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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Hide Savings From DH

237 replies

AlwaysNonStop · 26/03/2024 01:16

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

OP posts:

Mouldyfoodhelp · 26/03/2024 01:24

Sorry its far too late for me to to read such a long OP! Hopefully others with a better attention span will be a long in a minute but in general I never feel its OK to hide money from partners unless good reason like addiction or something

KTheGrey · 26/03/2024 01:25

I don't think it matters. You have a system that works for you, and he keeps 40% of his salary, so he may have loads stashed away as well.

Your 14 year old may need money for university or for a house deposit in a few years. And then the twins. Keep saving, because if you don't need to run away, you will still need money for your children.

Fraaahnces · 26/03/2024 01:29

Firstly, I think all women should do this. You never know the future. Yes it’s a “running away fund”, but it could equally be an “If DP had a life-limiting illness, we could have a holiday fund” or “If war broke out we could go somewhere else fund”.

TeenLifeMum · 26/03/2024 01:34

Surely your dp can do the same with the 40% he has left?

DanielGault · 26/03/2024 01:41

You should always have running away money.

RawBloomers · 26/03/2024 01:51

Do you have insight into how he uses the money he doesn’t give to you?

Why is it you think he should be able to keep almost half the money he earns but you shouldn’t be able to keep some of the money you earn for yourself (even though you also sacrifice significant salary working part time - presumably to look after your joint child and enable his full time work)?

MillieIou · 26/03/2024 01:57

It's a thing on MN where people say you should have run away money. I personally wouldn't lie to my DH and would hope he wouldn't lie to me about £15k too.

Codlingmoths · 26/03/2024 02:07

Is this secret savings though? He keeps 40% of his salary. Presumably he could have similar (I think you are aware he doesn’t but the point is nothing has stopped him from doing this). You just happen to have saved from your personal allocation of your salary.
if it came up I’d just say oh I try and save some of my leftover every month in various places.

Daffidale · 26/03/2024 02:09

It’s OK to have your own savings in your own name. With you being unmarried it’s actually really important that you both have some savings solely in your own name, in case g*d forbid you split up.

personally I don’t think it’s OK to keep it a secret. every relationship is different. But It’s a little like (tho obv very different in a lot of important ways) the reverse of your previous situation where DH hid his debts from you. It’s one partner hiding financial stuff that affects them both from the other.

In your case how you manage your household finances is that he keeps 40% of his salary for his own use (which he can save if he wants) and you manage everything else. going forwards it might be a good idea for you to think a bit more in terms of a % of your salary that is yours to spend or save as you wish (eg 40% like he does), and a % + your OH contribution that is “household” (Which could include household or joint savings that you treat as belonging to you both). That way you can talk to him about what you have as household savings, separate from what you have as your own personal savings.

I think you could also say that given everything that happened to you before it’s important to you that you have some money that is solely yours and private, so you know you are never in that situation again.

grinandslothit · 26/03/2024 02:18

Does he say and how much does he have say do you think?

Calamitousness · 26/03/2024 02:33

I don’t have your lived experience so it’s hard to say. I have a great marriage of over 20+ years where we share finance's equally and have done since before we married. I would not be happy if my husband kept secrets from me. I know sometimes he will save up in a separate account if he wants something like a holiday with his friends but even then I know he’s doing that and if I needed the money he’d give me it. I guess if you have such a good relationship as you say then he wouldn’t mind that you have savings as long as you told him about it. You could open the chat by asking if he’s saved from his remainder of salary. I’m assuming you both pay equally into family pot therefore have similar amounts available to you to save.

Gowlett · 26/03/2024 02:36

I have my own savings account.
DH has no savings account.

The money is there for DS.
My husband can’t manage money.

ButterflyKu · 26/03/2024 02:39

MillieIou · 26/03/2024 01:57

It's a thing on MN where people say you should have run away money. I personally wouldn't lie to my DH and would hope he wouldn't lie to me about £15k too.

Edited

I agree

OhcantthInkofaname · 26/03/2024 03:17

TeenLifeMum · 26/03/2024 01:34

Surely your dp can do the same with the 40% he has left?

Maybe he has!

Fuhjutvb · 26/03/2024 03:30

You earn twice what he does. But he gives you 60% of his salary. No wonder you have savings.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 26/03/2024 03:35

All women should have a bit put by, just in case. A month's worth minimum, six months is ideal.

generalexpert · 26/03/2024 03:41

So he's a great guy who you trust with your life (your own words), but you lie about the existence of a bit of cash.

Not a nice thing.

Janpoppy · 26/03/2024 03:42

Oh my gosh, you have been through such an lot. Not only that, you've built a nest egg to make sure you never get stuck again. That is admirable.

Having funds available to if you need to leave is so smart, especially since you have a dependent. It is a safety issue as much as anything. Presumably 100% of women who end up in dire situations with men did not expect it, so knowing your can leave at a moments notice gives you security.

As others have pointed out, surely he has privacy around what he does with his personal spending. Have you discussed his much transparency vs privacy you are each comfortable with, in regard to finances? I'd also say some legal advice might be helpful to make sure your dependent is looked after with regards to any other assets. These are probably conversations worth having with your partner.

FictionalCharacter · 26/03/2024 03:55

Fuhjutvb · 26/03/2024 03:30

You earn twice what he does. But he gives you 60% of his salary. No wonder you have savings.

She says in the OP that their salary income is roughly the same, she doesn't earn twice what he does.

MyTravelMugIsForVodkaShhh · 26/03/2024 04:00

Healthy relationships are honest relationships. There’s not really any more to it, though I understand where your need to save came from.

He trusts you with 60% of his income, I think it’s only fair you are open with him. You can’t ask him to trust you but not be fully transparent with him.

HawkersEast · 26/03/2024 04:06

I couldn't imagine being in a happy, committed long term relationship with children and hiding money on the side.

CoddlingMolly · 26/03/2024 04:08

If the roles were reversed this would probably be described as financial abuse

Loulou599 · 26/03/2024 04:12

In your op, I don't understand why your solution to your exs debt was yo take it all on in return for your ex losing all access to your son.

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 26/03/2024 04:30

Search for threads where the husband has kept the savings quiet.

justtidying · 26/03/2024 05:03

I wouldn't say anything, and I would keep adding to it.

My DH is useless with money and can't save, so it's down to me. We actually did have a financial emergency two years ago, and my savings dug us out of that hole. I have started again, he probably knows but hasn't asked me, and I wouldn't tell him.

You are not saying that money is only for you, you have separate finances to a certain degree, and shared finances.

He could also have the same!

I think you are actually being very savvy, saving up with your left over money. The family are not going without, and I am sure that if there ever was an emergency you would use this money.

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