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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not wanting kids out of laziness?

212 replies

Cadl · 27/03/2024 18:31

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

OP posts:
bojee · 27/03/2024 21:27

OP I am with you on this, I have nieces and a nephews and while I love them if I've been looking after them all day / weekend I am just so frazzled by the time I hand them back over. I just feel so glad that isn't my life!

I think I would be a good mum but I feel like my husband and I can give ourselves really nice life and if we had kids we wouldn't be able to do that anymore and we wouldn't be able to give that same standard of living to a child, never mind being able to ensure they had a good standard of living when they were older. I don't think its lazy its just being realistic. I'm also quite introverted and like a lot of time on my own, something not conducive to having small children. I also think motherhood does change women, not in a bad way but its just not what I want for myself.

Like you OP the only time I ever felt "broody" was as a young teenager but since then I've never felt that pull.

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/03/2024 21:28

JenniferBooth · 27/03/2024 21:03

There is that assumption again that all child free must be rich. I live in a small one bedroom social housing flat. There are a few working class child free women about

In my case I had a career when I got pregnant and I'm still in that same job. It pays OK but I know I'd be at least a couple more steps up the ladder if I hadn't worked p/t for the last 12 years and had more time to focus on career goals. So yes of course being child free doesn't always equal increased wealth but in my case I'd be earning more and spending less on day to day expenses if I didn't have kids.

hettie · 27/03/2024 21:35

You do not need to have kids to have a meaningful and fulfilled life. You don't need to have kids even if you once thought you should/might have wanted them. And you don't need to have kids because anyone else thinks you should.
I wish far more people put far more thought into why they want to have kids and what the reality is really like... it would save so much misery.
You're not being lazy or selfish. In fact it would be lazy and selfish to have kids and not be prepared/willing to put in the long hard yards that 'good enough' parenting requires.....

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/03/2024 21:36

OlafLovesOlives · 27/03/2024 21:21

Sorry but can you clarify what you mean?? You think that people shouldn’t have a happy life? You think people without children - either by choice or those that can’t have kids and have fertility issues- don’t have meaningful, fulfilling lives?

I don't think that's what @GiggleHoot meant. Starting a family can be one of the ways that people choose to bring meaning and fulfilment to their lives. There are many other ways that people do this - through their career choices, the things they do in their communities, the personal challenges they set themselves. Contributing to raising the next generation of humans responsibly and thoughtfully is a positive achievement.

CrispieCake · 27/03/2024 21:43

Why not find yourself a wife and be a dad?

That way, your life need hardly change. You can continue your hobbies, going to the gym, having 'me' time and very few people will bat an eyelid.

Pumpkins89 · 27/03/2024 21:46

It’s your choice. If you don’t want kids, don’t have kids. Just remember that in 10/15 and certainly in 20 years, you won’t have a choice.

PassingStranger · 27/03/2024 21:48

Cadl · 27/03/2024 19:20

It’s odd because the prospect of holding my sleeping baby in my arms is dreamy.

That stage dosent last long though.

Drivinginmycar · 27/03/2024 21:51

With regards to meaning and fulfillment, I don't believe it is true that children bring meaning or fulfilment.

Women are led to believe that it will lead to that, it's our destiny and happy ever after.

But then we realise that meaning and fulfilment come from persuing our own goals and interests, not facilitating others at our own expense.

So as I see it, being a mother can be more of a barrier to having meaning and fulfilment in your life than helping it. I realise it works for some, but for me at least, the load is too heavy.

IHateLegDay · 27/03/2024 21:53

Cadl · 27/03/2024 19:20

It’s odd because the prospect of holding my sleeping baby in my arms is dreamy.

That bit is lovely but it's gone in a flash and then you're left with the drudgery of everyday life with a family.
I miss mine being babies so much. They're 4.5 and 6 now and as much as I love them, I get tired of giving my all to them to be treated like shit.

oldestboy · 27/03/2024 22:01

Here’s a motherhood cheat code; babies and children are at their best when they’re asleep, demanding nothing from you. It’s when they’re awake that’s the problem.

Bigcat25 · 27/03/2024 22:04

I don't think you should feel pressured to put kids in private schools. Perpetuates wealth inequality anyway.

YorkBound · 27/03/2024 22:07

You don't need an excuse not to have kids. It's totally your call. Sounds like you like your life as it is.

Orangeecats · 27/03/2024 22:08

I’m 33 and have a 2 year old and 4 week old. I love them both more than anything in this world.

but…

your life sounds amazing. Do you know how much I’d love a bath 😂

Namechange25793 · 27/03/2024 22:20

fitzwilliamdarcy · 27/03/2024 21:08

But children aren’t the only things that are challenging in life. It’s not like there are two modes: parents all on hard mode, childless all on easy street.

I feel like my life has been filled with growth - I didn’t have to have kids to do it!

