To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

This is how some men operate. Say bye, see ya

Well, relating puts the "relate" in the relationship. Why NOT talk about it? Your advice lends to the sort of gaming and power ploys that play out in relationships that simply aren't necessary. Some people in relationships are better at communicating and part of the relationship is being there for each other as we discover things about ourselves through the way we behave with our partners. I believe in growing together. He may not be receptive, in which case I say throw in the towel, I don't put work into someone who is not willing to think about their behavior, but being the one who brings it up is certainly not a negative thing to do.

I had a brief 'relationship' with a man who sounds just like this.
Mental health issues that I tried to 'help' him with {being understanding }

He was charming when we were together, but then became distant...turned out he was keeping options open {it was a long distance - 4 hrs drive each way- 'relationship'}

He was playing away - he admitted it- but still wanted to carry on with me.. No way.

🗑️🚮 ''Into the bin with him''.

@Frisate and @Pillownights yes he's just coming to the end of his PhD and I understand it's been a long slog. He tells me how difficult it is when we're apart -

But interestingly when we're together he doesn't talk about it. When together he's completely present and seems content. Clearly this isn't the whole story.

As a PP said re headaches and so on, it's often linked to the mind and other stresses.

It sounds like he really enjoys being penpals or text buddies, but not the actual in person part of socialising. Very common in people I know who are on the spectrum.

I doubt he's ever going to transform into a real life boyfriend so you'd be doing yourself a favour by moving on and not stressing over ever cancelled plan/fake illness he comes up with to avoid in person meetings.

I used to get ill a lot, turned out to be quite serious in the end. I was sure everyone thought I was putting it on. .So unless lots of other red flags, I’d hope I’d be more trusting and give him the benefit of the doubt for now - but I’d also tell him that it was my risk to take if I caught his sniffles (or whatever) and that if we were living together naturally you’d catch stuff of each other so not to worry so much!

Here's my take on it - this week he was happy enough to invest his (social battery) energy in other people i.e. the nights out, trips, walks you mentioned. He's done so much this week that he now doesn't enough energy in reserve to see you this weekend.

Ergo, making sure he could see you this weekend was not high on his priorities.

Ergo, this relationship is not meeting your needs.

Call him out on it then you will have your answer. I can’t stand people being flaky. Make alternative plans. Unless he has some kind of anxiety or is dating someone else as well?? That happened to me when a guy was being flaky I think he was weighing up his options. I ended it so he stuck with the other option it seems.

@slippedonabanana I see what you mean.

But it's before this last week we'd spent the last two weekends together. Really lovely days out together and he told me how much he had missed that part of a relationship. So it's definitely not all online

If his previous behaviour had indicated he was genuinely interested in the OPs needs then yes absolutely have that conversation but this isn't the situation here.

It is nothing to do with power games but recognising and responding to the reality in front of you - the reality is that OP is nowhere near a priority for this bloke. I fear that this suggested approach will just perpetuate the OP accepting shit behaviour in a shit relationship.

@Celia24 , this is exactly what I was going to write.
@Therealjudgejudy is spot on here.

Break it off. You don't need to give a reason.

@Celia24 i think the spectrum thing is a red herring if he's still out all the time. I had an ex who was on the spectrum and was just like this. Turns out he was overwhelmed with his study and his diagnosis and wanted to stay home alone all the time. This one just doesnt seem that into you when not around so you can do better.

@Realdeal1 he's not usually very social.

His parents have been visiting and he's been with them for 5 days. But yep, I take your point.

He's not that into you

Has he expressed a single slither of remorse or regret? Because @paparazzied I bet that's the difference between you and this bloke.

I had to cancel on a friend a few weeks ago. I just didn't have it in me I was stressed, overwhelmed, anxious. But I didn't just cancel. I sent her a message explaining why I was cancelling, apologising profusely and asking if she would mind if we rescheduled for a few weeks time.

He's just gone with the super casual,, I don't care approach of "I'm not sure. I might be sick. I'll get back to you." Screams FOMO.

