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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not wanting kids out of laziness?

212 replies

Cadl · 27/03/2024 18:31

It’s insane to me that I am even contemplating not having children, had always wanted them. When I was 14 and the hormones were flowing I would even secretly cradle towels/teddies.

But I’ve turned 30 (engaged) and the idea of school runs, weekday dinners etc really overwhelms me. I have an amazing lifestyle now - city breaks, nice dinners.

My parents really placed a lot of emphasis on education so we all got into grammars, went to top unis but the exam years were horrendous. Not sure I could go through the revision process with any future kids.

Ive also had eating disorders in the past so my gym regime is very important - it’s a way to feel in control of my physical appearance without severely restricting calories (I have probably done 50+ 7 day water fasts in my life). My current evening routine involves finishing work, walking the dog, going to the gym, cooking dinner and having a bath (days I don’t socialise). I often sit in the bath and think I have absolutely no bandwidth to deal with raising kids.

Is this pure laziness?

OP posts:
thecanadianloon · 28/03/2024 07:13

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/03/2024 21:01

I never really had an urge to have children but I went along with things at the age that you do and now I'm a single parent to 2 and honestly it's been the best thing ever. If I had really sat and analysed the pros and cons and weighed up if I really actually wanted kids I would not have had any. For financial reasons, my career, my relationship was not that stable, im not typically "maternal" either, I've never cooed over other peoples kids. But I don't think, looking back, that my life would have been better. I'd definitely have a lot more money and would be in a better job, would have travelled more, probably spent time living and working overseas. But my life with my kids is so so much more than that - we're an amazing team, the three of us. We just work well together and its not even about just loving them a lot or "I cant imagine life without them" type thing. Its like meeting your best friends and soul mates on the day they were born and getting to spend all your spare time with people whose company you are never bored of. An extra £20k a year disposable income and time to read and travel with friends or a partner doesn't come close for me.

Which is perfect for you, and it's great how things have turned out, but presumably you had help somewhere along the line? Or have a job which pays well and flexible to the needs of child rearing? Or your ex isn't an asshole when it comes to maintenance? Because you make it sound like a dream, but in my experience it's a bloody hard slog, the financial hit is hard, if you don't have flexibility in work or a grandparent who can step into the breach, the stress of childcare can be massive.
Parenting is definitely not the plain sailing you're making it out to be, unless you've been unusually lucky in having super compliant children who don't get ill?
My teens are ace, but it's the hardest job I've ever done, teenagers come with a whole heap of complexities and rampaging teen hormones aren't always easy to navigate. And small children are just germ factories not to mention parasite infested! Thread worms and nits seemed pretty much constant at primary.

KateMiskin · 28/03/2024 07:16

Eh @JordanPeterson you certainly live up to your name.

OP, in the kindest possible way, I think you should not have kids. Or not now anyway. I had my own DC over 20 years ago when the world was quite different ,and far cheaper. These days, you will find a much larger child free community.

TheSolstices · 28/03/2024 07:23

You should do exactly what you want, OP. It’s a morally neutral decision.

KateMiskin · 28/03/2024 07:26

Yes, that is the perfect expression. Morally neutral. Not having kids is not selfish or lazy. Actually, having kids is more selfish.

DataColour · 28/03/2024 07:32

Having kids is setting yourself up for a lifetime of worrying. You are only as happy as your saddest child, so it's a rollercoaster, depending on your kids. I have 2 teenagers. Hard work. There's positives too of course and I do like hanging out with them, but it is hard work a lot of the time.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 28/03/2024 07:36

Raising children is as draining as running ultra-marathons. So I'm imagining someone asking me "I don't want to run ultra-marathons - Is this laziness?"

I would say "No."

Nottodaythankyou123 · 28/03/2024 07:48

I think we need to normalise women not wanting kids, whatever their reason (it still seems to be a societal expectation). It’s not a pet, it’s a whole human, if you don’t really want one you defo shouldn’t have one! Your life sounds wonderful!

LolaSmiles · 28/03/2024 07:50

I wouldn't say you're lazy at all.You've built a life you're happy with and have given serious thought about how having children would affect it.

It's ok for anyone to decide they don't want to have children.

Sfex · 28/03/2024 09:25

As someone who felt very similar to you and went on to have a baby (after society basically convincing me that I was being unreasonable/the good outweighed the bad blah blah) - don’t do it.

Don’t get my wrong, I adore DD and now she’s here I would never ever say I wish I didn’t have her. Her, though. Not a child in general.

Before I had her I was fit, healthy, had a great career, great social life and lifestyle (multiple holidays/breaks). Now I’m permanently knackered trying, and failing, to keep hold of as much of that as I can. Which I know people will say is impossible and I should let go of some of it but Jesus the thought of that is depressing.

Yes, of course there are positives and lovely moments and a whole new perspective sometimes once you have a baby. But the vast majority of the time it’s fucking hard work, exhausting, very little reward and I absolutely yearn for my life pre-baby.

So no OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable and I wish I had realised that myself!

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/03/2024 09:32

UncomfortablyBig882 · 28/03/2024 02:00

You're just not ready. I was the same at 30. Then 3 years down the line, I had done ALL the travelling I could do, all the socials, the gym going etc, got a promotion and a pay rise and felt I had enough money, energy and love to give. I'm pregnant now and, while pregnancy is indeed a bit shit, I can't imagine still doing the same routine.

