To Hide Savings From DH

[AlwaysNonStop]

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

If these savings aren’t from the 60% he puts in your account for bills etc, then there’s no need to tell him - you don’t know what he does with his all of his 40% after all (reading between the lines), But if you’ve saved from the money he’s earned, then that’s awful, financially abusive behaviour.

You're not married so it is your money to do as you wish with. Mr Monkey and I are not married. We contribute to running the household according to our incomes and save together for big ticket items but other than that our savings arrangments are our alone.

The only thing you are BU about is keeping is stashed away in little separate pots and even cash. Get it out in to a decent ISA or invesment fund and start earning money on it.

Edited to add:
DP doesn’t have savings as such, he has 1 account that his salary goes into and the left overs stay in the account. I think he has about £2k give or take.

Also to add: Any large purchases also come from our joint savings and I’ll dip into mine if it’s something I want rather something we need. I think I justify it to myself by saying in 6 years he hasn’t had to worry about paying for a single holiday, day out, Christmas or birthday present (apart from mine) Halloween costume, Easter egg, household appliance or decorating.

No it’s not from money he gives me.

How about you quote the poster who made the original comment and not me who simply said, ‘I agree’

YANBU to have your own savings.

YABU though to refer to your boyfriend in as your husband in the title of the thread as that totally changes the scenario.

I would 100% stick this money into ISAs for the kids. Job done.

No he doesn’t really save, he has a few thousand in his account and he always says it’s mine if I need it for something. He’s aware that I have money put aside but it’s the amount that’s making me uneasy.

I think as long as you're sharing key expenses it's ok to have seperate savings as well.
I wouldn't have shared savings with a partner. My DH and I have a shared bank account which we pay all of our income into but we each have seperate ones too - I have a side income which I mostly save and he will be in a similar position shortly and I have suggested he has a seperate account for that too.
It doesn't have to be all one way or another. You can absolutely trust and love someone but still want a shred of financial privacy.

No I don’t. We earn roughly the same, it’s just I work part time??

Fwiw - I don't think 15K is a deal breaker amount - if you were squirrelling away tens of thousands maybe!
I think the advice to have a few months living expenses saved is effectively what you have. It's a safety buffer.

I am the original poster, there's no point in them having a go at me either as we are all entitled to our opinions on here and my opinion is I'd never lie to my DH that's not how our relationship is and I wouldn't feel comfortable with that. @littlehorsesthatrun The OP has posted here for opinions and mine is just as valid as any. You contradict yourself in saying i need to empathise but then go on to suggest the OP reverses some of the savings and tell her DH about the rest. Sounds like the same outcome to me as "not lying".

Why is he paying 60% then? The extra 10% he pays means you've been able to build up secret savings. That's not fair.

Why? If we were struggling to make ends meet and he was under pressure every month with financial worries then I would absolutely agree that would be financial abuse however we are very fortunate not to be in that position. I don’t see why that would be considered financial abuse?

You're not wrong to have savings.

As you're unmarried, you do need to think through what would happen if you ever split up, would he be screwed financially? Is the house owned or rented, is it in your name?

I think you'd feel less guilty if you knew he had savings too. Shouldn't be your money that goes into them though.

Being unmarried, you also need to think about pensions, what happens if one of you falls seriously ill etc.

Because he was an awful, abusive, narcissist that I didn’t want around my baby. He hasn’t been in contact for 13 years and the fact he agreed to effectively sell my son made me even more sure that I was making the right decision and I would do it again without a seconds hesitation.

How have you explained the non appearance of dad?

If you both earn similar amounts how have you accumulated savings and your partner hasn’t?

Again, I agree with everything that you’ve said👏

The OP said he pays in 60% of his salary, that doesn’t necessarily equate to him covering more than 50% of the bills.

I read it that 60% of his salary is 50% of the living expenses. Not that he pays 60% of the bill and OP pays 40%

OP, I think in your circumstances I’d maybe mention it that’s it’s like an emergency fund, that way you’re making him aware so don’t feel like you’re lying but it also makes it clear it’s not for spending.

This.

Nevermind, I read it wrong. Everyone should have a fuck off fund. Men too.

Thank you, that is exactly it. If the family needed it I’d use every penny. Our boiler broke down last year and I paid the £1900 to have new one without blinking. DP didn’t know if it was my savings or family savings, he just knew it was covered. He’s appreciative of the fact I manage the finances. I think it’s the amount that’s just making me a little uneasy. When it was 3,4,5 thousand it didn’t bother me at all.

Sure, but then OP won’t have that running away fund anymore because she won’t be able to withdraw the money, only the kids can, when they turn 18.

OP are you both left with a similar amount each month after everything is paid before you put anything into personal savings?

As you say the way you do the general finances work for you and him so no need to change .
I see no problem with having savings that are just yours , and as you say , he keeps around 40% of his salary to himself so technically , it could be the same for him.