There's been lots of comments about how he might be ill, overwhelmed with socialising etc. and how he's normally nice to spend time with etc.

But what would concern me is this.. "He said... he would see how he feels and let me know".
I'm not sure how far in advance he's cancelled but it seems like maybe nearly a week? Must be quite an illness? Also if its a cold or something, dangers of you catching it more at the beginning than towards the end isn't it?

Its one thing to cancel and to free you to re organise your weekend and other plans.

Its an entirely different thing to say well maybe I will, maybe I won't, but wait around, keep the time free just in case. So that you are hanging on until the last moment in the hope that he will relent or you are left at home thinking, wonder if he'll feel better Saturday, then Sunday, then Monday.. having spent a disappointing and lonely weekend waiting around for His Highness to make his mind up.

That is literally keeping you at his beck and call and That is purely selfish IMHO.

Why are you believing his words and not his actions?

What @whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher said.
Being ND is no reason for him to be too ill to see you but well enough to go on nights out and walks with other people. These are his priorities - friends and families first, then you. Early in a relationship it's usually the other way round.

You are determined to read more into this man’s mild expression of interest and “contentment “ than is really there—or than you want at any rate.

He isn’t the boyfriend for you. He looks like it, maybe, and sometimes talks like it, and is apparently available since he is divorced. But what you and he mean by this is not clear.

Let me tell you I, too, did a PhD and dated my now husband through it. We both made time for each other and maintained a bi coastal relationship (Berkeley to Atlanta) for the last two years of it. If someone is going to be your boyfriend they need to show up—be capable of showing up. My dh doubled up his work and flew out to be with me a week a month in order to be with me. Everyone has limitations: financial, social, physical, time-wise. If you are in a serious relationship you make sacrifices to bring the relationship about.

If he has limited spoons as a disabled person it is all the more incumbent on him to figure out how to parcel them out so he can make and keep plans with you. He doesn’t do that.

So you have seen him for 4 nights in the past 28 days? I would not pursue it. This is as good as can be and will only get worse as your relationships gets more familiar.

get rid.

Why would you want to date someone who isn't obsessed with you?

Is there any movement towards integrating you into his life? Have you visited him on campus or met his friends there, are you able to just meet him or drop in for a coffee at the last minute?

Has he invited you on any of these nights out or walks he's done?

Four months in I agree you should be comfortable hanging out at home and cooking if one of you is ill.

It does sound a bit like he's compartmentalising you into a fallback girl role.

The line about only being interested in serious...that's kept you engaged.

But could it be that he doesn't want the stress of the casual sex scene and wants the nice girlfriend experience without being emotionally committed?

If he's got a professional job role and is childfree and in his 30's he knows he can play the field and have a lot of options.

There are a lot of intellectual softboi types who are very selfish and want to keep their options open and an eye out for the next hot woman (even if they come across like geeky nice guys)

Sorry OP but you're not going to hear what you want on this thread. We're only getting the information from you and it's not positive. Why are you so determined to deflect and defend what you yourself must know deep down?

He isn't making an effort for you, you are rushing about filling in any 'gaps' because you are committed to the idea that you and he have a relationship. Where is he doing that for you? He isn't.

You can convince yourself all you like but it doesn't mean that you can convince other people. This man isn't prioritising you, you feel it and know it but still you cling on. I'm sorry for you because it will be sad for you when the truth of it eventually dawns on you.

I'd give him the slight benefit of the doubt that everyone seems to be ill right now with horrible colds- maybe because we've had a long wet winter.
I think you're picking up on something though that maybe he's not giving you enough and it's so early in the relationship to be feeling like that.

'Sick' is his way of keeping his options open until the last minute. So he tells you days in advance or the night before that he might be sick. While you patiently wait to be told if he can fit you in.

Does it really matter why he does it? Waiting to hear if another woman is free/social anxiety/enjoying having you on tenterhooks/ waiting to see if he actually feels like meeting? At best he pays no heed to how it inconveniences you, at worst he's getting a kick out of that. Bin him.