To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

@Pillownights If I could give an award for being absolutely spot on I would.

🏆

There are TONS of men like this.
Never heard the term 'softboi' before, but know what one is from your description.

Sensitive, intelligent, and good looking in a 'Safe' way, makes out that they are after a serious relationship, but they have a weather eye out for likely~ looking women...as you say, 30's and child free, and 'sensitive' he is going to be popular.

I bet he is playing the field.

@Pillownights @Celia24
I googled 'Softboi' and here he is in all his glory!

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/sep/05/softboi-what-is-it-instagram-q-and-a

My ex bought a house, planned a wedding. and held down a full time job while he was completing a his PhD. The real answer is if he really wanted to see you he would - even if it’s a coffee of a spag Bol. in front of a repeat of Morse on a Saturday night. They are there because they want to be. He doesn’t want to be. Not enough anyway. Did you meet him online? If so, I bet he hasn’t come off the dating site and he’s still meeting up with people. You’re the fallback girl.

I'm going to wait and see what he says later before drawing any more conclusions.

Yeah I read that softboi article when it came out actually. I've said in this thread he has autism so it's not straight forward.

We've both been cheated on in previous relationships and have said we're monogamous. People are free to suggest otherwise but I absolutely don't believe he's cheating or dating others. I have been cheated on by guys that were two faced and had a gut instinct every time.

He asked me to meet his parents this summer which I haven't given him a reply to yet. I really don't think he'd be bothered if this was the case.

If he is coming to the end of his PhD is he planning to stick around or go back to his home country as I assume his student visa will run out. Is it worth all this angst over someone who might not even be in the country soon. If you think he is flaky now, imagine what he would be like in a long distance relationship - you will plan to go and see him, book flights etc, and you'll get a message the day before with him cancelling because he is feeling tired or whatever.

I know a lot of people are saying drop him, but as you say, you’ve only been together 4 months, and he’s an introvert. A new relationship can be tiring as you’re still getting to know each other and trying to show the best of yourselves, and if he’s under a lot of pressure finishing his phd he might just need a little me time to decompress and reenergise by himself and doesn’t feel he can say that to you yet.

Maybe see if you can get together one afternoon of the bank holiday, and otherwise make plans with your friends. Don’t stress, I don’t think you’ve reason to write him off just yet.

If you have to tell him (or yourself) anything it could be that he’s just too sickly for you. You have to be cruel to be kind (to yourself).

This.

Dump him - you aren't a priority to him and you should be.

You seem to be ignoring all the advice on this thread. Why subject yourself to this type of relationship? It will only cause problems later on. Better to nip it in the bud now. Stop wasting your energy into someone who clearly does not see you as a priority.

A relationship four months old should be completely different. This is the honeymoon phase where you can't wait to see each other and spend time together. My advice is to end things pronto!

OP, you are tying yourself in knots to explain his behaviour and determined to focus on what he says (future plans etc) rather than how he behaves.

It is of course up to you but I really don't think he is terribly interested. He will hang around for a while as you clearly like him regardless of how little time and effort he spends on you, but ultimately he will drift off, leaving you kicking yourself for having wasted weeks/months desperately trying to understand him, his motives, his feelings etc when all there really is to say is that he probably likes you a little but not an awful lot and he is most certainly not spending any amount of time analysing your thoughts and feelings about him.

She really wants it to work. All the stuff about his introversion and his PhD and his ASD are signs she thinks he is special and elusive. The harder he makes her work, the more unavailable he is, the more she wants to bag him. She keeps “explaining “ to us that his ASD/illness/hard work excise everything he does (or doesn’t do) and she expects us all to recognize that these special features mean we can’t judge him (or their special relationship!) by our tired old rules.

'When they show you who they are, believe them'. It's good advice. Neither of you are wrong and I expect in reality he's a decent bloke but this is going to be your life going forward. It's up to you to decide whether the nice bits outweigh the crap. For me they wouldn't and you do deserve better.

OP - even if you are right about all of his "problems" - is this the sort of life you want for yourself and any children you may have?

If so - go right ahead, lie down at his feet and let him wipe his boots on you.

