Not wanting kids out of laziness?

[Cadl]

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

It's not laziness. It's a decision, that is yours to make

Honestly the last 24 years of raising children - with two more to go have been emotionally and financially gruelling. I wouldn't change it for world but that doesn't change the fact that's it has been hard work.

Good for you for considering yourself first. More women should do this.

I understand completely. You don't need to have children. It's not the one reason why we are on on the planet.
I'm fully with you re the ED side, I'm extremely fearful of gaining weight and my body changing, and the act of gestation and giving birth.
If you change your mind in future, you can do it either naturally or adopt etc.
Many people feel more comfortable in their late 30s- early 40s and it might become feasible. If not then no problem. I feel mentally better but still don't want kids.
Focus on the things you do enjoy right now.

In theoretical conversations DF and I have said it would be best for me to be a SAHM when the time comes. But I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. I was on gardening leave for 2 months a few years ago and it was catastrophic for my mental health. The monotony was awful. I remember time was marked by certain daily events - ie the getting out of the hoover, putting the lock on after DF left for work. And I would get a panicked feeling like shit another day of the same shit.

And ofcourse after most break ups the children end up with the woman putting even further restrictions on your life .

I am aware 50/50 and other such arrangements exist but they are still in the minority.

It's fine not to want children! As everyone else has said.

I can't help but wonder if someone has made you feel as if you should feel you want children? Because - forgive me - honestly, saying you cradled your teddies aged 14 because 'the hormones were flowing' is weird. Who on earth told you that?!

IME we live in a society where there is huge pressure on women to equate happiness with having kids, and little girls are often made to feel as if they're destined to be mothers.

To me, you don't sound lazy at all. You do sound a bit overwhelmed by what you think having children might be like (and bear in mind: it really doesn't need to be like that). But if you honestly have a gut feeling you don't want children, then FFS, don't have them!

It’s totally fine to not want to be a SAHM. I was a much happier, well balanced parent (and wife, friend, daughter, sister etc) when maternity leave ended and I went back to work. I didn’t and couldn’t cope well without an identity other than ‘mum’ and for me, a lot of my identity is tied up in my job. It’ll be different for others.

I would advise anyone having a baby to plan to go back to work and only consider being a SAHP when the baby is here and you’ve been a parent for a while. Much easier to do it that way than give up your job and really regret it.

Everytime I was broody, I did a school run with my CM friend. No kids now.

You can choose not to have children for whatever reason you want and you don't have to justify it.

I have a 16yo and am far lazier than you sound. I don't do school runs or any of that any more and I don't go to the gym often!

It's your life, you don't have to have kids

There’s some exceptionally lazy people who have managed to have kids, not all parents are good ones who put their children before their own lazy needs.

@Cadl Im almost 51 im child free by choice and ive never regretted it. And it was because i didnt want the drudgery and hard work. If thats lazineess........so be it.

Secure your own seatbelt first, always. This is not about laziness, this is about your mental health needs not being compatible with the challenges that motherhood brings. Totally understandable.
Too many women ignore their own personal needs to the detriment of the children they go on to have, because "that's just life." It is if you don't think...

Does your fiancé want them or does he feel the same as you?

If you're both on the same page then live your lives together and enjoy!

There's space to change your mind in a few years which you might do. (Again, if partner's open to change to)

Lazy doesn't come in to it, it's your life.

Not having kids is not lazy. Having no or only one child is the best thing you can do for the environment. You‘ve written a lot about your problematic mental health and how kids would effect YOU but have you considered how it could affect your kids? Would you be a good mother/good example?
I‘m not against having kids, i have 2. But i think that not having kids is a very good choice, too. I know lots of childfree coupkes who are very happy with their choice. It should, however, be discussed before marriage!
kids are exhausting(but also great) and being a SAHM is boring and lonely at times and postpartum depressions can be really bad. Pregnancy can be hard on people with disordered eating, too.

I have 3 kids, love them like crazy but can totally see how this life isn't for everyone!!! You don't sound lazy at all, you sound very logical.

The only time a decision not to want to parent should be called lazy is when you’re already a parent.

You don't sound lazy. You also don't sound like you'd cope well with having kids.

I've got one, and the affect on your life is immense. I love him to pieces and he's dreamy, and he's a pretty easy kid - he's 2.5 and we've yet to have many tantrums, he's very happy and sociable, and generally he doesn't give me much trouble. But it is hard. He goes to nursery two days a week and it's a battle to get everything done. 5pm - 7pm are a mad rush to get him fed/changed/played with/calmed down ready to go to sleep. Bedtime often takes 20 minutes but sometimes takes an hour. He can sleep for 2 hours or for 7.

We've travelled a lot with him, but it's hugely different to before kids. We now need to find food in kid-friendly places, look for playgrounds, carry pushchairs, etc. It's lovely to take him to different places and he's always up for a chat and an explore, but it's very different to how carefree and us-centered travel was before him!

I'm lucky that DH has taken a good role in parenting, too. He has massively helped me to be able to go back to work, and he has done more than his fair share of nappies, as well as washing/washing up/etc. I'm self-employed, and started doing some work again at 10 weeks, and by six months was doing some big projects on-location - DH came with us and looked after DS in the day, bringing him to me every three hours and waiting outside for 20 minutes so I could feed DS and then bring him back out (he couldn't get security clearance to come in the building). He's been a brilliant help. If your DF seemed the same, it would reduce the load on you, although probably not enough for what it sounds like you need - and it also sounds unrealistic that he'd step up to that level, from what you've said. It's tough going. DH and I had always felt that the woman's career shouldn't necessarily be the one taking the hit.

I don't think it's lazy to know that life with children isn't for you. If anything, I think it's smart. I know some lovely women who just made the wrong call, and while they obviously love their children, you can tell that they were happier before, and they struggle with how life is now. That's a really difficult place to be.

Having kids is a massive slog and massively time consuming, you can't be lazy and be a decent parent. I don't recommend you have them if I'm honest.

If you really wanted kids, this change to your lifestyle wouldn’t bother you, so there’s your answer. I got bored of going out when I was ready for kids.

I have 2 under 10 and work full time in senior role and it’s fine . I don’t feel particularly stressed. But it gets harder as kids progress- the school and wraparound admin is huge- whereas the nursery years were comparatively easy (but way more expensive).

I don’t have much personal time but parents of only children can tag team it and carve out lots of personal time. I know parents who go off on holiday alone leaving the one child with other parent. It’s less palatable to do that with 2 children+ as harder work

I definitely have the biological urge to bring life into the world. The best bits of parenthood seem blissful and daydreaming about them does give me a warm feeling. But I know I don’t really have it in me to cope with the slog. And I wish I did.

It’s definitely not laziness. It’s recognising that there are a lot of things in your life that you’d have to give up if you had kids, and you don’t want to do that. It’s a valid and sensible way to feel.

I’m going against the grain. Life isn’t about happiness and ease, it’s about living a life of meaning and fulfilment.

Honestly, it sounds like your mental health is precarious and having DC is well known to add extra stress and pressure. I think the thought you are giving all this is very sensible and actually you shouldn't go ahead until you know more

Says who? An easy and happy life is a wonderful thing to aspire to. And who says kids are a guaranteed way to fulfilment?

Yanbu, it's good that you are questioning the reality of it. I don't enjoy parenting. I really feel it sucked the life out of me and feels like I'm just existing from day to day. I cope because I've hired a nanny even though I am a sahm. I love my dc so much but the reality is that it is very, very hard.