To Hide Savings From DH

[AlwaysNonStop]

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

No because even though he drives to work it’s only about a 7 mile round trip and I do most of the fault driving so taking kids to school, appointments, after school clubs, shopping etc, so we just fill our own cars

Do you rent or own house?

But petrol and car costs come from general costs don’t they? Wouldn’t call them a personal spend

And this was the case for the 10 years? Always fair between you both?

This seems a bit unfair to me, he’s working more hours than you and paying 60% of his salary to household expenses, which you are relying on to keep building your secret savings stash. If you’re feeling guilty maybe suggest that he drops his contribution to 50% of salary, you’ll probably still be able to save but at a slower rate and it would be fairer to him

We have a council tenancy. The car expenses such as insurance come from joint income but not petrol.

We’ve only lived together 6 years. The first year we tried to split everything 50/50 while still trying to keep it separate so I’d say I needed x amount for bills, x amount for food. I hated asking and he hated not knowing where he was financially so we changed it to a set amount and then I’d choose where the money went.

They should, but it doesn't sound like it.

It's money you have saved from income leftover after paying into joint account

He could save from his 40%

It's not from joint account so I don't see the issue

After reading so many posts on mn about woman needing to escape plus no savings I don't think it's a bad thing to have own separate ones

As you earn roughly the same tho get paid better as work part time - do uou put in 60% of your wages into joint

Stop worrying about your savings. You are simply being prudent.

From what you’ve said you are doing what to me, in my experience, is perfectly acceptable.
Your life is based on your past experience and let’s face it, when the kids start university you will probably end up spending it.

Don’t think of it as a “running away” fund. That’s negative. Think of it more positively as kids “Uni fund” about which, when you have to dip into it, your husband will be mighty glad to have it.

Hmm, not entirely convinced it's fair. I feel like you have more opportunity to save which his money is enabling, therefore its not fair. If all 50/50 and same opportunity then yes all day long. But it doesn't seem like that here. I think you need to be transparent with him, and I dont think he will be too pleased about it.

Do you never sit down and discuss finances?

I think I would feel a bit uneasy about the amount too but you have to separate it into 2

There is a difference between a running away pot and savings. The first is designed for an emergency when you may be vulnerable and have 3 children to think about. So should be kept private
The other is for your future, plans, rainy days and treats. Same as his £2k. Which you know about so you can (if you want to disclose) tell him how much you have for this

No we don’t have to. He’s happy the way things are. He knows I’m better with money so he’s happy for me to deal with the family finances. He doesn’t smoke, drink, gamble etc so as far as he’s concerned, as long as we’re comfortable then he doesn’t need money. He often jokes that he would be happy for his salary to be paid into my account and for me to give him “pocket money”

He keeps 40% of his income. If he assumes all of your money is family money, and almost ha,f or his is his own, you'd be best having a get away fund. Otherwise, it's nothing to do with home, same as I assume you don't question where his 40% goes each month

Or maybe she could tell him how his father chose money over his son.

The savings IMO just make up a bigger picture of financial control. I wouldn’t necessarily say abuse but definitely control. Imagine a OP here posted:

Been living with DP for 6 years. He has a 14 year old son from a previous marriage, his ex wife ran up a lot of debt when they were together, so when they split he paid her off so she would never see their son again.

Now we live together and DP controls all the money. We both earn roughly the same amount but I give him 60% of my salary and he uses it for household expenses. Thing is, it goes into his bank account. I have no idea of the family finances because all the accounts are in his name only - we don’t have a joint account, and the only account I have access to is my personal account my salary goes into. Now I’ve just found out that he has £15000 in savings stashed away.”

The responses would be vastly different. From people questioning what the ex wife’s side of the story really is, paying someone off to relinquish their child then leading into controlling all the family money to the extent that the new partner has no idea, and meanwhile saving a pot of £15k really isn’t a good look, and smacks of financial control.

Posters would be urging the OP to demand that they set up a joint account for the household expenses, although they would also be cautioning the OP to be wary in case of a split, they’d be wondering if he’d want to buy her off as well to give up the kids.

It’s one thing having a savings account from your own money which is left over from your money once you’ve put your amount into the family pot.

It’s quite another to have control over all the money, with the partner having no idea what actually goes into the family pot, since there isn’t a family pot, all the money is the OP’s, he just gives her some of his, and for the person in control of all the money, to have stashed £15k away in the past ten years.

There’s no way of knowing where that money’s come from. Because once it leaves his bank account it all becomes her’s.

And I don’t care how awful the ex was. Assuming he actually was. Buying someone off to give up their child is despicable. And one day it will come back to bite you. Don’t be naive in thinking that your DS won’t go looking for his dad one day and find out the truth, whatever his dad’s side of the truth really is. Social media is a powerful tool these days.

@IAmThe1AndOnly Op has clearly said that her savings haven't come from the money he gives her.

How have you allocated the joint savings versus your own personal savings?. How much is the joint savings.

I think you should talk this over with him.

He knows your background and as he's a decent person he will understand your need for a safety net of savings that only you can access surely?

He has the opportunity to have his own nest egg from the 40% of his salary that he doesn't give you after all!

If he objects I'd rethink whether it would be in your interests to get married. Or at least get a prenuptial agreement to protect your savings.

I’m an advocate of a run away fund. Every woman should have one, said my very wise grandmother (none of her advice has been wrong yet).

You are also unmarried, so it’s even smarter to have a cushion.

Your partner can do similar from the remaining 40% of his income.

I think the joint savings should be in a joint savings account that he can access and see for accountability. Then if you are sure in your heart that you have truly saved that money dair and square from your own money purely then keep your savings in your name.

But that’s not true.

OP has various money going into her sole account. Some of that money she uses for paying the bills, some of that money goes into her savings.

I have a couple of different amounts go into my account every month. Out of that money I pay the bills, I have a standing order into my savings account, I couldn’t say “well, the salary paid for the mortgage, and my PIP paid for the standing order into the savings,” once it’s all in one account, it’s all her money which she divides up as she sees fit.

Having a separate savings account after she’s put into the family pot isn’t the issue. If they don’t share general finances then what she had over left from her salary is her’s to do with as she wishes. She can spend it on savings or spa trips if that’s what she wants to do, as can he.

But the proble here is the lack of joint finances in terms of the household expenses. Things would be so much clearer if they had a joint account for the bills, and then kept what was left to do what they wanted with. By it all becoming her money muddies the waters in terms of who contributes to what.

It all depends on the intent… if it is so you have a near egg and so you have money to hand if you need it as a family then yes. If it is so you can spend it or intend on doing other things without him then no.
I like you handle all the finances. My DH does not know what he eats as everything is joint. I have a nest egg that I put aside for us if and when we need it. I song lie about it though my DH knows about it but has no clue how much is in it. He trusts me.
in your situation from wot u have said I would keep it as a nest egg.
there if u need it for the family.

Sorry for typos. Been up all night with baby