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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting kids out of laziness?

212 replies

Cadl · 27/03/2024 18:31

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

OP posts:
PickledMumion · 27/03/2024 18:54

There's absolutely no reason you should have children. It really is very hard work at times!

But if you want children, and are scared of the burden, then I would say that managing one child between two competent, equally invested parents, is actually very manageable. The hardest parts don't last long, and there is a lot of joy (although the minutes of slog do outweigh the minutes of joy at certain ages!)

nadine90 · 27/03/2024 18:55

It’s signing yourself up for decades of unpaid hard work, unforeseen challenges, your happiness and well-being depending on the happiness and well-being of your kids, housing, clothing, food, holidays etc costing you 3-10x more. I think you should really want a child and be willing to make all of the above sacrifices, plus the ones you’ve mentioned and many more. I would not judge anyone who chooses not to have children as lazy but as sane (and I don’t mean that as an offence to parents, I am one) xxx

Airdustmoon · 27/03/2024 18:58

WoodiesTennis · 27/03/2024 18:52

I get you OP. But I found that the drudge work was bearable because I loved my children and wanted the best for them. I wouldn't have tolerated the sleep deprivation, weekday dinners etc etc for anyone but my children.

That's not to say it wasn't a right pain sometimes - it really was. But my love for them made it worth it and got me through.

Incidentally, I loved the school run - it was a really sociable time and I made lots of friends there. Kids now grown up and they're still my friends now! So it's not all bad.

This. I loved my pre-child life but my DS is so bloody awesome and I love him so much that I don’t feel like I’m making a huge sacrifice for him. I only have one and I think that makes a big difference to getting your own life back - my DS is now 8 and he’s very little trouble and in fact, awesome company a lot of the time. Things seem a lot more chaotic for my friends who have more than one, and you’re stuck in the baby/toddler years for longer of course.

I would say that with a history of eating disorders you would need to be very careful to have good support around you - having a baby is overwhelming and even someone like me with no prior history of mental health issues found it hugely challenging to begin with, especially the lack of control. But it’s doable with good support systems.

Umpapapa · 27/03/2024 19:06

I felt similar in terms of am I too lazy to have kids but in my experience once you have them the love you have and innate responsibility for their well being drives you forward to do the things you feel you don't have capacity to do. I also found an inner strength I am now so proud of. It is hard work and sometimes I just want a day to myself but my life has been elevated by the experience of having children and being a mum and gives me things to look forward to in the day to day. It's one of those things you'll never know how you take to it til you have them but then the choice is gone. Don't need to justify your decision as long if it's truly what you want

Comedycook · 27/03/2024 19:08

Any reason or no reason is fine for not having kids. It's exhausting and relentless.

susansaucepan · 27/03/2024 19:09

Honestly just live your life . Make sure to have a decent pension , investments and savings for old age and an enjoy your life .

Having kids is great and you will undoubtedly love them once they are here.
However, they are absolutely, categorically exhausting and anyone who tells you they are not is probably not as hands on with their kids as they think .

Even if you work your socks off to be able to employ a nanny , finding a good one is like gold dust as I found out the hard way (there are a lot time wasters out there)

Comedycook · 27/03/2024 19:09

I mean I don't do loads of things out of laziness...😂

Original poster
Cadl · 27/03/2024 19:09

@nadine90 It’s signing yourself up for decades of unpaid hard work, unforeseen challenges, your happiness and well-being depending on the happiness and well-being of your kids, housing, clothing, food, holidays etc costing you 3-10x more. I think you should really want a child and be willing to make all of the above sacrifices, plus the ones you’ve mentioned and many more. I would not judge anyone who chooses not to have children as lazy but as sane (and I don’t mean that as an offence to parents, I am one) xxx

This! Seems like such a massive risk.

OP posts:
tulippa · 27/03/2024 19:11

Is this pure laziness? No not at all. Kids are hard work and you are under no obligation to have any. You sound fulfilled and happy - why change that?

Flapearedknave · 27/03/2024 19:12

I think a lot would feel the same if they were honest with themselves.

Spoonthief · 27/03/2024 19:12

Laziness is a perfectly valid reason for not having kids.
No need to justify to anyone.
Do what you feel is right for you.

I was like you from around 28 then when I got to 36 changed my mind and had 2 in quick succession !

