Not wanting kids out of laziness?

[Cadl]

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

I don't think laziness has anything to do with it. I think there is nothing wrong with not feeling willing or able to devote the time and energy needed to do a good job parenting a child. It's good that you recognize this!

I don't think anyone should have a child unless they understand the sacrifices it will take and are willing to make those sacrifices.

If the actual, real sacrifices were laid out in writing, for example on a government health warning, I think it would open eyes more to what being a mother is about.
Not everyone is badly affected by it of course and some thrive, but in general if you look at it over the lifespan, it's not good for lots of women because you are mortgaged out for lots of years.

You can't be selfish to have kids they have to come first. So it sounds like you aren't able to be flexible to have kids so I wouldnt have them

I have 5 sons, started early so no career etc. Baby 5 is now in his 30’s, diagnosed with autism as a child. Still at home and I am his carer. Baby 4 is back at home due to financial difficulties. Baby 1 got addicted to heroin, he’s in his forties. He’s clean now but it took a short stint in prison. Babies 2 & 3 are fine, working, own property etc. when I was expecting my first I was told ‘that’s it for sixteen years’. It’s not sixteen years it’s the rest of your life. What I never considered or thought about was the worry. You never stop worrying about them no matter how old they get. Sometimes I wonder how my life could have turned out if I had never had kids. It would have been a lot easier, that’s for sure, mentally and physically.

This doesn't sound at all like laziness, but even if it was, you can choose not to have children for any reason you like - no-one has a responsibility to reproduce! It sounds more like you're very sensibly evaluating what it would mean for your life - which is the right way to go about things, because if you can't look after your own needs, it will be a struggle to look after someone else's.

That said, if you feel like you really do want kids but your mental health is a barrier, do you think there is anything you might be able to do to help with that? Would it be worth exploring this in therapy if you have the resources to access that?

It's a really hard decision to make and such a highly individual one - I've ended up a single parent with two gorgeous kids I adore and have a great relationship with, so I don't mind the slog. But others regret their decision to have kids, as PP have bravely said - there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to kids.

I have to admit I never reckoned with the endless worry. My parents never worried about me at all or they hid it well perhaps, so I didnt realise I would worry so much. I never worried when they were little. It's only now they have grown up, I worry because I can't solve their big problems.

There doesn't have to be a reason

This post and reading all the comments has really helped me so thank you for making it OP. I'm in a similar position but older than you so it can feel really heavy.

Thanks for the replies. Food for thought.

The constant worry is a BIG one. I see how my parents are with their adult kids (who all have done well for themselves and are in good situations) and it just looks exhausting.

I am very prone to anxiety. It has manifested with my dog re thefts. Friends will often want to take my dog out in areas I consider dodgy in London and I basically end up making excuses or watching his gps the entire me time. Obviously I know this is not healthy. Have had plenty of psychological treatment in the past.

Don't worry OP, you're thirty and you don't want kids now. That's fine.

In your late thirties the massive urge will either kick in, or it won't.

I know many women who weren't sure about having children, until they hit 36, then they got going!

It is hard and there is a shift, particularly in London. But also your colleagues probably won't start having kids until 35ish and therefore the life you now have, socialising and doing lovely things after work, kind of ends anyway.

Don't make any decisions now.

But make sure you DO discuss your feelings with your partner because you both need to be on the same page.

I was the opposite and never NOT wanted kids (and they are still the best things ever) so I would have probably split from my partner if they weren't 100% with me in wanting to try to have kids.

@LuckySantangelo35 what I mean is after a few years of indulging in all the travels, dinners out, exercise classes, etc, the easy comfortable life was not fulfilling anymore. Yes, there is still plenty to do and see. At 30 I still needed to cross a few things of my list and was just enjoying FINALLY being comfortable, making good money, after gruelling years of uni, and 6 years of working 100 hours a week, sleeping in my office, etc. to get the career I wanted.

Your 20s are fun but not comfortable. Uni is fun but then you spend years of being poor and proving yourself in a career or figuring out what you want to do. Then you hit 30 and you are in a routine, in a good job etc and cannot envisage adding a baby to it. That's what OP is experiencing, that is what I and most of my friends experienced. OP may just not be settled enough yet. It doesn't mean she never wants kids!!

It's actually a life time job being a parent. Doesn't stop when they are adults tbh.

Sounds more like intelligent self preservation to me.

