To Hide Savings From DH

[AlwaysNonStop]

First time posting and just looking to find out the general consensus please.

Question: AIBU to hide my savings from my partner?

Back story: Got married far too young and it was a disaster. Ex husband was horribly abusive and had a gambling addiction. He racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt in my name without my knowledge. I only discovered the full extent when he moved out and I started getting the letters that he had previously been intercepting. I was working full time in a good career whilst supporting him because he couldn’t hold a job longer than a few months. I filed for a divorce before my son was 6 months old and we settled that I would take on 100% of the debt providing he didn’t try to gain access to my son. Him being the absolute prize he is, accepted this without question.

I then spent around 5 years trying to get myself back on my feet. It was very very difficult financially. I was still working full time for a good rate of pay but the debts, childcare fees, normal bills etc were absolutely crippling and at times I’d genuinely be counting change to put a few pounds of petrol in the car to get to work. I got myself out of my dire financial state and swore I’d never be in that position again.

Current Situation: Been with my partner now for 10 years, not married but long term engaged, moved in together 6 years ago. I have my 14 year old from my first marriage and we have 5 year old twins together.

My partner is a wonderful man. He’s kind, caring, considerate, trustworthy, hard working and just an all round a wonderful guy. I trust him with my life and have genuinely never known anyone like him. We share everything apart from one thing, my savings.

We both work (him full time, me part time) but my salary for part time is roughly the same as his for full time. We don’t have joint accounts so each month he sends me a set amount (around 60% of his salary). The agreement is that I’ll deal with all the finances, pay all the bills, food shopping, days out, clothes, holidays, presents etc and then all he pays from his account is his petrol and 3 mobile phone bills (His, mine, 14yo).

I understand this set up maybe doesn’t work for everyone but it works well for us because I’m far more organised than him. We have family savings that cover holidays, Christmas etc but my question is related to my personal savings. I have around £15k dotted around in both savings accounts and hidden cash. I’ve always considered it my “run away fund” because it’s money I could use to pay a deposit on a rental and kit it out with basic furniture if I ever had to leave with my children in a hurry. It started as a few hundred pounds and over the years it’s grown and I’m at the point I’m starting to feel a bit guilty.

We are in no way wealthy, but I’d say we were comfortable. Partner is aware we have some savings, with set monthly amounts going to each little pot. I’m just struggling with the idea that I might technically be lying to him by not telling him that I have a secret £15k stashed away. Part of me feels like I need to tell him because we don’t have any secrets, I have absolutely no intention of leaving him and even if I did i would never have to flee in fear (the whole point of my runaway fund in the beginning). The worry with telling him is that he might feel like I’ve been lying and he can’t trust me. The other part feels like I need to keep it a secret to maintain my control and independence. Having grown up with my parents in a toxic relationship I always wondered what would’ve been different had my mum not been reliant on my dads income. I’m also very aware that situations can change in a heartbeat, for better or worse.

What do I do????

AIBU - Yes - He should know about the additional savings because they’re his savings too.

AIBU - No - It’s your money and he has no reason to know anything

Because other women can’t afford to save that amount doesn’t mean I should feel guilty about it. I’ve been there. I’ve been the single mum with nothing and I can guarantee there’s plenty of women who wish they’d done it differently

If you feel you actually want to tell him about your savings OP, why not have a conversation, during which you ask him if he ever saves anything extra from the money he has left over after paying bills etc at the end of the month. If he says he has a couple of grand tucked away, but doesn't make a particular point of saving, and generally spends it on golf, other hobbies, new clothes from time to time, etc. Then at that point you could say, well I've always made a point of putting away a bit each month, it started off as a bit of a security blanket, after what I went through with ex husband, but has gradually grown over the years, and I've recently realised that it's actually quite a decent sum now. Obviously I think of it as our money the same as everything else we've got, but I was quite surprised when I realised that it's actually £15k, so thought you might like to know that we've got a bit more behind us than we'd realised. That way, he knows you have the money, you make it clear that it's there in case of emergency, kids uni, or anything else that you might need as a family, but don't need to put it into joint names as he will know in the back of his mind that it's actually YOUR savings, and that had he thought of doing this with his own money, he too could have saved a similar amount. If you then do split up at any point, there will be no point in him claiming you've been secretly squirrelling money away, as you will have already made it clear that the money you've saved has come from your 'spare' cash at the end of the month, and NOT from your joint money.

My DH was dreadful with money when we first got together, but like you, after a split where I found myself with no personal credit history, because as a married couple previously, everything had just gone under my ex's name. I decided that I would never be reliant on a man again, so as soon as I was in a position to, I started to save what I could, as and when I had some spare cash at the end of the month. My DH likes a few beers during the course of the week, and is a smoker too, so once we'd both paid our share of the bills, mortgage, etc., his money went on his fags and booze, while I spent mine on clothes, shoes, etc, but always kept a bit back in my savings. We're now married, have been together for more than 30 years, and have a wonderful relationship. We still each pay our share into the pot, and anything left over just gets tucked into one of several savings accounts. He still has his booze, etc., I still have my clothes and shoes, and anything left in whatever account, is OURS, as like you, over the years we have built up trust, and I feel safe, but I do still have money in an account with only my name on it, so that if things did go bad for any reason, I would still be able to get my hands on some 'running away money' if I needed it.