Completely agree!

Chippytea2 · 27/03/2024 22:22

It’s not laziness at all! It’s a big decision and it’s a difficult one.
I also have a history of eating disorder, I could never decide if I wanted children. I had a vague notion that I wanted them maybe at some point, but I didn’t have that drive that some people have that they really want to try.
Me and my husband spent ages contemplating whether or not to try, and eventually decided to try for one and see what happened, if it didn’t happen then no big deal.
Boom, pregnant with twins a month later! We had a terrible pregnancy, ttts, fetal surgery, all 3 of us almost died giving birth, 6 weeks in NICU. But my god, they changed my life. If I’d have known how it would end up, I’d have had them 10 years earlier (I had them at 29). They are literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I can’t believe I was ever unsure.

But what a risk to take when you don’t know how you’ll feel, I would never have expected to feel the way I do, and I’ll never have another child (because the pregnancy traumatised me, not the children). As it turns out, I was born to be a mother, and I’d never have known until I had them because I never had that maternal instinct before!

Horticultured · 27/03/2024 22:35

I think it's great that you've thought about this in detail, not enough people do.

I am staying childfree because for me, the negatives outweigh the positives. I'm not going to lie, a lot of the mumsnet posts about all of the struggles people experience have really put me off as well! It is the ultimate sacrifice, you shouldn't sacrifice your sleep, body, free time, ability to be spontaneous and career unless it is something you feel strongly about.

There are so many of us staying childfree these days that I don't forsee any loneliness in old age, I'm sure that older, childfree people will be able to form strong support networks with like minded others.

MaidOfSteel · 27/03/2024 22:44

I think your reasons are perfectly valid. And you don't need to justify yourself for deciding against such a life-changing thing.
I never wanted kids of my own as I'm quite lazy. I don't like to feel stressed, pressured, rushed or overwhelmed, and I know I wouldn't be able to cope with sleep deprivation. I absolutely made the right decision for me.

whynotwhatknot · 27/03/2024 23:12

youre not lazy you just want your life as it is

i dont have kids out of choice and i am lazy-your mentla health is too important to risk just because society says we're supposed to have kids

ive just read an article that states a baby born now will needd to earn 90k to own a house!

tulippa · 27/03/2024 23:20

LittleGlowingOblong · 27/03/2024 20:42

There’s a big difference existentially between 30 and 40. At 30 you’re still enjoying all of life’s pleasures; at 40 you want purposeful meaning and family.

That’s my view. But there’s no right answer, and no guarantees. If you have only one child I think it can be ok, there are many shortcuts you can take and corners you can cut. And you may enjoy it more than you think! The baby stage itself though barely lasts for the blink of an eye.

I had a child because I wanted to experience everything that this brief life holds.

Edited

For me, the baby stage felt like it lasted forever and I look back on it as quite a dark time in my life. It's not the same for everyone.

I would say that having children stops you from experiencing a lot of things, especially when they're young.

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2024 23:25

The older I get the happier I am that I don’t have children. And I did want them originally. Life is wonderful.

Caerulea · 27/03/2024 23:40

Your reasoning is completely sound & not lazy at all! You're under no obligation to have children & imo the idea of just using money to have other ppl raise them for you (not you personally) is lazy. In that instance adoption is a great option, not having babies.

I've much more respect for women who make informed decisions on childrearing than those who do it knowing full well they don't have time or patience or even the inclination to actually care for them.

Not lazy in least :)

StarryBook · 28/03/2024 00:26

VivaVivaa · 27/03/2024 19:24

What about holding your colicky, refluxy baby in your puke covered arms who’s been screaming solidly for 2 hours? Maybe thats a bit of a dick move, but that was my reality of newborn life. Worth considering all possibilities.

Good point! I just went through the first year and will never forget that stage.

OP - I agree with many other posts. It’s not lazy to not want kids, it’s ok. I was strongly childfree for so long then late 30s, changed my mind.

I love DD more than anything. She is my world!

TBH, there were many times in the last year I felt way out of depth. It was such an exhausting few months and DH and I were completely inexperienced too (no younger relatives or friends with kids).

For me personally I love being a mum and love DD so much and can’t imagine life without her. I don’t miss my childfree life anymore. DD is still young but the newborn phase is over and she’s so fun. It’s interesting to see her experience things for the first time. Hearing her say mama is the best.

But having children isn’t for everyone. If DD decided to not have children I absolutely would respect it.

It doesn’t have to be everyone’s want or choice or whatever. Everyone does what they want and should never have to justify it to anyone else! I would never judge someone for not wanting children.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Onceuponatimeiwasaho · 28/03/2024 00:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JordanPeterson · 28/03/2024 01:44

I see a lot of myself in your post

When the childfree movement first rose online in the early-mid 2000s era I decided in my mid 20s to be childfree, due to many of the reasons you describe

At the time had a great career in media, love to unwind & sleep in, go out, travel, spend $ on myself & had had several bad relationships that put me off wanting to tie myself to a person forever

I had fellow career minded girlfriends who also shared this view & felt supported that I was not alone in my beliefs

When I saw other people's children I didn't coo over them or melt, so I believed this meant I was not maternal.

