To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

Stop making him your priority, you’re not his.

Don’t sit around all weekend doing nothing just in case he decides to get in touch.

Go back to the friends/family whatever plans you turned down, say your plans have changed and you’d love to do xyz, then message him back and say you’ll see him another time.

It’s unfair of him to keep you hanging with potentially nothing to do all weekend, make your own choices.

Errors here include:

Thinking of him as your boyfriend
Believing his words instead of his actions
Trying to convince yourself and us there's something to build on in this relationship
Not having binned him off already.

Advice:
Text. 'OK, Got it. Bye.' and block, block, block. If he sends mail, flowers whatever, straight into the bin. Don't read them, don't keep them. He's had sixteen weeks of your precious life. He hasn't made you feel safe and secure. When he's with you, it's all fine. But he isn't often with you, isn't reliable, doesn't prioritise you.
He's not the one. Raise the bar, don't lower it. You are worth more than this.

If he is on the spectrum he more than likely needs time to himself. Maybe ask him if he like to meet for a few hours on bank holiday Monday. That gives him Saturday and Sunday to himself. He should be refreshed by Monday. Also see if any friends are available.

You've only been with him 4 months and he's making a load of excuses not to see you already eg family/phd/ill. This should be the 'honeymoon' phase of wanting to be together. I'd bin him, he's flakey and not that into you sadly.

@Wayk agreed, I think he is burnout from the social time. He's leaving his family and going home today.

So if we meet Monday, that gives him 3 days to himself. To be honest I don't want to start putting the feelers out with friends (yet) when I was prioritising seeing him. I'll see what he says later today.

Obviously everyone can make their own choices but I wouldn’t be sat waiting around waiting to see if someone could muster the energy to see me last minute when I could be seeing my friends.

Op, it’s not the ‘why’ he doesn’t want to meet more often. He just doesn’t. If this is enough for you, then accept it and make your own plans without hanging around to see if he decides he wants to see you. If it isn’t enough, then move on. You keep trying to justify why things are like they are, but whatever the reason - they are.

Why would you prioritise this non-committal boyfriend over your friends who presumably has been there for you reliably for a lot longer? You and your friends should be more important to you than a guy you have been seeing for 4 months who can only see you if everything is perfectly aligned. I wouldn't treat my lovely friends like that ever.

Sounds like a combination of things plus bad timing.
If he's just handed in a PhD he's probably completely burnt out. When i handed mine in I didn't want to see or speak to anyone for a couple of weeks and I got ill because I was so run down.

Doesn't mean you should hang about waiting for him though.

@RoachFish I've seen a lot of my friends in the past week, including a night with my best friend on Tuesday night and a weekend trip with other friends the previous weekend.

Now I want to see my boyfriend 🙂

He is leading you on. He has plans with other people/women. Dump him and do something nice for Easter and tell him to fuck off.

Op Forgive me I am being frank here but the longer you stay the worse this "illness" will get.There are a million and one posters on mumsnet who will tell you the same, who have posted the same. This man is not ill, but what he will do is suck the life out of you subtley. You research the various threads. I will tell you what happens when it starts like this..every big event,every thing important to you will become controlled by him. He will be ill when you are desperate to go to the concert,ill before family come for christmas, ill before you are due to go to a wedding ,on and on it goes like a dementor sucking the joy out of your life. It starts like now and trust me it gets worse.There will always be something come up when you are looking forward to something.I promise you it will. He will always become suddenly.unexpectedly ill just as you are ready to go.Please look through some old posts on here you will see whats happening is laid down by so many other women too. I have no wish to upset you but its a very real thing and so emeshed. Just for the sake of you and your happiness and mental health leave this relationship now. You do not need to experience what will happen further on. I am sorry.

Assuming he's being honest, I'd be worried that he's always going to need time alone. That if we lived togther he'd be squirreled away in his office the whole weekend because he needed it and I'd get the crumbs of his time. It's not that he's doing anything wrong, it's an issue of compatability.

@FortofPud it's a fair question.

He recently said I could work from his place sometimes (as in for multiple days) if I want to. Which I did find encouraging. Can't really say at this stage.

I 'd give you this advice.

In a relationship your needs should be your priority.

That should be at the forefront of your mind. It doesn't matter the reason why something isn't working, just that it isn't working and therefore you don't have to justify your reasons.