X-post @neilyoungismyhero

Why would you want to accept this now? It's a few months in - can you only imagine how shit your life will be as it will only get worse?! If he can't give you what you need now he never will.

Dump and move on.

At the very least it's bad timing, for him to embark on a relationship when in the final throes of a PhD.

If you met by accident and had an instant mutual attraction, it's unfortunate but just one of those things. This is a hugely stressful time for him, and migraines and colds do come with that territory. So if you felt a deep connection, you could maybe, cautiously, cut him a bit of slack. Still rather a red flag that he hasn't raised or discussed it with you though.

If you met online, ie he was actively seeking a partner, then he's either very selfish and using you, or lacks basic emotional intelligence. None of which points to a happy future together.

My own feeling is... walks like a duck, talks like a duck... is pretty much your basic duck.

Agree with everything@Pillownights says. By this stage he should be introducing you to his friends, wanting to care for you, looking for things you can do together to make up for not being available. Beware of 'intellectual softboi types'!!

@ANiceCuppaTeaandBiscuit yes he's been working on this PhD for a long time and it's just ending. So it is a factor. Appreciate the other perspectives thank you.

All thanks for the advice so far - going to come off the thread just now and see what he says later. To all the people saying I'm ignoring the advice, I'm not. When a person comes to mumsnet it's usually with one specific gripe. I was just posting the nicer bits too for context as there's s lot of that as well.

I come first so in the end I'll make the right decision. Will see what he says tonight when we talk and go from there.

Another on target analysis..🎯
This is exactly where he wants OP to be.

The 'Fall back' girl, the one whom he emails or phones {or both} every day, while not being fully committed.
Th scaring one whop bends over backwards to be helpful and kind and understanding to such a sweet, sensitive soul as 'Softboi' - they used to be called ''Dickheads'' in my era..

As here:

I think it warrants a real, honest, bottom-line chat with him in the next week about what you both want from this. Four months into my relationship with my now-DH (together 10 years now) we literally couldn’t wait to see each other and just had loads of fun when we were together. We initially lived 2 hours away from each other and I even remember him schlepping through to see me when he was ill, bless him.

He asked me to meet his parents this summer which I haven't given him a reply to yet.

Sorry OP, this just doesn't ring true. You're the one bending yourself into a pretzel trying to fit in with his flakiness, not wanting to see you, or not managing it somehow, which is totally incongruous with a request to meet his parents and you failing to give an answer.

You come across as trying very hard to fit in, make his life easier and are/were happy to wait around for him. What's changed?

You've only mentioned autism now but, if he can understand the requirements to complete a PhD, he can surely fathom his feelings for someone he actually cares for?

If you like to make excuses for him then carry on. You felt strongly enough to post this thread yet you valiantly defend any and all posts that validate you. Sad.

Find your self respect and dump him

This isn’t a relationship. You have no idea what he’s up to when he’s pretending to be ill. Not a chance I’d be hanging around all weekend for a crumb. I agree with sacking him off and getting out there.

He is just not that 'into you'. Epic phrase which helped me enormously.

It probably does make a difference in the sense that his downtime needs ( ie away from everyone) might be greater than yours. You said it doesn’t “ justify” not seeing you at all this weekend but patently it does for him. In any case, what’s the point of forcing someone to see you? You’ve no realistic option but to park it for Easter and try ( right away) to reinvigorate the other plans. Make further decisions on the relationship at another point , but gif this weekend there’s nothing to be gained by forcing the issue. It may be you just aren’t suited if you differ in the time you seek to be together, as four months in many people would be in that can’t bear to be apart phase - which he clearly isn’t.

Isn't that a line from ''Women who love too much '' or some other book on relationships?

I remember that live from somewhere ''He's just not that into you''- it's as if they like a nice 'safe' woman to speak to and use as a sounding board, but they are just after their freedom to see others..and the ''Monogamous'' line is worn smooth with use by these types.

They are absolute head~fuckers with blowing hot and cold.

Another line the one I knew was ''I can't stand people who play games''...yet he was the biggest game player of all.