To Hide Savings From DH

[AlwaysNonStop]

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

Actually, if he’s paying for 3 mobile phones and fuel, he’s paying more than 60% of his salary towards household expenses. So there are 2 issues here - first are you both paying fairly into the pot, and second hiding the fact that you’ve got savings from your DP. There’s nothing wrong per se about having your own savings, it’s the secrecy around money that’s the issue. Just like your ex hid his gambling from you.
As you have a DS from a previous relationship, you should be contributing more than him to the family pot.
What % of your salary do you contribute? What’s the housing situation?
What I suggest is that you both sit down and work out the true extent of your combined outgoings, then decide what % each of you is going to contribute. What you do with the rest of your individual incomes is up to each of you. However, I suggest you open a high interest savings account rather than having cash squirrelled away - that way your savings are increasing in value, not decreasing which is what happens to cash under the mattress type savings!

Neither do I - that’s a bit grim!

Have you ever been in a financially abusive relationship? If not, it’s really nice you trust your partner but you could try to empathise with OP who has had the ability to trust severely damaged. OP, could you reserve a smaller amount and let your husband know about the rest? If it were me, I would be thrilled to find out my other half had saved so much!

Yes because all women can just afford to stash thousands away 🙄🙄🙄

This is mumsnet if it was a man who had thousands stashed away he would immediately be said to be financially abusive but becsuse it's a women it's fine

DP and I have money together (joint account and savings) and then have our own money.

From my own money I have savings but DP doesn’t know how much etc. I hope he has savings too although don’t really know.

We don’t have loads of spare cash but we are fortunate to have enough and we have never argued about money

Yes in I mumsnet, s cosy little world
Back in the real world however some women are struggling just to survive 🙄

I trust him with my life

No you don’t.
And that’s OK - you shouldn’t. No-one should.

If your household finances are fair, this isn’t even “secret” savings. It’s just your money. My husband has no idea how much money I have saved, and I only have the vaguest notion for him. We’re in our 50s so we don’t have obvious shared savings goals like a house deposit. So we don’t keep it “secret” we both just mind our own business.

I’m sorry but I rolled my eyes are you being more organised. I couldn’t be with a man who was happy to be financially infantilised. But that’s not the point of your post…

It’s your money, you’re entitled to save it, and although your history might be your motivation, you simply don’t need any justification. It’s yours.

Oh and it doesn’t sound like getting married is in your financial interests - unless he has good spouse-only pension benefit maybe?

Try not to feel negative about this, fear of being on your arse again is the motivator. If you told him would the fear be gone?
How do you know he’s not saving ?

I’m not sure why so many people have not mentioned that you said you paid your ex’s if he ditched his child. That is awful.

If you both earn roughly the same why don’t you both pay 50% each? Then your savings might be a bit fairer.

either way, if you need it as a family you have it. Saying you don’t have it would be wrong or lying about its existence would be wrong.

if my husband did that to me I’d never trust him again.

What percentage of your income goes on joint spending?
If you use 60% on joint stuff and have saved this money from the left over 40% then I'd say it's okay. If he is subsidising you to allow you to build up these savings then it is unfair as it should be partly his money too.

Your situation is very similar to mine in that I had bad previous experiences which is why I have my own savings. If DH asked me I’d tell him which I know doesn’t really justify anything but honestly I’ve learnt that people can act in really unexpected ways even when you know them through and through so that’s how I feel safe.

You don’t have to call it runaway money anymore by the sounds of it, but you can still have these savings.

I don’t have such a fund because I’m the highest earner with the most stable job. I’m not sure how I would feel if my DH had a secret fund.

If I were you I would tell my partner and explain you’ve had these savings and are saving them for the kids when they’re older. But I understand you may not wish to do that.

As long as you both put in 60% of your wages towards living expenses and joint savings, you can do whatever you want with your 40%. If what you're saying is that you save in your name from the joint 60%, that's absolutely not OK.

Hi IS subsidising her though - she said he pays for her and her DSs phones - that’s a subsidy.

I did wonder that. The OP is telling it from her side - but I wonder what her partner would say?

Totally fine in my view. I get it. I did it. And could have written your post several years ago, down to so many of the specific details, including the details of single parenting, previous difficult relationship, toxic parents and the better partner you have found. I never had plans to use it as an escape fund. My then partner had a good life with me and despite his lesser income did fine from it all. Then a few years ago I needed to split. I eventually had it to buy him out of the house and support my child and our joint children to retain the home stability we had. I am so grateful I had those savings. I would never have expected I wouid use them for that ... but life happens.

YANBU. You both have your own money and pay an equal amount (dependant on earnings), so it's entirely up to you what you do with what remains in your account. You could spend it on handbags or save it. Your dh has the same option, spend or save. For all you know he may have a similar fund.

The only time I'd say you're in the wrong, is if you are skimming money from the joint bills/holiday fund that he pays into and putting it in an account in your name only.

I'd question why you are engaged. At the moment he has no entitlement to the savings. I think this is your mind saying you've healed enough to go deeper in the relationship.

Either way, you need to work out any entitlement he may have to the savings after marriage or how to ring fence it and decide how you feel about having secret savings after marriage.

I think you feel deep down like you are lying and are ready to let go of the past.

You need to tell him and then open a new bank account where you both transfer in set amounts , that leaves both of you free to save from your own banks and the lines are less blurred - he could argue that he has contributed half of that £15k so he should know about it.

I'd keep it quiet but that maybe because I've also been so broke I've scrabbled for change and never want to go back there .
I'd also not disclose savings but that's because I'm of an age I wouldn't be able to recoup them if it went wrong

Key word “ husband”
but the Op is not married - they’re partners

marriage isa financial agreement, as anyone who’s divorced will tell you. If the op marries, then yes, that £15k becomes a marital asset upon divorce and who gets it depends on legal criteria of “ fair settlement “. So, when you marry you’re legally sharing assets as joint and therefore hiding money is pretty stupid and unethical .

but partnerships do not have any financial legal obligation. Assets remain individual and what is shared, legally, is up,to individuals. You are talking then solely about trust

dont conflate marriage vs partnership in the “ what about the men”. It’s nowt to do with men vs women, it’s marriage vs not married

If you really think your household finances are fair then it's absolutely fine to have savings.

I don't think you should have secret savings.

If you love and trust him the way you do I think you should be honest with your partner.

Perhaps even to the extent of explaining WHY you have/had secret savings.

Then perhaps with his knowledge you could still have and grow a savings account of unknown (to him) amount while moving a proportion of those savings into the DCs name or joint names or doing something with the money (a holiday?).

No need to spend all the savings. Why not split into thirds? One third remains "secret", one third becomes family savings and one third is for a holiday.

It would not be great if a man with family had secret savings.

I really think you need to check that the family finances are fair though. If you effectively earn the same amount but he's paying 60%+ that can't be quite right. Maybe look at all the family finances in total and pro rata them BUT include family savings as one of your budget lines!

I'd not want to keep it secret, but I get it. After more than 10 years together my ex husband completely changed personality and became someone I couldn't trust. I had no running away money but managed to leave. I'd never have joint finances with a man again. You think you know someone but things happen. Hopefully your partner will continue being the upstanding man you describe, but you just do not know. I'd continue saving in either my own sole name or into your eldest child's name. However I would also tell him you have some savings but say it's for your child's car/uni/house deposit whatever, and don't call it running away money. Maybe not the exact amount, but just let him know it's a chunk - mostly so that I wouldn't feel bad about keeping it a total secret.