Just enjoy life for now and don’t overthink it.
Its ok to not want kids.

Original poster
Cadl · 27/03/2024 19:12

Quizine · 27/03/2024 18:41

Better for the planet anyway, and you do not have to justify yourself to anyone. I agree with you that having children is a slog day in day out and all their lives I suppose. But it works like a dream for the majority of people notwithstanding all the hard work involved!

Are you and your fiance in agreement about no children? That would be quite important.

Fiancé does not interact with kids in any capacity, not even his cousins’ kids. But when we got together we both said children were what we wanted eventually.

Incidentally he’s amazing with our dog (not an easy rescue).

OP posts:
HappyMuma · 27/03/2024 19:13

It’s not laziness, you’re just very aware of your own thoughts and feelings on the subject, I wish more people were before deciding to have children!!

Easipeelerie · 27/03/2024 19:14

You’re right to recognise how hard it is, and it continues when they’re adults because you still have to worry and to provide some level of support. Also you can’t guarantee they’ll be warm and loving and give back to you.
Enjoy your life as it is. It sounds like it’s set up just right for you.

Ohffsbarbara · 27/03/2024 19:15

It doesn’t sound like laziness - more you are enjoying your life and don’t fancy changing it.

You may well find you’ll feel differently in 5 years time though when it becomes crunch time.

Im a mum but don’t judge anyone who doesn’t have dcs - I think it’s perfectly understandable!

MrsEllenGriswold · 27/03/2024 19:15

Please don't feel lazy for not wanting kids. It’s your choice and you must do what is right for you.

Gingernurt88 · 27/03/2024 19:15

YANBU and aren't lazy

SplitFountainPen · 27/03/2024 19:17

It sounds like you hit the hormonal broody stage early and are past that now and able to rationalise and prioritise differently.
It'd be silly to have kids unless you very strongly want them.

Flufferblub · 27/03/2024 19:18

You don't have to have kids if you don't want to. I really wanted kids when I was young, and it has been really hard and relentless of course. I always wanted children, and I never had a higher education or career or anything like that. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing anything really. I didn't have anything to give up. I was never sociable any way, I never had a great figure or good looks. I'm happy now to be looking at life as my kids are growing older. Coming out the other side of school runs, and enjoying their company as young people. Seeing them go off to do their own things. I say this as a parent of a child with SEN and learning difficulties. Who knows how independent he'll be or if he'll ever be able to move out?

Any way, enjoy your life and only have kids if you really really want them is my advice. Because it's definitely full on, time consuming and life changing.

Original poster
Cadl · 27/03/2024 19:20

It’s odd because the prospect of holding my sleeping baby in my arms is dreamy.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 27/03/2024 19:20

If there was a way to experience the day in day out existence of having children without actually having your own, ie avoiding any emotions attached to your own children, lots and lots of people would chose not to have them. It’s not laziness. It’s having a good grasp on your personal priorities.

Yahyahs22 · 27/03/2024 19:20

I think it's extremely smart of you to think about the cons, most just think oooh baby! So good for you. Only have kids when you're ready to sacrifice your life, because that's what it is if you're a good parent, and it sounds like you would be

NoCloudsAllowed · 27/03/2024 19:23

I honestly think having kids is a net neutral thing - it takes away a huge amount, also gives a huge amount. You'd gain a lot of joy along with the slog.

But you don't need to justify a decision not to have kids. 7 years in, tbh I am looking forward to the days I can decide when to get up, what to do with my evenings as well. Prob at least 10 years off.

VivaVivaa · 27/03/2024 19:24

Cadl · 27/03/2024 19:20

It’s odd because the prospect of holding my sleeping baby in my arms is dreamy.

What about holding your colicky, refluxy baby in your puke covered arms who’s been screaming solidly for 2 hours? Maybe thats a bit of a dick move, but that was my reality of newborn life. Worth considering all possibilities.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 27/03/2024 19:25

I probably didn't think through having kids as well as you have. I thought I was just supposed to. I didn't realise how time consuming and expensive having a baby was. So although I love my DD to death, if I had my time again, I would probably have...got a dog instead. DD is an awesome kid, she does me proud, but I am not a natural mother, and that's on me.

You are giving this very careful thought and I think that's a good thing. It really doesn't matter to anyone else what you decide. Do what's best for you.