Not wanting kids out of laziness?

[Cadl]

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

I felt similarly to you once OP, but by 37 and married to DH honestly the travel, socialising and weekends full of nothing had started to become repetitive and the idea of another 20/30 years of the same on repeat without any particular purpose became a much less attractive proposition than it once had been.

Weekends full of nothing do sound pretty boring.

Life is what you make it. You don’t have to have kids to have fun at the weekends.

And you don’t have to have kids to have a purpose either.

The big question for me is why do you feel the need to question yourself?

@EmpressaurusOfTheScathingTinsel Even with the best will in the world we don't / didn't have a packed schedule of activities pre-planned for every weekend.

I'm not meaning we stared at the wall for 48 hours a week, but there's a certain repetitiveness in 2 adults getting home from Parkrun and trying to decide how to spend the rest of the weekend. Town again? National Park again? Out for dinner again? Walk round the reservoir again? Afternoon in the pub again? All fun but none especially fulfilling week after week, and from where we live travel further afield than half an hour from home involves a plane or boat, so isn't feasible on a regular basis.

Posted too soon; anyway I was just offering the OP a different experience. For us the selfishness / laziness that we also experienced at the same kind of age wore off over the years, and the prospect of kids became less of an unthinkable negative and more of something we felt ready to take on.

It's taking the kids to football or ballet every weekend repetitive too?

And some people may find fulfillment from doing sports or visiting cultural sites. Life with children seems mostly boring and mundane to me, but I appreciate it isn't for everyone. The same is true for activities which may seem boring and repetitive to you.

You didn't become less 'selfish' because you chose to reproduce. Reproduction is no more or less 'selfish' than not reproducing. You (presumably) had children to fulfill a selfish want, just like others remain childfree to fulfill their wants. Neither lifestyle is more or less 'selfish' than the other.

@IcedPurple Jeez, I only offered the OP an alternative situation, in that like us she may feel differently in the future, or she may not, and if she doesn't then not having children is a perfectly valid option. We came very close to not being able to have any, and that would have been fine too, ultimately.

The OP posted on AIBU, not the childfree boards, so she's going to get mixed responses from people in all situations. I'm not sure why my response particularly has warranted multiple nit-picking replies 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm 36 and the same as you OP. In fact I too have used the word lazy!

I think I would be absolutely fine with the baby-baby stage. I love babies and have loads of patience with the adorable little things. Poor mites are totally helpless, wholly unable to communicate and all they can do is cry and hope for the best.

It's the toddler + stage I couldn't deal with.

I posted just two replies. If you can write 'multiple' comments then people can write 'multiple' replies.

This is a discussion board. Disagreeing, or 'nit picking' as you call it, is in the nature of the format.

Life without children would have been easier. My career would have probably progressed better. I would have more money for myself. It would have been less stressful.

Life with children is.. more dynamic. As they grow, the way I live is changing. I am more in touch with new generations (although I teach at a university so I get that too). I meet people and do things I wouldn't otherwise. I find my children and their world endlessly interesting and I feel it keeps me younger, more curious.

It's a balance but one thing I would recommend if you do end up having a child is to build a really good support network. I live in an amazing neighborhood with so much support, it really has made all the difference - the proverbial village.

I don’t quite understand this. I’ve had 34 years of life without children with my DH. Life has been hard at times, especially when we were struggling ttc, but never repetitive or mundane. In any case having children because you’re bored doesn’t seem like a fantastic idea to me. But we’re all different.

@KimberleyClark It wasn't written for anyone to understand, it's my experience which will be different to yours and everyone else's.

I felt very much like the OP at 30, but the older I got the less fulfilled I felt by that life. Other people will remain entirely fulfilled and engaged with a childfree life path. You have, the OP might, or might not. I didn't. Others on this thread didn't. Others never considered a childfree life at all. Nobody here is wrong in how they feel or felt.

Ps.. I haven't once said I was bored. Unfulfilled and bored are not the same thing.

Yes this is what I was thinking.
When I ask my workmates with kids how they spent the weekend, they've always taken the kids to their regular weekly activities, gone to the park to get them out of the house, done a few chores etc.
Meanwhile, I'm embarrassed to say "oh we didn't get up to much, we just spent Saturday mountain biking and then on Sunday we met up with some friends and went for lunch and then we spent the afternoon tackling a big project on our house etc" because it's always SO much more varied than anything they've done.

As they grow, the way I live is changing.

And as I age, the way I live is changing. You don't stay in a state of stasis from 18 to 90. Life changes.

We've relocated, made new friends, taken up new hobbies, I did a sideways move in my career, DH retrained into something radically different and now our life has a very different shape to it than it did a decade ago.

Whereas some friends I know with kids, especially those living in their home towns and doing an easy job that fits around family life, seem to have experienced very little change and personal growth.

It doesn't matter what your reason is - don't have kids because it's expected if you don't want to.

Whatever your reason is justified. We don't want kids as we are also quite lazy, we love our disposable income and the life we have. We are not prepared to make the sacrifices needed to have children. I say that as someone who thought they would 100% have children when I was younger. We're now both well into our 40s and are absolutely loving the life we have.

I dont blame you. I find parenting very demanding and I have 1 easy child. Was single parent for 3 years though. Never again.

And he prefers his dad who does very little so I feel I'm fighting a losing battle trying to make him a nice kid.

I think it is great that more and more women are choosing to prioritise their own mental health and happiness over following the path biology and nature had planned for them. I dont see it as lazy or selfish at all to want a different life than the one that is seen as the norm.

No it isn’t laziness. Not wanting to spend your life in servitude is NOT laziness.

Don’t have kids and dodge that massive bullet. You’re welcome.

Why being defensive? In my post I said there are clear downsides of having children. We are not here to convince the OP either way but to give her a variety of views based on personal experiences, good and bad.

For me, there's energy and dynamism that new generations provide. I love living in a busy household with bright young people discovering the world. We have lots of fun doing things together. I was not very sporty but got into some sports with one of my children. Another one's interests drew the whole family in. I just wouldn't do some things without them.

I also think about how my mum and dad would have never traveled much beyond their country were it not for me leaving to get education etc. I think I changed their life in some positive ways.

So what I am saying is that children are exhausting and expensive and huge worry but also (that's my experience) enrich parents' lives.

It is, I think, sad that it's hard to manage career and children. As I mentioned, I could maintain my career if it weren't for great support network. We actually decided not to move/look for a bigger house because we get so much out it.

But the way we bring up children isn't biology. We evolved to parent communally. The nuclear family with it's heavy responsibilities and personal restrictions is the problem.

Not for everyone. Many people don't have children for reasons not related to the network or support they have. Some people simply have zero interest in having children.