To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

Thanks @rumbanana really appreciate your point of view

I wish I'd added he had ASD in the original post but too late now. I still don't know too much about it.

When he told me he didn't say why, or explain how it might affect things. I guess now I am seeing this is one way. He did mention the social burnout he gets on our first date. It doesn't mean he can't socialise, just means he doesn't do a lot of it.

I am willing to understand and be patient but my needs need to be met too

I reckon as he has ASD he is knackered from having a full on week and that can make you more susceptible to illness. Have you ever written up a PhD? I haven’t but my ex did and it’s a massive commitment that I lived through. I wrote his bibliography for him, how nice was I ! DH has a PhD he is head of a University dept in a science subject, very responsible, horrid accidents could occur in his labs. He is very probably ND, lovely man, loyal, eccentric, helpful, little rituals, has been a wonderful DH and Father but he needs time alone or to sit in silence. I also need this so it works perfectly.

I feel quite like @rumbanana on this and also @FortofPud has a very good point.

Make your own plans

Two lessons I learnt later than I should have done; 1. Pay less attention to what people SAY and more attention to what they DO. Talk is cheap and pinning your feelings to what may be false promises is pointless. 2. If someone really likes you, you'll know. If you feel unsure, then they're likely not that into you and it's not worth sticking around for.

Being on the spectrum totally makes a difference. I have watch my DS who has ASD traverse relationships. He doesn't understand exactly how he is meant to act as the rules of engagement (sorry can't think of a better phrase!) are new.
If you like him and want to continue, I would have an honest conversation about your expectations and clearly point out that if he doesn't meet them the relationship will not work.
This is an issue that will come up again and again in your relationship should you continue. Lots of people who are autistic make absolutely amazing partners but quite likely the relationship will be different from one with NT people.

So far you've posted with your worries about:

• Whether he mentions his ex-wife too much
• Whether it was OK for him to cancel a date because of the weather
• Being upset because he'd announced he was moving to a city three hours away and hadn't told you
• Being upset/worried that he'd told you in December that he couldn't see you until mid-January
• Worrying about the rescheduling of your first date
• The fact that he wasn't texting you as much after your first date as he had before

None of this points to the relationship being healthy or good for you.

Thanks @KreedKafer it's always great when someone does a deep dive. Feels like OP shaming or something. I see people doing this all the time on these boards. At least two of the things on that list have been discussed and resolved. I take your point. But still.

@BringMeSunshineAllDayLong well this is it - I've never dated someone on the spectrum. He is a wonderful and thoughtful person most of the time. He's a hard and dedicated worker. He also is used to doing things his way because that'd how it's been for a while.

An NT/ND clearly had different challenges and I suppose I don't have any support there as I don't know anyone in a similar relationship. I will address this with him regardless of how things turn out.

As I was reading your posts @Celia24 I ticked off the red flags. I've noted enough to make a good length of bunting...

I suggest you print off this thread and go through it with highlighters, before deciding on how to proceed. I'm hoping you'll see sense and dump him.

He doesn't value you and he's not good for you.

You are not a priority for him.

4 months in should be amazing.

He's just not that into you.

I think he just sounds like he's the sort of person that needs timeout and time to decompress because that's how his brain works.
That doesn't help you though and it sounds like he's quite the opposite of you with that. I'm sure you'd take the chance of getting his sniffles if it meant spending the weekend with him!
If this is how he is then you need to decide if this would be compatible with a decent relationship with him.

He probably seems very appealing at the moment because you are 4months in and having to chase him a bit. Fast forward a year or so to when the novelty has worn off. You will be long past the stage of analysing his personality type and motivations. You will just find his behaviour boring, draining and quite irritating.

Let's lay out the facts .

1 he has been happily texting you about all the fun fun fun things he's been doing all week. No mention of illness.

2 he never asks or suggests anything regarding the upcoming weekend you had previously discussed spending together, after 2 weeks of not seeing each other.

3 when you ask about getting together over Easter, he is suddenly "ill" and burnt out

4 As far as I can tell from your posts, he has not expressed any regret for this, nor remorse for letting you down/disappointing you.

The fact that he's ND is not an excuse for being shit or not being interested or able to meet your needs. ND people should not expect everyone else to compromise for them without accepting that there are things they are going to have to compromise over as well.

