Not wanting kids out of laziness?

[Cadl]

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

It's not lazy at all. I think it is incredibly wise to reflect on whether having a baby will be the right thing for you/your lifestyle.

Does it even matter if it is?
If you don't want kids then it's best you don't have them. I wish everyone was like you and thought very carefully whether it was the life they truly wanted!

Being a parent is rarely blissful and children don't stay babies very long at all. Being a parent means opening yourself up to a relationship that you prioritise above any other, including the one you have with yourself. It means taking the risk and responsibility for another human entering the world. It's like having a heart beating outside your chest that you're more terrified of breaking than your own. It's a rollercoaster that you should only ride if you're prepared for the lows as well as the highs.

The bigger problem (unless I've missed something in this thread) is you've not really discussed your conflicted feelings about parenthood with your fiancé. What happens when he decides the time is right to have children and you're still on the fence?

It doesn't sound like your lazy at all. You just want different things from life and already have a fulfilled life. Having kids should be something you do if you want to, not an expectation. Would you call someone who didn't want a dog lazy because they couldn't be bothered with walking them every day and trips to the groomers or vets? No.

Sounds like you have a lovely life to me!

I don't think you need a reason to not want kids, I've always thought you should have a reason to want them!

I also don't think its lazy in the slightest but even if it is - who cares?! Be 'lazy' and enjoy it!!

There’s a big difference existentially between 30 and 40. At 30 you’re still enjoying all of life’s pleasures; at 40 you want purposeful meaning and family.

That’s my view. But there’s no right answer, and no guarantees. If you have only one child I think it can be ok, there are many shortcuts you can take and corners you can cut. And you may enjoy it more than you think! The baby stage itself though barely lasts for the blink of an eye.

I had a child because I wanted to experience everything that this brief life holds.

I understand what you are saying about having a dreamy, sleepy baby in your arms. Seems like it would be blissful.
It certainly can, but that doesn't last for long.
The problem is that we aren't evolutionarily wired to take care of children as a couple, it's too much work. It's always been much more communal throughout human history and that is what we are designed for.

Somehow, we all think it's normal that women actually give up their own life and desires for decades. It totally isn't and that is where the problem lies in my view.

This is patriarchy telling women what they are (caring mothers for decades, and they might as well wipe his arse as well). It's a brilliant way to keep women controlled sexually (too busy), children looked after for free (women's unpaid labour) and his nest feathered.

Motherhood can be a terrible trap that I think often causes PTSD because of the overstimulation from constant demands, noise and relentless responsibility. And it goes on and on and on and on.

There is also human nature to contend with. Children aren't the idealised beings we make them out to be, and won't have any of your interests at the forefront of their minds.

I have two. I don't recommend it. Some people think it will be different for them.

You will probably love your child if you have one, and you might be very happy, but you are right to feel it's extremely risky.

Yes I agree with you- the good stuff should be kinda challenging. When you are too comfortable there’s little challenge and growth… you are not going to be making the most of your life by taking the easy route

Your post sounds all me, me, me... Looking after a child is all about the child, the child, the child. Certainly we all have a selfish side until we have kids, then fall in love with them and put the baby first,, letting go of hobbies and city breaks for a while isn't even a thought or feels like a compromise . So you need to figure out whether you have it in you to love someone other than yourself so much that you'll put them first. If not, then don't.

If you’re holding a sleeping baby it’s because they will wake up and scream when you put them down 😂

I’m a teacher by background and a natural with kids - I love the energy they give. I’m not a natural parent though and find it draining rather than replenishing. And mine is a dote and smiley and positive but I find it the toughest thing I have ever done and have lost myself in family life. Hoping to still be there when we come out the other side.

Nobody would have a clue and I try so hard so DD will never feel that it takes effort.

I wouldn't say it was laziness. I think you would struggle with pregnancy with that kind of lifestyle.

I never really had an urge to have children but I went along with things at the age that you do and now I'm a single parent to 2 and honestly it's been the best thing ever. If I had really sat and analysed the pros and cons and weighed up if I really actually wanted kids I would not have had any. For financial reasons, my career, my relationship was not that stable, im not typically "maternal" either, I've never cooed over other peoples kids. But I don't think, looking back, that my life would have been better. I'd definitely have a lot more money and would be in a better job, would have travelled more, probably spent time living and working overseas. But my life with my kids is so so much more than that - we're an amazing team, the three of us. We just work well together and its not even about just loving them a lot or "I cant imagine life without them" type thing. Its like meeting your best friends and soul mates on the day they were born and getting to spend all your spare time with people whose company you are never bored of. An extra £20k a year disposable income and time to read and travel with friends or a partner doesn't come close for me.

There is that assumption again that all child free must be rich. I live in a small one bedroom social housing flat. There are a few working class child free women about

Not lazy, being true to yourself. I wanted kids but couldn’t have them. But the older I get the happier I am that I don’t have them. Life is good. Wonderful in fact.

Having kids these days is overwhelming and relentless. You’re right to consider it very carefully. I was desperate for kids and I adore them but my god it’s hard. No family support, I work full time and value my career and I have little to no time to myself. I am not sure if I would do it again knowing how tough it is.

I miss my old life, my happier marriage, my sense of control over life. I miss my intellect, my energy, my size 8 figure. I’m a different person entirely.

But children aren’t the only things that are challenging in life. It’s not like there are two modes: parents all on hard mode, childless all on easy street.

I feel like my life has been filled with growth - I didn’t have to have kids to do it!

And for all the posts about having kids for meaning & fulfilment - plenty of childfree women find meaning & fulfilment in their lives too. This does not only have to come through procreating.

You are not being lazy at all OP. I view your post as you being honest about who you are and what kind of life you genuinely want.

Of course it’s not “laziness” or “selfishness” or any other of the tired old tropes that get trotted out.

it’s a lifestyle choice, same as the decision to have kids is. There are plenty of lazy parents out there, it’s not exclusive to not wanting to be bothered doing school runs, homework or meal planning and laundry.

It doesn’t matter if it’s laziness or not. If you don’t want kids, it’s totally ok!

I don't feel this is correct that we should love another more than ourselves and that is what a good mother is.

I think it's all part of the great lie that women can easily give themselves up to motherhood and this is a natural instinct if you are doing it right. Sure, five years or so while the child is very dependent, but not for decades. Our culture makes motherhood a pretty bad deal.

Every creature on the planet is here to maximise it's own potential. It's an inbuilt drive. Men and patriarchy benefit from our free labour as it makes their lives easier.

This is exactly the reason not to have kids. Unless you have the ability to care for yourself well and them well, don't do it. And for that reason, it doesn't sound lazy at all - sounds wise and self aware to me. It doesn't have to be kids to bring fulfilment to your life. And if you do make the decision to have children, it sounds like it will be a well thought out plan based on the realities.

I don't meal plan and definitely wing it. Tbh at 30 I was the same then FIL got ill and it was important for my DH so I said OK had DS1 at 32. Even bringing DS home I had a oh ffff moment what have we done but my DH to be fair to him has always been very hands on does a lot and often does breakfast.

It's also perfectly acceptable to say I don't want kids but you need to discuss this with your OH. We still go on holidays btw we just do lunch out rather then dinners as its a bit easier.

Sorry but can you clarify what you mean?? You think that people shouldn’t have a happy life? You think people without children - either by choice or those that can’t have kids and have fertility issues- don’t have meaningful, fulfilling lives?