That said, when someone discloses that they are ND, they are telling you because it's important. It's a fundamental part of who they are, and although every single person who is ND is unique, there are some underlying elements too, which I suppose could be a degree of difference from the "so-called norm".

Even before you mentioned his ASD I could have guessed this person was ND.
Many people here are saying run for the hills, he doesn't treat you well etc. And if you feel that your needs aren't being met, then you should do that.

However, if you do wish to continue remember that as you wouldn't expect someone with a painful physical disability to be in a relationship where physical prowess and agility were a fundamental part of your relationship, idem someone who is ND is more likely to not be a good fit for someone whose set idea of a relationship is based on rigid expectations.

You don't need a reason to stop seeing someone.
You dont even need to give them a reason why your no longer seeing them.

Agree with others, 4 months in and he is not your priority. Bin him off already, dont waste any more time.

At the very least, he is selfish and precious. I am not sure that either quality is one I would look for in a boyfriend. Move on.

I would message him and tell him you're not going to wait around all weekend for him to 'let you know' and that if he doesn't want to keep to your plans for the weekend, you'll be out and about doing other things. He needs to realise you are not there for him to pick up and put down when he feels like it. Relationships are a 2 way street and he needs to be more considerate of your feelings.

Have some self respect and end the relationship. It is no crime to be single.

Well said @whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher , spot on.

Ok. I think to many people seeing someone/gf + bf relationship is different to a partnership

He's not your boyfriend.

He's someone that you have seen a handful of times.

He is causing you immense angst and overthinking.

Please just stop.

I think maybe you feel like I was criticising you or saying you're unreasonable to want to see your boyfriend, but I'm really not, and I'm sorry if that's how it came across. My point is simply that you obviously both want/need different things. You're not unreasonable to want to see more of your boyfriend at all, but if he doesn't want that, then I think it would be a shame for you to waste your time with someone who will almost certainly continue to disappoint you or flake out at the last minute because he's feeling a tiny bit under the weather.

I question what woman would be happy with this set up even if it does mean incompatibility

I mean, there will be some women who are exactly like your boyfriend is. I'm not saying there are many of them out there, certainly! It doesn't really matter, though, does it, because this is your relationship and what other women might be happy with shouldn't really come into it.

I'm absolutely not saying you're wrong for wanting to see more of your boyfriend. You feel how you feel, and it's reasonable to feel like that. But I don't think you are going to change him, and one of you is always going to be dissatisfied with the way things are. As I said - you've only been dating this man for a very short time. If the relationship was going to work, this would be the honeymoon phase. This doesn't seem to be the only thread you've posted about issues with your boyfriend and the things he does that bother you, either, so it doesn't honestly sound like things are working for you.

He's obviously very, very set in his ways, and clearly doesn't find it easy to compromise or put your needs before his. It doesn't sound like he's hugely self-aware, really. You mention that he's on the autism spectrum so perhaps that's something he can't help - I'm not saying he's a bad man at all. But I think you deserve someone who can be more present in your life, as that's clearly what you want. You aren't asking for a lot from him (as you said, a cuddle from your boyfriend at the end of a hard week isn't exactly an outlandish wish!) but what you are asking for he apparently isn't willing/able to provide

no it isn't the case that I'm lonely when by myself for a weekend

OK - you said in one of your earlier posts that the reason you were annoyed about your boyfriend letting you down isn't just that you won't see him, but also that you've turned down other people which now means you're going to be alone, so I took that to mean that you didn't like to be alone, but I do completely understand that this weekend feels different, for the reasons you set out. I'm a massive introvert myself and I like being alone a lot of the time, but I know that when I have actually psyched myself up for something sociable and have saved my reserves to look forward to seeing friends at the weekend, it can feel shit when plans change.

Have you posted about him before? I’m afraid he just isn’t that into you.

My DH is managing to finish off his PhD, work full time, pull his weight with parenting, see his family but he always make sure we have one quality ‘date night’ time together every week. He is by no means perfect but he wants to spend time with me.

You are not partners. You have only been “together” four months. When you are together he fits the cut out hole you label “boyfriend “ but when you are not he doesn’t—he is more of a text buddy. Neither of these are “the real” him: they both are: nice, nervous, depressed, avoidant, sensitive, sick, etc… are all him. He would be the dame if you lived together. It sounds tedious, to me, always having to put your needs snd plans aside for his sniffles or low battery. But you do you.