I am very sorry to say that he is not that interested in you. I suspect he genuinely likes you, enjoys spending time with you, but is certainly not interested in prioritising you or in any way inconveniencing himself. Please do NOT get sucked into feeling sorry for him because of his ND. He "disclosed" it? What does that even mean? Did he tell you what he struggles with, how he tries to mitigate that, what it means and how you might experience it? Or is it just a handy catch all excuse for treating you shoddily?

Exactly what I was about type! Move on, stop wasting your time on someone who's not that bothered about you !

Oh dear.

Hi OP, you mentioned that your partner is ND and is finishing a PhD. I just wanted to add my experience: I have ADHD and finished a PhD a few years ago. It was awful, the last year of my PhD was by far the worst year of my life and left me in a deep depression from which it took me years to recover. It was really a horrible time, I can’t stress that enough.
I don’t know what your boyfriend is going through but wanted to share my experience with you as it might be relevant. All the best.

I guess this is his quirk...if you want to continue this relationship then you'll have to live with it.

But only you can judge that. People don't really tend to change.

Academia is a pretty weird tense industry right now unfortunately so you'll be getting the emotional spillover....lots of ND people expected to work in a way which is the opposite to the way they're wired up.

Lots of pressure but not much reward, lots of job uncertainty.

Not all sitting around on lawns having intellectual discussions unfortunately!

Quite a lot of relationships seem to be based on the non-academic ending up helping the academic with their work (data collection or typing).

After the PhD it may be another publication, or funding applications...it probably won't stop.

Really is down to you if you can accept and live with the trade-off, positives and negatives.

Oh dear. His behaviour in this post alone is a big red flag (and no, being ND is NOT a good reason for him behaving this way), but if there have been endless additional issues, then you really need to accept he's just not that into you. I'm sorry.

The first few months should be fun and easy. They shouldn't require you to discuss or resolve issues.

You need to read that book, how to be a bitch.

Just block him and find a proper fella

I will address this with him regardless of how things turn out.

^

Don't waste your breath.

It isn’t shaming at all. It’s adding fairly important context.

If you want to continue dating a man who causes you this much worry and uncertainty in the space of just four months, that is completely up to you. It makes no difference to anyone else here. But you ask people for their views and then no response seems to be acceptable to you, except reassurance that everything will be fine. If you post about endless problems with your boyfriend, of course people are going to suggest that he isn’t right for you. But as soon as people give you the advice that you could do a lot better than someone who makes you constantly worried and insecure, you get defensive and offended, despite the fact that people are trying to help.

I think you should make other plans for this weekend and not hang around waiting. Been there, done that, just felt crap in the end. If he does come good I think you should have an honest conversation about how you feel. If he is defensive or brushes you off then you'll know where you stand. If he is serious he'll make an effort to step up. In the meantime try to focus elsewhere

Why does he get everything to be on his terms? Why should it always be you accommodating his needs?

I agree with others saying he’s just not that bothered. When you’re really keen on someone, the last thing you would do is cancel a plan without nailing down another plan. He’s happy to mess you around and waste your time. He may well be ND but this doesn’t have to become your problem.

Tell him it’s not working for you and make so other plans for the weekend.

OP you are turning yourself inside out trying to find some reason, any reason to justify his behaviour and continue this relationship.

You are absolutely right that your needs are important but I can't see you doing anything which suggests you will actually prioritise them.

Its a shame your boyfriend won't put half as much effort into meeting your needs as you do in trying to excuse his behaviour.

Whether he is ND or not is irrelevant - he is not making you a priority and he never will. It your choice if you accept this but don't fool yourself that his behaviour will change.

As an introvert, spectrum, adhd'r. My stress physically manifests itself. If I've had a hard or demanding week I will inadvertantly reach a point where headaches, stomach ache, joint pain and exhuastion come to roost. I AM ill, AND I'm overwhelmed and anxious. This is part of me that I can't change and I am glad to have friends who do their best to understand this aspect of my self. Perhaps having a conversation with him about what may be underlying his illnesses is worth having. Our minds and bodies are linked and learning to accept that and respect that is helpful in coping withit.

Its doesn't sound good-He's probably seeing others, keeping his options open.
Bin him off as others have said.

Trust your innermost gut feelings.

No - why is it OPs responsibility to initiate that conversation and make concessions? The bloke hasn't even acknowledged there is a problem! If she starts now we know exactly what their relationship is going to look like in a few years.