Financially yes and we have considered the option but despite him being very modern in that he does more than his fair share of household duties, looks after the kids equally etc, he still has that little male ego thing where he thinks he should be out working full time so that I have to work less

That’s nonsense

Yes zero contact now for nearly 13 years and it has been wonderful. My son has an amazing man raising him and for that I’ll be forever grateful

Thank you so much for clarifying what so many people on here seem to be struggling to understand. Maybe now someone else has said it they’ll stop making 2+2=7

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that. You’ve laid it out perfectly. With alot of the comments on here being so negative I was genuinely starting to think I was crazy

Thank you. We both pay £200 each into the joint savings each month and then anything I put in to my separate account is left over from my salary or a few hours overtime

I’m honestly not getting the whole “chosen a man you can control” thing. It not like we went on a date and thought ahhh you would be easy to manipulate. We were together 4 years before he moved in and when we met he lived on his own. He’s not some man child that came straight from his mummy to me. He has all the bank log on details, he just doesn’t use them because he trusts that I’ve got everything under control. He hates the admin side of life, he doesn’t even open his own mail, whereas I enjoy it

This is very helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I think this is exactly the kind of conversation I’ll go for

Personally I'm not in a marriage where we withold things from each other so I wouldn't be doing this

You're not crazy . We both have our own private savings too . You need it for your own safety.

Anyone who doesn't is deluded / naive

Stop wringing your hands about this OP.

You are not married. You are allowed to have your own savings.

Tell him or don't, it's up to you.
I'm open about this with my partner and we don't even live together but this really comes down to why you think he needs to know. If it's because you usually tell him everything, then go ahead.
If you think that by telling him he will want access to the savings then don't.

And if the latter is true you shouldn't be with him.

he still has that little male ego thing where he thinks he should be out working full time so that I have to work less
Well thankfully you have a council tenancy to enable his ego 🤨

Then at that point you could say, well I've always made a point of putting away a bit each month, it started off as a bit of a security blanket, after what I went through with ex husband, but has gradually grown over the years, and I've recently realised that it's actually quite a decent sum now. Obviously I think of it as our money the same as everything else we've got, but I was quite surprised when I realised that it's actually £15k

Why would she make herself sound so financially illiterate as him?!
”Oh whoopsie me, I seem to have £15K”???
OP is a smart, hardworking woman who knows damn well she has £15K and she knew when it was £14K and £13K. Shes not stupid!
Is she suppose to giggle and toss her hair when she announces that “realises” it’s £15K?

As for “obviously I think of it as our money” - just no.

Tell him, don’t tell him - whatever. But if you do - don’t simper over this “realisation” and sure as fuck don’t tell him that your hard won savings are now “obviously” joint. The fuck they are!

As long as you are 💯💯💯 sure that you are saving your money from only the 40% of your income then that is perfectly fine. If your conciense is absolutely clear. I don't even think he needs to know about it. You can suggest to him to save because you are saving too.

With regards to the joint savings I think it should be in both names. You are saying that if he did something to you then he would be no longer entitled to his savings?. If he cheated on you then you would keep the savings for yourself?. That's not right, you shouldn't have that power over him!. That money should be shared fair and square no matter what happens

As long as you are sure that you saved the money fair and square only from YOUR money only then I see no reason why you need to tell him about it. I would tell him how much is in the joint savings and I would tell him to try to start saving more. He is putting all his faith in you which is not good because you are a human being. Never put all your faith in a human, they can turn against you anytime!

First time posting and you have the patronising put-downs to a T. Well done you. Next one should be ‘You sound like hard work’, then you can progress from there. And before you know it you will be the perfect MN clone.

I think given the COL crisis and everything else going on, having ANY savings is only going to be a good thing.

If your eldest has designs on going to university, you might be glad to have that cash squirrelled away to help with costs.

If you have it invested well, you might also get to see some nice returns on it too! You might as well make it work for you if its not already.

Thank you. It’s definitely because we don’t have any secrets, we’re completely open with each other. We’ve both been burned in the past, it took a lot to build that trust so I would never want to ruin that. I never worried about it before but as the amounts crept up it just makes me a bit uneasy about keeping it a secret x

Wow…..judgy much 🤣 Just because we have a council tenancy doesn’t mean we don’t work hard and take pride in ourselves. You’re either horribly snobbish or just dripping in jealousy that we dare to have a council tenancy AND a nice life and stable financial situation. Either way, I feel for you.

Oh and just to add, houses in our little street sell for between £200,000 and £250,000. Private rent is around £1500 pcm, we have a lovely 4 bed semi detached and pay £652 per month. I hope you sleep better tonight knowing that 😘

Quite! This woman works hard and has the foresight to save money and she's meant to apologise for her accidental savings?! They're her bloody savings.

Then honestly you should increase your savings. With university in the future for offspring. Especially

15k over ten years is £1500 per annum which is only £120 pcm

That’s precisely my point. It’s not as if I’m putting £500 a month away.

id say over the last 2-3 it’s gone up quicker but when I first started about 10/11 years ago sometimes all I could afford was £20 a month. I can’t tell you how many months I’d put £50-£100 straight in when I was paid and by the end of the month I was dipping in to it and patting myself on the back for adding £8 or something to it. I never want to be in that position again