@UncomfortablyBig882

i don’t get this.

how could you have done all the travelling you could do? Have you literally been to every country in the world?

and you definitely couldn’t have done all the gym going! We have to go to the gym or exercise forever if we want to stay fit and healthy…it’s not something you can do loads of in your twenties and think yay I’ve done that, don’t need to do it anymore!

TheSolstices · 28/03/2024 09:34

@Sfex, you really can’t blame ‘society’ for forcing you to have a child. I totally get the social pressure (I was contentedly childfree till 39, and got the usual comments) but it’s perfectly possible to resist, just as we all resist other forms of social pressure.

KateMiskin · 28/03/2024 09:35

I have been able to travel with my DC since they were 6 months old. I haven't given up travel, and in fact, have enjoyed so much with them. Now they are grown, i actually miss going with them. But that obviously depends on finances and DC themselves.

I don't go to the gym and that wouldn't change regardless of DC.

fuzzwuss · 28/03/2024 09:40

You mist do what feels right for you. I would say however, that it is not a problem to maintain fitness in pregnancy, ypu can usually do sport completely normally After birth you can quickly get back to your routine assuming no complications, a lot of mothers do it and a lot of gyms have creches. You might have to tweak it, but its not impossible.

TheSolstices · 28/03/2024 09:41

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/03/2024 09:32

@UncomfortablyBig882

i don’t get this.

how could you have done all the travelling you could do? Have you literally been to every country in the world?

and you definitely couldn’t have done all the gym going! We have to go to the gym or exercise forever if we want to stay fit and healthy…it’s not something you can do loads of in your twenties and think yay I’ve done that, don’t need to do it anymore!

Show quote history

Well, I agree entirely with you, but some people just have a very limited set of ideas about what might constitute travelling, career or socialising, and when their friends stop clubbing and start looking at pushchairs, they follow suit.

I have an 11 year old, and still travel, run, get promoted and socialise.

ChaToilLeam · 28/03/2024 09:44

It’s okay not to have kids for any reason whatsoever.

Pinkdaffodils900 · 28/03/2024 10:39

I've been through the same thought process OP. I always assumed I wanted and would have children, then when it came to what should have felt like the right time - good job, settled relationship etc. - I realised I didn't want to change my life. It is much better to stop and think than to rush into an irreversible and permanent life changing decision. I have no regrets. You don't need a reason to not want a child and it's not lazy to care about your own needs.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/03/2024 10:45

Pinkdaffodils900 · 28/03/2024 10:39

I've been through the same thought process OP. I always assumed I wanted and would have children, then when it came to what should have felt like the right time - good job, settled relationship etc. - I realised I didn't want to change my life. It is much better to stop and think than to rush into an irreversible and permanent life changing decision. I have no regrets. You don't need a reason to not want a child and it's not lazy to care about your own needs.

Im really surprised this doesn’t happen more often , I know it is more common and acceptable now than ever before but still…

Flax98765 · 28/03/2024 10:54

Hi OP, I'm the same. There's lots of reasons I don't want to be a parent, but honestly, a big one is just that I can't be bothered 🤷‍♀️

BUT I think if I really wanted kids/was meant to have kids I would be willing to put in all the work.

meganorks · 28/03/2024 10:59

It's not laziness, you just don't want kids. You don't have to have kids. Just make sure you and your fiancé are on the same page. Although be prepared for the fact that either one of you could change your mind in the future.

Pinkdaffodils900 · 28/03/2024 11:02

My DH and I are getting a cat. My DM doesn't get it and points out all the downsides - insurance and vet bills, having a litter tray, the hassle of finding/paying for care for them if we go away, cat hair everywhere, the worry it could go missing etc. And my response is always that I don't care, I will put up with all of that because I desperately want a cat.

I'm obviously not trying to equate having a cat with having a child, but I think it needs to be a similar mindset - you need to think about the impact it will have on your life and unless you have that sense of 'yes it'll be hard, potentially very hard, and I acknowledge it's a massive roll of the dice but it's all I want to do anyway', then is it the right choice?

Blueskies3 · 28/03/2024 11:13

You don't want one now, most likely that will change when the hormones surge in your 30s- last chance saloon. You would know if you wanted one.

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/03/2024 12:03

Blueskies3 · 28/03/2024 11:13

You don't want one now, most likely that will change when the hormones surge in your 30s- last chance saloon. You would know if you wanted one.

@Blueskies3 not everyone gets that hormone surge in their thirties

WhoaJayShettybambalam · 28/03/2024 12:12

I don’t think it’s lazy, I think it’s completely reasonable.

RedPony1 · 28/03/2024 12:13

Blueskies3 · 28/03/2024 11:13

You don't want one now, most likely that will change when the hormones surge in your 30s- last chance saloon. You would know if you wanted one.

Never had that hormone surge!

RedPony1 · 28/03/2024 12:18

OP, this isn't about laziness at all, you're not lazy. you Just don't want to give anything up and that's fine.

I'm the same. I'd never give up my full time work, twice a day stables visits, my social life, cars or, well anything really.
My few friends that do have children have what we call "yes men" at home and they fully facilitate my friends equestrian life. These friends have given up nothing to have children apart from changing body, really. My DP is amazing but i would hate him to have to give anything up to facilitate my life any more than i'd give anything up to facilitate his.

You sound like you have an amazing life!!