movie/making a meal at home.

He has said he'll come back to me but doesn't want to make me ill too.

I agree it doesn't happen in a healthy relationship so I won't be arguing with him.

Unfortunately I strongly believe in situations like this that your gut is always right. He seems a bit of a flake.

If you carry on and build a life for yourselves together, he will always be this way. People don't change.

If you're OK with this, fine. If you're not, also fine.

Tbh reading through the lines of what you said I did assume a bit of anxiety and/or depression.

With the most love and sisterly affection ….whether he chooses not to or can’t meet your needs doesn’t change the behaviour and it’s not going to change any time soon. You need to ask yourself if you could tolerate feeling this way, if you can support him through it and you must answer yourself truthfully.

If he's writing up a PhD that will be his main focus, but he also needs some downtime. I'd make other plans for Easter. What's the expression 'Don't make someone a priority when you're just an option for them'.

@Hagpie I do think it's the case and he likes to come across as perfect. I almost get the impression he feels he has to be in a perfect state of mind and 100% well in order to meet each time.

But when you're partners shit happens and you need to see each other in all the ways that are you, good and bad

I hope I see him but if not will definitely be having a hard think about things this weekend. Getting back into yoga always seems to help me too.

@Spanglemum75 yes I know what you're saying. But it's the fact he said he wanted to meet this weekend originally.

For the most part plans should be reliable.

You aren't partners, you've been seeing him for 4 months, and not very seriously by the sounds of it.

@Concannon88 right, well terminology aside, we see each other as girlfriend and boyfriend.

I was going to say this but now you've mentioned it.
Sometimes people who are ND can begin to feel themselves start to become overwhelmed. Because there isn't always a particular "reason" they find it difficult to articulate it, and so use other easier examples, such as a migraine.
It might be that he does have a migraine too obviously, but I'm just telling you that attempting to communicate something that

NT people don't experience, isn't easy, so sometimes we translate it to something easier to understand.

Are you long distance? I only ask as it appears you can only see each other weekends? I think with LD relationships, they definitely feel more casual and fun.
As he's ND, I'd give him a chance and let him know how gutted you would be to not see him for the long weekend and how much you were looking forward to it.

@rumbanana i think this is probably the key.

He mentioned early on that he was and was clearly worried about telling me. I told him it was ok and he didn't specify why it worried him in the context of a relationship.

I think this might be one of the factors. Needing loads of time alone. I want to be understanding while also honouring the fact I have needs too.

Cancelling when your ill is reasonable but it's the last minute of it, the fact he didn't say it until you brought plans up and that he's not mentioned being ill or it hasn't impacted on his ability to do stuff otherwise.

It reads like an excuse. It could be he wants time to himself, or he's not that invested in the relationship or he doesn't want to appear too committed to you.

It's the way he's done it that would annoy me. Four months in should be fun, ripping each others clothes off. Not worrying why he seemingly doesn't care about seeing you.

I'd question if you guys are in the same place. There's no point being either way someone who makes you feel lacking.

It shouldn't really be this difficult after 4 months.

@bows101 I did say I'd feel quite upset if we didn't meet at all (we're both off until Tuesday) and he's going to come back to me.

Sorry maybe I should have mentioned the ND factor sooner. I've never dated someone who has it so I don't always know if something is 'because' of that.

Also worth saying about three weeks we hsd a bit of a talk.

He said he only seeks serious relationships (doesn't do casual) so to him that's what this is.

I said I agreed and wanted the same, but sometimes the amount we meet feels casual. Since then he's made more effort but seems to be slipping quickly (possibly due to feeling overwhelmed).

Id love to think I could be the perfect patient partner for him but my needs matter too

I know a guy like this! He's a great big hulk of a fella and everyone loves him, but he's also really flakey and likes his own company. He isn't relationship material. You are tired and need a cuddle from your supposed bf. He is tired and doesn't want you anywhere near him.

Guys like this are great when they're 'on' but mainly want their own company. It only works if you are the same and you aren't.

Think you need to move on (and yes, I think he is not that ill - if he truly wanted your company he'd probably push through and keep your plans)

I agree with the others who say you are just not a priority to him. More than that - you are someone that he feels will be overwhelming to meet when he's had a busy, happy time elsewhere and therefore he will cancel you.

I would not settle for this. At this point, I would not text him again until he lets you know his plans - and if he's not coming at that point I would send this message.

'Thanks for letting me know, Jack. It's become increasingly clear that you are not that interested in spending time with me. It feels increasingly flaky and that I'm dropped when you can't be bothered. I'm not interested in a relationship like that, so I'm calling it a day. Don't bother contact me again. All the best, Celia'.