Not wanting kids out of laziness?

[Cadl]

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

This.
I felt similarly to you and I made myself less scared by thinking of all the childcare I would use, I’d be “that sort of mum”, a bit glamorous and adored but busy with my own life.
Then I became a parent and discovered that, er, I was a parent! Sorry it sounds so basic but that’s the only way I can describe it.
Now I have two and I absolutely love it. Deeply meaningful and challenging every day in good ways. I am so proud of having done it and having grown into being a parent.

😬 I can safely say life with children is extremely repetitive. Far, far more repetitive than what you describe here. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I like seeing my DC enjoy themselves and the majority of kids thrive on routine/predictability…so football, gymnastics, seeing grandparents and going to the local park makes up 95% of our weekends. The height of excitement is a birthday party somewhere we haven’t been before 😂 It’s fine, overall this is a short phase of life and I am happy to do it for my DC. But it certainly is extremely repetitive and lacking in much ‘selfish’ enjoyment for myself.

100% this.

My male cousin said that him and his wife grew bored/were unfulfilled with living inner city going to museums, art galleries, restaurants, traveling to wineries on the weekends, so they just decided to have a baby.

Well they were right about something- they won't have a spare minute to be bored, but much of it is very repetitive.

ETA- I love being a Mum.

Op, give yourself time. You will know.

My Dc are grown so I am back to going to museums, restaurants and travelling. You do eventually get that back.

And when they are grown most people are at least 50-60. Perceptions and attitudes change. Of course parents still go to these things. But the circumstances do change.

I don't think this is laziness at all. I have two children and they are adults now/nearly adult anyway. And the world is a different place than it was when I had them. The UK was not like it is now. I find myself sorry (not for having them but) that this country is where they come from, and just about every single thing is harder for them that it was for us at the same age. It's harder than it would have been two decades ago.

Being a parent is hard, a lot of the time, or some of the time. Money, childcare, extended family are all things to negotiate. As someone else said, the nuclear family has done for parenting. If people have a great parents still in good health and willing to help, that's amazing - I have friends who have this and god what a difference it makes. We struggled but got by with nursery care, but I don't think we could do it now, financially.

Now I can travel a bit, work more, and do basically what I want; and I adore my kids and we get on, but at the same time, they still live with us, won't go too far away to study because of financial reasons. Part of me would love to be an empty nester, at least in term time. I worry that their independence is at risk (the pandemic didn't help them spread their wings). I look at online dating stories and think, who the fuck wants that to be how they meet people, what a disaster for their generation. I just feel so sorry for them (I don't tell them this though).

I feel very old writing this but I think if you are in a position to make the decision not to have kids (because you don't necessarily want them! and your partner ditto!) then go for it. You have every right to do that. I don't think this country has a brilliant future ahead and I feel sorry I've kind of inflicted it on my own children, if that makes sense.

My perception is that some do get it back and some don’t. Some people are paying for uni/supporting young adults still living at home. Some people get tied down/wrapped up in grandchild care. Some people have simply got out of that mindset of wanting to travel etc and never get it back.

Part of the issue is I would have zero help from parents. Dad was 40 when he had us and mum was 37. Mum is “fit” enough but dad is house bound. Mum’s had a tough life so should enjoy her retirement with holidays, days out etc imo.

And this is the reason i would never date a man with kids even if the kids are grown up. Because grandparents (but come on we all know it means the grandmothers) are being increasingly expected to do childcare so a step grandmother could easily find herself in a situation where she is doing regular childcare for her partners grandkids

Not always. My dad is a grandad does a lot more than my mum.

I had a baby with a man with grown up kids (and who now have a kid themselves) and they babysit for me. It cuts both ways.

You've thought about it and come to this conclusion so of course it's right for you. It isn't a prerequisite to have children, many of my friends don't and certainly have more freedom and control over their lives and what they want to do. Xx