I read about that most men don't want kids anyway, they just do it to please their partner

I worried about the risk of a child with a disability & didn't want to ruin my life if they had autism or disabled.

Fast forward & my perspective has changed in recent times.

I let fear guide me & that is not a good place to make decisions from. The idea of that responsibility was overwhelming, so I interpreted it as a sign that motherhood was not right for me. Having spoken with other mothers, even the ones who always wanted motherhood can still feel overwhelming fear of this responsibility & impact on their lives.

I became burnt out in my exciting career as the young up & comers came onboard & grew tired of competing. My job gradually became less important to me & I craved more work life balance. But due to choosing not to have a partner or children, there was less opportunity for me to achieve that work life balance on a single income as I needed to solely support myself with no tax breaks to assist me.

I see now that my personality is suited to aspects of motherhood that I hadn't considered before, Eg: don't suffer from boredom. On weekends I love pottering around the home, making sure my home is in order so I feel organised, go for walks with the dogs, browsing supermarkets for the best deals etc. Many aspects of motherhood involve drudgery & dullness, but I actually tend to cope with those things well & lean into them.

I was so influenced by the childfree movement & all the forums that claim all parents secretly regret their children & parents have no time to be themselves & marriages fail after kids, etc.... then my brother & cousin had children, so I assumed they would experience this. However when I saw my nephews, I felt a strong sense of protection over them, as they were my family. I saw yes, sleep deprivation or dealing with a tantrum was unpleasant, but that they did not regret their children & love them deeply. That people enjoy spending time with their children & can look forward to coming home at the end of the day to them as well.

I realised at the end of the day, a career can be fulfilling but that ultimately your company does not care about you or will always give you the life meaning you crave. That many people work so they can support their family, which means the most to them. That unless you have a vocational calling like being a doctor & saving lives, that work can lose its meaning later in life.

Because at the time I was not looking for a family man, I entered into relationships with fun men who were not family minded & in some cases they were not always the people for building a long term happy life with. Whereas the mindset of a man who does want a family one day generally seemed to result in a better quality of man. I let many good men go because they wanted a family one day. I also found that childfree men are actually rare & that many men look forward to the idea of fatherhood one day too.

The girlfriends/colleagues who all claimed to be childfree mostly changed their minds & had families, moved away for work so lost touch etc - leaving me feeling more isolated & the social life that I loved was impacted. The single childfree woman is not someone that married people seem to enjoy hanging around, I was still wanting to go out & have fun, but they grew up, we grew apart. I put off several nice girlfriends who chose to have kids by talking about how wonderful my childfree life was & how great my life was, I was arrogant & unintentionally offensive. I understand why they phased me out.

Sadly I realised the flaws in my mindset too late & in hindsight I wish had not been sucked in by the childfree movement.

While fell pregnant with my boyfriend easily in Dec ago at 40, but sadly lost it as it is common at this age to miscarry. It has been hard to deal with & wish I'd had a family earlier in life when it would have been easier to fall pregnant.

While I had discounted young mothers in their 20s as lame & selling yourself short in life, I realised that having kids younger means you get that life back in your 40s. Whereas in your 40s you are calculating that you will be in your 60s with a teenager, which is not ideal to me.

While I struggle with ED, when I was pregnant I made sure to eat well - it actually helped me to make the better food choices & take care of myself.

I felt instinctively that if my baby was born healthy but suffered a terrible accident & became disabled during childhood that I would still love/care for them. So I shouldn't overwhelm myself with worry that they may be disabled from birth.

I was the first person to claim my dogs were my children & would die for them, but once I was pregnant my moods shifted. I started considering wild things, like actually keeping my dogs outside or not on the bed, so that there was no hair on the floor, slobber on baby or or risk of being tripped over by the dogs being underfoot.

One of my dog's constant barking suddenly became so infuriating in pregnancy due to hormones that I started to consider having to rehome her as she would wake the baby up - and I was the most vocal person that people who rehome their pets are scum of the earth! I realised that pets are not people & that I was using them as a bandaid for my maternal instincts.

Enough rambling, just wanted to share the flip side of the coin to you & give you a realistic idea of the struggles we can face if we do change your minds one day.

UncomfortablyBig882 · 28/03/2024 02:00

You're just not ready. I was the same at 30. Then 3 years down the line, I had done ALL the travelling I could do, all the socials, the gym going etc, got a promotion and a pay rise and felt I had enough money, energy and love to give. I'm pregnant now and, while pregnancy is indeed a bit shit, I can't imagine still doing the same routine.