To doubt he's actually 'sick' again in time for our Easter plans?

[Celia24]

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months but meetings haven't been as frequent as I'd like because he was finishing a PhD. Sometimes we'd skip a weekend because he'd need to keep his head down.

Another weekend he was sick so we rescheduled. We've seen each other more lately although last weekend the night before we were due to meet he said he had a migraine. He didn't cancel although I half expected him to.

We then planned to meet at Easter because neither of us could meet last weekend (both on trips with friends/family).

When I broached the subject of our plans this weekend, he said he was ill and didn't want to pass it to me but would see how he feels and let me know. Yet before I mentioned our plans he was sending daily photos of nights out and walks he was on every day, with no mention of illness. I feel paranoid which isn't me at all!

I have the whole weekend off and feel sad that I'll 1) I might not see him and 2) be alone the whole time because I turned down other plans.

You don’t have to say ‘I think you’re faking it’ why would you say that?? Simply say it isn’t working for you 🤷‍♀️

I think he keeps you as a spare option. If no other activities present themselves and he feels bored he will spend time with you. Of course then he is Mister Perfect because he doesn't want you to break up with him. There might be other week-ends in the near future he might feel alone. Good heavens girl, what are you thinking???

He’s ’just not that into you.’ Not meant to be offensive. I’ve been in that position myself. Throw this one back. 🌺

It's very possible you're just a fallback for him but you're not seeing it as you have such a selection of excuses ready for him such as he's doing a PhD, is sickly, has ASD etc.

He's finishing a PhD which is very intense.
He's been away with his family all weekend - also very intense.
I actually think I'd want a weekend to myself in that case.

And you haven’t seen him more than once in five weeks ……But it will have been 2 weeks since we last met this weekend and then a further 3 after that….
So effectively in four months you’ve barely met up at all?

I’m glad you’re meeting up now. It’s encouraging that when you suggested Mo day he countered with Sunday. It suggests he didn’t want to wait!

He literally told you his social battery was low after spending a week on holiday with his family.

He is totally into you. He also needs to recharge after being around people.

I also get peopled out - it makes me tired, I get headaches, back ache and need to chill like a zombie. I totally get where he is coming from. My advice for Sunday is to let him take the day at his pace. Don’t put too much pressure on doing stuff, going places or having intense conversations. Just keep it easy. Have fun x

It’s encouraging that when you suggested Monday he countered with Sunday. It suggests he didn’t want to wait!

Eh, no...... he did it because he could. To show her that he is charge, knowing that she'd jump to attention and comply with each and every one of his demands and preferences.

He says JUMP and she asks 'how high?'..... It's very sad to see a grown woman pretzeling herself in this way.

As someone who is doing a PhD and who has had a similar experience while studying (at school) with a boyfriend, my thoughts are he is likely very stressed and simply needs the space to think. However, it's also possible he's not as in to you as you are in to him. When I was studying for exams, my boyfriend at the time constantly wanted to meet with me and we would usually just chill out but I was desperate to pass so I would turm him down. I did actually want to see him but had to prioritise exams. He got weird and started stalking me at my home, waiting in the dark outside my window. I guess he a)wanted to check I wasn't lying - which I obviously wasn't and b) wanted to see me. I had to tell my dad to go out and shoo him away, safe to say it didn't last after that. My point is, if your boyfriend is under stress, which he will be given the demands of the phd the last thing he will want is pressure to meet when he already has enough pressure from his studies.

Do you know his address?

If no, major red flag.

If yes, pop round unannounced with Lemsip etc. If you knock the door to be greeted by a) an empty house or b) a women and children bin him. Make sure the neighbours know who you are.

I can tell you that my ex-partner did this to me at the start of our relationship. I got all paranoid and was stalking him on Facebook and everything, which is so unlike me. Two years on of similar treatment I realised he is a complete narcissist and was testing to see if I would just hang around waiting for him. He would often cancel plans at the last minute. He even stood me up on Christmas day. Now I'm not saying your boyfriend is a narcissist, but I will say don't just put your life on hold waiting around for him to confirm plans. Make your other plans. Also, trust your instincts. If your gut says it's not right, listen to it. If he's showing you by his actions that you are not a priority in his life, take heed.