Why would anyone risk kids when they have an eating disorder? Chances are you'd be fine for the pregnancy but totally lose your shit trying to lose the weight afterwards.

Nope, no thankyou. And I don't even have an eating disorder. I just wouldn't fuck up my body or change an already happy life for a baby.

If you like your life as is, don't take unnecessary risks. Besides, the only reason to have kids should be that you really want them and are in a position emotionally, financially and health wise to take care of them.

Its not laziness at all (and even if it were, that wouldnt matter), its the recognition that when you have kids everything changes, you are not the focus any more or the priority. I think a lot of parents go into having kids without understanding that and then find it hard to adjust becuase they didnt acknowlege the changes that would occur.

You sound like you have your head on.

Honestly OP if I could go back in time I wouldn't have kids. I had such a nice life beforehand.

Parenthood is so overrated. It's a huge amount of drudgery and slog for minimal reward. I wouldn't recommend it.

I don’t think it’s lazy or unreasonable or anything. But what I will say is if you still have a strong dream of having a child; it’s ok to just have one. One child is soooo much easier to manage and the best of both worlds. The difficult baby stage is over in the blink of an eye, and now my child is at school I really feel like I can have “me” time. I also have a very very active other half who does his fair share. One of us does drop off and the other does pick up, so we only have one school run a day to do. She’s an absolute delight, the light of my life, but it’s nice to not be running after a whole pack of them.

I also would say people create work for themselves. Remember if you do have a child - not everything has to be Instagram perfect. And they don’t have to do an extracurricular activity every night. One of two a week is plenty. Don’t overcommit, make sure to always carve out time for yourself, and it IS do-able.

(But remember kids aren’t mandatory and it’s ok to decide it’s not for you too.)

There is no 'bad' reason not to have kids. If you don't want them, don't have them. Since the putative children don't exist, you're not depriving them or anyone else of anything by not having them.

I've never wanted children. In my 50s now, I have never once regretted that decision. There were many factors in my decision, and maybe 'laziness' was one in the sense that the sheer relentlessness of parenthood seems grim to me. Then again, I don't mind hard work if it's something I enjoy so I don't consider myself especially 'lazy'. But for me, even the 'good parts' of parenthood simply don't appeal so it was an easy decision for me.

I understand. I am like this too, from time to time. The question you need to ask yourself is: are you daydreaming about being That Idealized Version of Yourself in the picture? Or are you daydreaming about having a baby As You Are Now?

There is a difference.

Go easy on yourself, OP. I wish you well! x

Nearly everyone will tell you about how much work children involve but I don't think people discuss as often how willing you are to do it. When they are little especially, they are this extension of you. You aren't performing a task or chore for someone else, it's for this other part of 'you'. The part that brings all this happiness and love and feelings of bliss and contentment - and fulfilment.

This doesn't mean it isn't hard or tiring or unrewarding at times but that the payoff balances it.

So what if it is lazy!? It's your life to live how you choose. You're under no obligation to have children.

Like you, I love my life just the way it is. I have zero desire to be a parent. And I don't feel under any pressure to be one.

It's not laziness, or selfishness. It's a personal responsible choice which we as women now have ( thank goodness )
I've never wanted children. Lots of my female ( and male ) friends are child free by choice.
I've never felt pressurised to procreate. Any comments I've had have been positive and slightly envious if anything!
As a previous person has commented, I channel my inner mum with my 6 rescue cats 🥰
Enjoy your child free life! It's wonderful! 🥳

❤️

I felt similarly to you once OP, but by 37 and married to DH honestly the travel, socialising and weekends full of nothing had started to become repetitive and the idea of another 20/30 years of the same on repeat without any particular purpose became a much less attractive proposition than it once had been.

3 years on I'm now expecting our first and we're apprehensively excited for the new challenges and experiences we'll face. I feel much more ready for the 'drudge' of it than I would have done 10 years ago.

If you're sure then of course simply don't have children, you absolutely don't have to. But I just wanted to share another experience.

Maybe give it another two or three years and see how you feel then. This is what I did (more than once, I must admit!) when I was on the fence and at 36 I now feel confident about choosing not to have children. Try not to stress over it too much as it's best if it's a decision come to from calm self reflection rather than fear. It's important to involve your partner in the decision making process too as it will impact his life.

It's helpful to focus on what currently brings you personal joy and meaning and to then imagine how that can evolve over the years as you grow older. I highly recommend reading 'The Baby Decision' by Merle Bombardieri which has loads of useful exercises in it.