Smell the coffee.
When you really want to see someone, you'll find a way to be with them.
Even if you're sick. You just want to be close and look after the other person. Seriously you'd rather be cooped up with the sick person than do anything else.
That is honestly the rawest truth you'll ever hear.
Everything else is excuses.
Whoever it is, who is avoiding you, is just not that into you.
Not into you enough to last a lifetime.
When you meet your life partner - you'll just want to spend time together.
Above everything else.
Go girl! Ditch the loser. Find someone better.

He really shouldn't be trying to meet women and date if its that intense. If he's working on the PhD, and can't see her, fine. However its been multiple excuses since they've started seeing each other. At Christmas there was a period of 4 weeks with no date, again fine if they are both fine with it, but she isn't.

I don’t think that is a good idea. He has made it clear he wants space. Going round to his house uninvited would probably annoy him.

Yes I think some posters are being a bit reductionist about his behaviour . If he’s doing a phd it’s far more likely he’s stressed and exhausted than two-timing. Not everyone lives the same life. A phd leaves little time when you aren’t mentally involved in it at some level. It’s very different from a 9 to 5 job.

Me too.

Been here before in the relationship I'm still in 8 years later. This "you should be his priority" stuff is nonsense. Everyone should be their own priority for the sake of safeguarding their own mental state. There were times in the first few months of my relationship where I needed a weekend alone and told my partner as much. They understood. It's not about playing games or "not being into you", it's about the fact that I had to think of my own wellbeing, and that meant some downtime and peace and quiet.

I've never understood relationships where both parties are constantly in each other's hair, but that's because I'm not that sort of person and I don't need perpetual company and attention in order to be comfortable in a relationship. Different people function in different ways, so naturally their relationship needs will be different.

"would be nice" and "absolutely essential" are worlds apart. Sure, it's always nice to see my partner, but if it's absolutely essential to me to have some quiet alone time, then that's the priority. It doesn't mean I don't care, and it's not about playing games.

Actually my DH used to get sick every bloomin' holiday weekend when he was doing his PhD. He'd relax and get every bug going. He also used to get sick on weekend breaks and in cottage holidays.

I know he was actually sick because I'd be looking after him! PhDs are horribly exhausting and wipe people out. If he's not genuinely sick, he's probably just completely exhausted and in no state to socialize.

Sorry but from what you said he is just trying to get out from seeing you. Maybe someone else gave him a maybe and you are his back up.

So people doing phds can't have partners?

Go with your gut.

People who don't have any spare time no

I’m not sure that’s the case so much as people in relationships with phd candidates - particularly as they near the end- need to understand it is a different routine from an office job, and weekends are not necessarily less affected than weekdays. Makes up for the much more flexible lifestyle at the beginning/ early months of the process! Very often people in relationships with phd candidates are heavily involved in the academic world themselves where this sort of pattern is well known.

My eyes misread that at first. I read “ I had to tell my dad to go out and shoot him” 🤣

I really think these sorts of posts are just thinking at a different level from where this guy is at.

I think he is juggling the coming together of a lot of academic material, general stress and exhaustion as well as potentially a need for social battery recharge due to his asd diagnosis - which all fits with what he has articulated to OP.

The final months of a PhD are a time when many people withdraw anyway. If he’s in fact juggling another relationship while trying to keep OP dancing on the hot plate for when he’s ready for a second course, or game- playing with power trip psychology he’s the first final year student I’ve ever met who could be bothered with all of that nonsense while bringing the thesis together.

Yes @Calliopespa everything you say seems accurate! He's been suffering with headaches quite a bit and I think it's sort of his body suddenly being able to rest (or nearly able) after a constant period of hard work

Anyway we have a really nice time planned now - thoughtfully planned by him and taking my ideas into account. I'm really looking forward to our time together

In a way maybe I'll get an insight into how things will really be once this time passes and the PhD is properly put of the way.